Elwood is a very eccentric old man that intrudes on our local radio shows frequently offering the county totally random tips for everyday life.  He is about 60 id say, typical goofy looking old man.  He speaks with a stutter and a soft lisp and says umm a lot.  What I find fascinating about him is that he is obviously not all there, the way he speaks, the moments of blank thoughts and the lack of social skills make it clear.  However he is quite smart.  He comes by our shop every so often and personally gives me his tips and tricks.  My dad runs from him as he can waste hours talking about nothing.  He came by today and I decided I wanted to share with you a conversation of ours word for word.  I typed a complete script of everything that was said. 

Here it is: 

 

*I see Elwood drive up and immediatly pull up Notepad to type every word this man says, I find him fascinating*

 

"Hi Elwood"

 

"Do you frequent chicken, bacon or sausage in your kitchen?"

 

"Well sure"

 

*he is carrying a clipboard and takes a seat in my office*

 

"Did you know that a moderate amount of seven up will keep the grease from biting you?"

 

"Neat" *take a sip of soda*

 

"Not only is that cola your drinking a refreshment but can be used to erode battery turmoil off as well as sterylize meat."

 

"Cool, but I think Id rather drink it"

 

"Do you have Norfolk phone book could I run off with it as far as finding what I need here?"

 

"sure" *typing down everything he is saying bc I think its funny*

 

"Finish you train of thought if you stop in mid field you might forget where you were as far as getting everything put."

 

*I pause and hand him the phone book*

 

"Okie Doke."

 

*im starring at him wondering why he needs the phone book*

 

"Looking up a phone number for the possibilities of horses." he volunteered. 

 

"Has it become pretty hectic as far as your business routine here?" he asked me.

 

"Fairly, yes, so are you looking to buy horses?"

 

"Nope, promoting one of my endeavers, saddle and leather cleaner, conklin has become available with" *mumbles numbers*

 

*he often comes in with some kind of household product he is trying to sell*

 

"I see..."  *catching up with the typing*

 

"Tomorrow is spose to be up to 75, so ones winterization is going to have to be removed for a little while"

 

"It'll get cold soon enough"

 

"After a days time this time of year it can reverse, at noon it was up to um in the 60's.  At 8 o'clock this morning it was 40"

 

"Yea"

 

*he closes phone book*

 

"Well im not gonna find it so i will be on my way."

 

*im shocked at the shortness of his visit, I think its because im carrying on a conversation and typing at full speed not even looking at the computer...maybe he was on to me?*

 

"Well alright."

 

*he stands up, and snaps his suspenders against his chest and kicks the carpet with his boot that has his slacks tucked inside of them*

 

"I gotta take my packing peanuts back up that I forgot to load up after I loaded cans next door ended up when I came back I had 32 pounds of cans.  $.25 a pound, it takes exactly 30 cans to make a pound."

 

"Wow, that is a lot of cans"

 

*as I absent mindedly toss my can of Nos energy drink in the garbage*

 

"Do you collect your empty bettery cleaning beverages?"

 

"no.."

 

"Can I have the one you just discard in the waste receptical discharge bin"

 

*smile* "absolutly"  *pull it out of the garbage and hand it to him*

 

"So maybe you can get considerable amount acomplished before another interruption occurs."

 

"Oh, believe me your no interruption"

 

"And another factor too that if um you get detered sometime and dont get something completly accomplish your bound to forget the particular that needs to be included."

 

"Yea..."

 

*stares at me a moment, im at a loss for words and he leaves the office and stands at the exit door starring at me*

 

"you forget something?"

 

"No, *smiles at me*, the exit way seems to be keeping me from not entering"

 

"Oh, it gets sticky sometimes, just giver a good shove"

 

*slams clip board against door*

 

"Seems so"

 

*I watch him climb in his car and get out and come back inside*

 

"I seem to have run off with a book of pages that doesnt belong to me"

 

*hands me the phone book*

 

"Oh, i didnt even notice, thank you"

 

"Wax can be lifted from carpet fibers with a towel and a hot garment iron"

 

*he bolts out the door and into his gray Geo with an orange bumper*

 

So there it is, that is a typical (but short) conversation experience with Elwood.  Hes practically famous in our town, so im flattered that he stops by our office to bug me.  : ) 

 

*Im special*