Well unfortunetly I didn't get to talk to my not new shrink about some things.  Turns out I probably won't even have him as my shrink anymore, which kind of sucks because he was actually cool.  His approach is more of a try to be my friend almost type thing, which is interesting to me, however, he's pricey.  Ohwell it sounded like maybe sometime I can do some group therapy with him at least, I just hope I can find someone else who is sort of simliar. 

     Oh man where to start.  Lonely, nothing new there.  My mom was visiting and taking care of me pretty much for a few months, then she left a few weeks ago.  Here I am by myself almost all the time now.  It of course led me to where it almost always does, to online chatting with boys.  I found one in particular who is very nice, but lives quite far away, however we talk and text almost all the time every day.  It is now to the point that I may very likely go visit next week even.  We shall see, part of me doesn't want to go, just that it's to soon, I don't know how much I like him and such.  Unfortunetly I don't think I'm to physically attracted to him, but man is he nice, he pleasantly surprises me all the time.  Plus it sounds like it be just to hang out and have a sort of vacation together, which is nice, and my God do I need someone around right now.  So I shall see where that goes.  In the mean time......

     Before I started to get close to this new nice fellow I said hello to my friend with benefits cause I was feeling up for things.  I have written about him here and here is how we met also here is a little about his lame ness.  After I have re read those past blogs of him, I'm a bit surprised with myself, I can see I was making excuses for him on our first date and I don't know how I gave in to him, probably cause he's pretty, which makes me mad.  Anyway whats done is done.  Since that last link I have slept with him three times.  Well, here is how the third worked out.  So as I was saying I said hi to him a few weeks ago and he was out of town, but wanted it pretty bad.  He was saying how confused he is about relationships and he said some really sweet things to me, but who knows if he means any of it.  It left me bothered of course.  I sent him some racey pics of me and he liked that, and said he had more muscle now and that I'd like that, yes he's right.  Anyway, I was looking forward to when he'd get back in town, and when he did he found me and said he was sick, so we'd have to wait.  I was sick too, so that was fine.  Then a week or two later I said hi, since I hadn't heard anything.  He got back to me after a couple days and said he was sort of seeing someone. 

     Lord it sorta hurt, or I was really disappointed or I don't know what happened, but I was upset about it.  Then a couple days ago he sent me some hot pictures of him, and it made me mad cause he was still interested in someone else and he said that if his date went crappy again maybe we could hang out.  Wtf, how mean of him and it just furthered my jealousy, if thats what it was, or my disappointment.  I complained of him to my friend, not the nice new friend, and we got on how we both need new friends with benefits.  Soo since I was or maybe I still am, down I asked my friend if he'd like to hook up sometime, he had no problem with that.  I still don't even know if I'm going to act on that, but it sort of cheered me up.  Then yesterday up pops old friend with benefits that I was upset over.  He says he wants some really bad and that since he doesn't have a girlfriend its ok.  I told him it was crappy to send me pictures and take it away from me, and he just said it was because I sent him pictures.  Ugh, he just wants to show himself off. 

     Anyway, it had/still sort of is, been bugging me that my new nice friend doesn't deserve someone who is gonna sleep with people for fun.  Course I'm not seeing him or anything, but I'm no better than friend with benefits guy.  So I was sort of upset with myself for considering it and I was really hoping fwb guy would change his mind, at one point the girl he's interested in called him even.  However, he kept teasing me and saying things, and finally I just asked if I should get ready and he said he had to think about it for a minute, to which he said he really wanted to.  He's terrible, but I gave in, I'm so damn lonely, he's pretty and it's been awhile. 

    I got ready to see him and met up with him, he got me a drink.  I felt pretty and was trying to be more talkative than usual.  It was mostly small talk, then we left to go back to his place, and as we're walking he puts his arm around me, was nice.  In his nice car he puts his hand on the back of my neck, which was different, no one's done that to me before.  As we get to his place there's more of that going on, which unfortunetly I find I really like from him especially, just little things like that.  Then I ask of course if he'll play piano for me, it seemed to bug him online when I asked, but he was fine with it I guess.  He played different tunes for me, and even sang a little, which is making me teary now cause he always refused to that before, said it was for special people, meaning I'm sure, girls he's interested in.  This is how I've been today, an emotional wreck, about a stupid guy who doesn't deserve any of it, maybe I'm just being a girl today I don't know. 

     After we did things, which is always good, but I feel like now maybe I was a little too into it that I might have sounded fake, but hey it had been awhile.  He asked if I wanted to play poker, which was cool of him, I was surprised he wanted to.  It went ok, he was giving me tips all the time, I played pretty crappy, I couldn't really think about what I was doing.  I was trying to hard to be more engageing with him, trying I think to connect more with him or I'm not sure what I was doing.  Today I feel stupid that I was trying to hard, or that I couldn't have just relaxed more.  It was super late, and we were still playing, I was worn out and tired, but still trying to talk, I really shouldn't have.  After I lost badly and he told me to work on my game a lot more, we were laying by each other and he said something about kidnapping me, ugh why must he say and do things that really can mess with a girl.  He's terrible and good at what he does.  He had mentioned that he was probably moving and going on some trip with his friend to a lot of places for awhile.  I asked him more about it as we were leaving to go back to my car.  It sounded like he wouldn't be back anytime soon or not at all.  Part of me is happy about that, maybe he won't mess with me anymore, but I'm bummed about that too. 

     When we got to my car he kissed me for a long time, I'm not sure if he just wanted to or if he thought thats what I wanted, who knows.  I feel like an idiot for trying so hard and I think I might like him more than I want to admit, I'm also mad that I can be so shallow.  I was hoping to get some clearity from recounting this, but I am only more confused.  I just thought God/the universe made it right by him seeing someone else and then it all turned up side down.  Part of me thinks that I have learned something though, and that there is a good reason for it or that down the road something will make sense, something will connect with something else and that he'll wisen up? Haha ya right, but maybe that I'll wisen up?  Hopefully.  I am not sure how to feel about this or what else to add.  I guess I'll get over it though, I know how things are with him and I, at least my brain does.  Maybe I will add more here later if I can find new thoughts.