I know this guy. He used to be a friend. I've known him for a long time. Since high school. We went to the same college, became roommates. Even shared a few girlfriends way back in the day. (To be fair, I always had them first. I never stole her from him. I stole one from our other roommate, but that only happened once... Or was it twice?)
Him and I actually had a falling out over a girl (which is a pretty interesting story in itself. Perhaps I'll get to that story at some other time), and we didn't speak to each other for many years. During those years, he had gotten married and was living a charmed life not too far from where I lived.
Then, one day, I got a call from him and we started to hang out again. Occasionally here and there, I'd meet up with him just to shoot the breeze, you know? His mom lives near my house and he lives near where I used to work, so I got to seeing him pretty often.
Here's the thing about this guy, though. Or maybe it's about me, I'm not sure.
I've always called myself a "crazy magnet", you know? All people, from long time friends to complete strangers, come up to me and tells me things I have no business knowing. Things better left unsaid, or things I wish I never knew. It happens to me all the time. With him, it's no different.
So here's what he told me. "Today, I'm going to go hang out with my ex-girlfriend. I told my wife that I am hanging out with you, so don't call the house looking for me, otherwise my wife will get suspicious."
His ex is this plain-Jane type girl. Nothing really special. She dumped him and ran away to Vermont many years ago and he packed his bags and followed her out to Vermont. [rolls eyes] There, he had done many things that required him to turn in his man-card. For example, he would pick her up, drive her to her new boyfriend's house, sit outside and wait (muttering silent curses, I imagine), then drive her back to her place.
Recently, he said to me, "Something about A___ still excites my life. Given the chance and opportunity, I would pack my crap up and disappear to New York with her (that's where she lives now)."
Of course, I'm thinking, 'how's that fair to your wife? The one who pays for all the bills, the one who lets you lead this leisurely lifestyle?' I don't judge much and say even less, so I just nodded.
Every time I hang out with him, he says or does something that makes me lose a little bit of respect for him. What little respect there remains, anyways.
The trouble is, I've been friends with this guy going on 15 years now. It's not a friendship that I'm so willing to throw away, no matter how distasteful I find his behavior to be. I don't talk to him as often as I once did, and I think that's a symptom of the distance I've put myself against him.
While I don't really care about how he conducts his life, I do take issue with the fact that he involves me in his deceit. I mean, I would have been the bad guy if I called his house today unknowing, right? But now, I'm a willing culprit, helping him hide his infidelity.
Chances are, he's not even going to do anything with this girl. She left him, remember? So he'll probably end up talking to her about how much he misses her and all that garbage. But still, it's the symbolism behind the action, you know? That his wife will always be number 2 or 3 to him. It's sad, really.
Especially because his wife is such a nice gal. She hates me because my friend blames a lot of his shortcomings on me. For example, if he comes home trashed, he'll say, "I was out with Grape tonight" or some such. I don't have anything against her, I don't even know her. She doesn't know me either, but still she hates me. That's all my friend's fault and it has nothing to do with me or his wife.
So a thought occurred to me this morning. I was tempted to call his house and ask for him. Say, "him and I were supposed to hang out, but he's not answering his phone" or some such.
I probably won't do it because I don't want to be a cause to any strife, but it is what he richly deserves, as far as I'm concerned.
Anyways, that is all for now.
Oh, so what would you do if you were in my situation? Would you call your friend today to pour salt in his game? Or would you try to seduce his wife yourself (like some of my other friends have suggested)? Or do you just let sleeping dogs lie (and lie)?
Thanks for stopping in,
Grape.
GrapeKoolaid posted on Nov 06, 2009
| views: 237
Comments
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Me-Myself&I said on Nov 06, 2009....
evil smile going on here..... you know, i would have a female friend call from somewhere like a bar or .... and ask if he was home. *smile*
promise, the questions will begin and no mind to you! that's what i would do in your dilemma.
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alabamagirl said on Nov 06, 2009....
Personally, I wouldn't call his house. All it will do is make you the bad guy, again, in his wifes eyes. Until she can see firsthand for herself, she will never admit to the truth of the situation, even if she knows deep down in her heart. I know this from experience.
Open up to him and tell him how you feel. Maybe by being honest with him about what he is doing will make him open up his eyes. He needs a real friend to tell him he's messing up, that's what a real friend would do.
That's what I would do. -
uniquely-ironic said on Nov 06, 2009....
In your shoes I'd have told him something like "I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but I'm not covering for you". I think I would be angry that I was being used as a scape goat for his shitty behavior. Friends don't do that to friends. -
woman said on Nov 06, 2009....
I would be honest and tell him you will not continue to be a front for him. That you value your friendship but you do not support his current behavior. That would be it. No silly playing around, just straight forward. But that's me. -
Hegemone said on Nov 06, 2009....
Huh, I know you are hesitant to drop this relationship because you guys have been 'friends' for 15 years, but really, what kind of relationship is this? Your buddy uses you as a scape goat to not get into trouble, drags you into situations you have no business being in, and makes you feel quite conflicted about it obviously or we wouldn't be hearing from you currently. If it were me, I'd straight up tell him that I didn't want to drop the friendship, but that I didn't feel I could be involved any longer, that I couldn't continue to be the scape goat, that the whole thing made me uncomfortable and made it hard to enjoy the time we do get to spend together and that if that was enough to make him want to drop me as a friend, then we must not have been very good friends to begin with anyway. -
beyondtheveil said on Nov 06, 2009....
I'm closest to what hegemone said. But I'd take it one step further - I'd end seeing him. I wouldn't create bad feelings, I'd just not ever be available.
You don't need this guy. There's no future as a friend except getting yourself a worse black eye with his wife. Some people aren't worth your time.
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
MM&I: Ha! That's good one! Believe me, I was tempted after reading your comment, but I don't want to take a greater part in the deceit than I already am, you know? Perhaps one day I will, though. Thanks for the idea. :)
bamagirl: Those who consider you a friend should also consider themselves lucky. It's not easy having to be the straight shooter. Me, I'd much rather avoid the whole uncomfortable situation and the ensuing confrontation myself. I've seen it too many times.
uni: I know... You're probably right. I just said, "Whatever". I wish he'd have just told me not to call his house today instead of telling me what he's getting into. He's a bit of an exhibitionist, so he's always interested in letting other people know what's going on in his life. Truth be told, I don't really care, hence my non-committal answer. :)
lady: He didn't even ask me to be a front for him. He just told me, "I'm telling my wife I'm hanging out with you." DIdn't even take into consideration how I would feel about the matter. Ain't that something?
Hege: Well, to be honest, I had written him out of my book as a friend many years ago when he came to my house to cuss me out over a girl. Since then, I've maintained my distance from him. Hard to cut him off completely because of that whole 15 year friendship business, not to mention the fact that we have a lot of mutual friends that would make things more difficult. So while I've maintained a bit of distance from him, he's totally clueless as to why.
beyond: Your advice and my lady's advice is exactly the same. She's been telling me by months now to get rid of him. Heck, he didn't have my new cellphone number until last weekend.
____________________________________________________________________________
Latest development: He called me 20 minutes ago. He said, "got a pen? I need you to write down this phone number and call it. Tell A___ that I'm waiting for her outside. My wife checks the cellphone records and I can't call a number with New York prefix".
Are you frickin' kidding me?
Gah!!!
On the plus side, I now have his ex gf's phone number. I think a prank call at 3:30 in the morning is in order.
Soon...
[rubbing paws fiendishly]
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CreativeWoman said on Nov 06, 2009....
I wouldn't call his wife. If she's looking over the phone records, she's already not trusting him. Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.
On the other hand, I would tell him that it's not cool to use you as an alibi.
CW
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uniquely-ironic said on Nov 06, 2009....
or you can call A___ and tell her that your friend can't make it.If you screw it up he's not likely to ask you to do it again -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
CeeDub: I'd love to call his house, but my hand can't seem to move away from palming my face... :)
Uni: Of course, I could try to seduce his ex gf... That would burn that bridge pretty quick, don't you think? Or maybe I'll try to seduce his wife... One good turn, you know? :)
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
But just to make it clear, I am not a homewrecker. -
uniquely-ironic said on Nov 06, 2009....
Oh wait! I got it! Call the girlfriend posing as a health clinic trying to reach your friend with his results from the sexually transmitted diseases test. You know, sound urgent as if it needs to be treated right away! lol -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
uni: The thing is, he's not even going to sleep with his ex. She doesn't want him in that way. Chances are, they're just going to hold hands and she'll have to listen to him about the way things were. [sigh]
I know... It's pathetic.
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uniquely-ironic said on Nov 06, 2009....
trust me, even if there is no sexual contact, no one wants to be around someone with a transmittable disease. Maybe use scabies or some other highly uncomfortable condition. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
uni: I'll keep it under consideration. For now, I'm thinking about texting her saying, "B____ loves you" over and over at 3 in the morning. :) -
beyondtheveil said on Nov 06, 2009....
grape- How about putting it on a back burner so far you can't see it with a telescope and going to the movies, then go home and call major babe...
...there's better ways to occupy your time.
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
beyond: I couldn't agree with you more. I hadn't talked to him in a while, and got recently acquainted with him due to the unfortunate circumstance of our mutual friend's younger brother passing. Not a week passes and this... I think his number will be buried deeply in the phone book not to be used again for a long while once this passes. :) -
starchini said on Nov 06, 2009....
I have a grudge, a vendetta, against cheaters. Mother Theresa could confide in me that she once cheated on her lover and I would rat her out without a single hesitation. Doesnt matter what good she has done, no passes or breaks when it comes to cheating. I waive nothing. But thats just me, I find cheaters to be the lowest grade of people. Even people who simply want to cheat or would if given the chance. So thats what I would do. I would call his wife up in an instant and tell her point blank "Joe told me not to tell you but I respect you too much to keep this to myself, he said he was going to hang out with his ex-gf today. I just thought you should know."...
My best friend in the entire world could tell me she is cheating and not to tell and I totally would. Cheating is my one exception. Im totally loyal to my friends when it comes to anything else. Shit, if it was a good enough friend id keep any secret, if she robbed a bank or committed a heinous crime or anything else. But cheating, thats my deal breaker.
When I broke up with my ex and later found out that a very small army was fully aware of his cheating and never told me. It was by far the lowest moment ive had in my entire life. I wouldnt wish anyone on this planet to be cheated on and I wouldnt be able to live with myself if I knew that I could have put an end to it sooner rather than later. I wouldnt let her spend another second in the dark.
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
starchini: Do you believe that cheaters can ever be reformed? -
starchini said on Nov 06, 2009....
I believe that if George cheated on Mary George will always cheat on Mary but he might not cheat on Suzan.
Cheating I believe is less of a "habit" and depends soley on the couple in question.
I believe that George cheated on Mary because he did not love or respect her and he cared more about himself and his needs than Mary's.
However George may not cheat on Suzan because he may love and respect her and care more about her and her feelings than himself.
Some men will cheat no matter the woman they are with, because some men are always selfish and will always care more about themselves than their lovers feelings. These men will not change unless they want to.
In either scenario the curtain should be pulled back on their infedelity and should be up to the couple what they want to do next.
I know that had someone told me the first 5 months I was with David that he had slept with another woman I would have saved 4 years of my life and not be put through hell finding it out on my own.
David however had a reputation for cheating. I believed that he could be like George, maybe it was that he didnt love Mary enough, but maybe he would love me (Suzan) enough to not cheat...
Turned out David was more like the other type of man that will cheat no matter what, he is just a selfish horrible person. Because im awesome. There is no other explanation.However if my husband Philip was to tell me he cheated on me last night, I would try to work it out. I would pray that he could "reform" because as my husband I think he deserves to have me atleast put a little bit of faith in him if he told me he was sorry and wanted to change and it would never happen again. If he was just a boyfriend, no way, hes gone, one strike rule. But hes my husband so we would try to work it out. But if there was a second time. Nope, thats it, hand me the divorce papers.
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uniquely-ironic said on Nov 06, 2009....
IDK Star, you theory seems a little bit self serving. If George will always cheat on Mary, that means married or not. I do believe cheaters can change and they cheat because of issues within themselves and not the person they're cheating on. -
Eilan said on Nov 06, 2009....
I don't know if I'd say anything to the wife or not. I'd definitely resent being put in that position by someone who claimed to be a friend.
However, if I found out that my friends knew my husband was cheating on me and didn't tell me, they would no longer be my friends.
When my husband's ex cheated on him, she had a couple of her friends covering for her, but she also used some of her friends as alibis without their knowledge, and they were hurt by this, because it's something they would have never agreed to. -
wombat said on Nov 06, 2009....
I wouldn't call the guy's house, for one simple reason: I might want to...I might think about it....but then I always remember that what comes around goes around. And that includes being the one who stirred up the pot, as well as the one who's cooking the bad brew.
Just smile and know that you had no part in someone's drama--and while you're at it (if it were me) I'd say, "Please don't ever include me in your schemes again."
Well, that's my thoughts on it. I just popped on and thought this was the most intriguing post to jump onto first, so indulge me!
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simplyconfused said on Nov 06, 2009....
What if you told him that it's fine what he wants to do he can, just don't involve you in those situations? I mean, your just saying he can continue what he wishes, just without bringing your name down as well. Hopefully it would be as simple as that, which it's totally possible. -
Lucytorial said on Nov 06, 2009....
sc ate my comment - which means it shall stay in cyber space I'm afraid. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
update: It's done. He just came by here. He hung out with his two ex-girlfriends. There are no sordid details to give because nothing happened. The just made fun of his wife. Telling him to get a divorce. How do you like that?
[facepalm]
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
Star&uni: I of all people have to believe that people can change, considering my past. :)
Eilan: I know his wife from high school, too. She had the biggest crush on her husband's best friend back then. It's a complicated story...
wombie: The ruse went off without a hitch. His poor wife has no idea. Never shall. Not from me, anyways.
simply: The thing is, I already have limited contact with him as it is. It's only because of a recent tragedy that's brought some of us together. We'll soon realize why we don't hang out with each other often and drift off to being distant friends. That's how we've been friends for over 15 years.
lucy: Trying to hold your peace, eh? Out with it, you! :)
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Lucytorial said on Nov 06, 2009....
Okay well, I had (note tense) a friend who wasn't happy with his partner, I told him he better do something about it before I he found someone he really liked - he didn't listen.I cannot be around him anymore, infidelity is for me one of the most disgusting things you can do to a person, including yourself. it shows lack of morals, lack of respect, lack of integrity... its harsh I know but honestly? there is more than one person involved, not just him, his wife, his girlfriend, it makes the whole thing awful... he needs to show he is a man and leave his wife, not cheat on her I feel sorry for her and sorry for this other girlfriend the ex? man, what morals do these people have. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
lucy: The thing is, he's a scared little child. A pu**y. First off, he's afraid to be alone. Second, he needs someone to take care of him. He's a man-baby. But a manipulative one. So he's settled for the one he's got. She's his security blanket. He reaches out from the comfort of knowing that there's someone at home waiting for him.
I do joke about her gettin' hers while she's away at her frequent "business trips", but never to him.
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bluegum said on Nov 06, 2009....
me thinks you are thinking of how easy twood be to dip your toe lol ,you weasel lol.Blue. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 06, 2009....
blue: I'll have you know I only have eyes for one, thank you very much.
I wasn't always so, but now I am. :)
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Lucytorial said on Nov 06, 2009....
te he he he okay, the guy's a pussy so tell him, stop being a pussy I wouldn't involve myself beyond that but then I wouldn't hang around him either. -
queenparanoia said 12 days ago....
i wuldnt be friends with someone like him... especially someone who is using you!!! if this happens to me i'll never talk to him anymore. and if he still use you as an excuse i'll tell the wife what's he's been doing... grapey.... i know you still want to befriends with him but look what's his doing to the poor wife!!! -
starchini said 12 days ago....
Well uni, I didnt say wether or not Mary should give him one more chance... : / ...I said that after the curtain is pulled back its up to the couple what to do next...and there are always exceptions and IF Phil was to put me in a horrible position like this, i would like to think id give him one more shot...but idk, im mostly saying that to make me not seem like a bad wife. Cuz I really hate cheaters. Odds are, we would get a divorce if he cheated on me. Because I do believe my theory. But for now ill say id "try to work it out"...Truly though, I wouldnt have much hope. If Phil was to cheat it would completly dissolve all of my trust and respect, forever...That wouldnt leave us with much of a marriage...even if he never cheated on me again, I wouldnt know that for sure, bc i wouldnt trust him so it really doesnt matter if he reformed or not. But if i didnt catch him I sure would appreciate a witness coming forth and lcueing me in. -
starchini said 12 days ago....
Grapie I totally believe that people can change, if they want to. The majority of people dont want to, most people dont think they need to, most people think they are just peachy. -
GrapeKoolaid said 12 days ago....
lucy: I know. I generally don't hang out with him, it's just that when there's a tragedy among our circle of friends, I run into him. When a mutual buddy comes into town, I see him. The acquaintanceship goes back twenty two years, you know? So it's hard.
qp: I do feel bad for his wife. She didn't do anything except marry the poor bastard, you know? It's really a shame what he does to his wife. He doesn't even sleep in the same room as her! He sleeps in the basement, like some troll. My friends and I joke about how he f***s his wife through a sheet. :)
star: The only impetus for change comes from within, I always say. If you yourself don't want to change, nothing will make you. Why is it, do you think, that most people think they're peachy? What is it about their lives that makes them so content, I wonder?
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starchini said 11 days ago....
Grape, its usually hard for anyone to admit fault. There are always three sides to any story, yours, mine and what really happened. Its not that people lie about the truth its that people truly see the same things differently. So its hard bc your really dont think you were wrong...even though maybe you were...Like an alcoholic in AA or a drug addict in NA, the first step is recognizing that there is a problem...very hard to do.... -
hairbrushedhubby said 10 days ago....
In 10 days time my lovely wife and myself will be celebrating 30 years of marriage.Even the thought of cheating on each other has never entered our heads.In my wife's words, why go out for mince when you have steak indoors?
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