and the abuse question came up.
i answered all her questions.... i haven't been reluctant to talk about it since the relationship ended... it's been very healing.... i'm past the point of needing to talk about it though and generally it only comes up when something triggers a memory or if the other person brings it up.
but anyway, .... i take for granted now what i went through...it's part of my history that just is.
yes sometimes the memories can be painful... but for the most part it just is part of who i am now.... like getting lots of ear infections when i was a kid.... sometimes i feel more damaged than others... but for the most part i think i've come through it very strong.
i tend to forget though how shocking it is to other people. and i say things matter of factly (that is the best way for me to deal with it) that they find very shocking.
the man was a master brainwasher and an idiot. at the same time.
and i was very gullible and naive.
i'm just not sure how to handle this.... i'm afraid that i will scare new friends away by talking about it... they just don't know how to react.... but at the same time. what i went through is part of me and i won't deny it happened.
it was bad, it was shocking, it was one of the worst psychological abuse cases the social workers i talked to had ever seen.
and i'm OK. i suppose that is amazing to some people.... but to me it isn't.... i had three choices. i could have killed him and ended up in a mental hospital or jail..... i could have killed myself and been dead.... or in a mental hospital.... or i could choose to get better and move on and take care of my children.
believe it or not it was a VERY difficult decision. suicide would have been MUCH easier and less painful.
just moving on from something like that is NOT easy and was really really scary.
anyway.
i'm rambling now.
but my point is.... if you have lived through hell.... how do you talk about it with new aquaintances without letting it define who you are to them?
Fallyn posted on Nov 04, 2009
| views: 60
Comments
-
cntlvmenuf said on Nov 04, 2009....
Fallyn: I know its very difficult to leave an abusive or unfulfilling situation. And whereas suicide is often seen as the easier way out, more often than not it is the selfish option coz you had your kids and your other family who cared about you to think about it.
Now that is tricky...opening up to new friends. I think there is the fear that they will judge you based on your past instead of your courage to get over it and forge a new life. I think it would matter a lot where you start your story. If you start with the positive and the lessons you have learned, then tell them about the abuse, it might help alleviate the shock factor. Another indicator that it would be ok for you to share is if your new friends open up to you.
I dunno though, this is a sticky situation. But your timing is what will really matter....and you also have to figure out how to prepare your new friends emotionally and make them know you are not looking for pity...but an appreciation of who you are.
-
Fallyn said on Nov 04, 2009....
every time it comes up it just kinda gets led into..... we talk about past relationships.... or this guy was a jerk.... or that guy was an ass.... how come i can't find any good guys.... that kind of thing..... girl talk.
and then comes a point where i can either open up about my past.... or go completely silent and the conversation ends..... either way it's not an outcome i really want....
i feel comfortable talking about my past.... but i do realize it can be a bit too much for people.
until the past couple of weeks even my best friend didn't know the extent of the abuse.... we just hadn't had a chat that involved that.
she knows me really really well and was shocked by what i'd been through.
it didn't push her away, cause she knows me really well.
-
uniquely-ironic said on Nov 04, 2009....
I've survived abuse and know it's not easy to tell others about it. There's always the fear that they'll see you as weak somehow for having fallen into that situation. It's also no fun to bring up the past, with the present and the future looking much better. I've fallen into the habit of downplaying it to people who I feel haven't earned the trust neccesary to share an intimate secret like that. Sharing my experience is something I do with those who can benefit from it. -
Hegemone said on Nov 04, 2009....
Well, I didn't go through what you did, but each abuse case seems to be psychologically and mentally difficult to each individual just as it is, on an individual level. My dad has abused me in the past, and I admit I have experienced the awkward point with new friends where I've got to answer questions, or explain why I can't just do this or that involving my dad, or why I avoid my dad at all costs when he's drunk, angry, mopey or sick.
The way I handle is to sort of take it like you do, I don't necessarily talk about it on a regular basis, and I don't bring it up unless someone else has done so. If it doesn't come up, I don't talk about it, and when it does, I discuss it, I don't make a long conversation of it, I bluntly state whatever part of it that seems to be particular to the conversation, how long ago it happened, and then I move on with the conversation, not giving them a chance to try to pity me, to dwell on it or to try to tell me how I should handle it. That way, it's out there, but they see my attitude about it is that it has not stopped me from living, it's a part of my life sure, but it's not the only part and it will never be. I've learned from it and moved on.
Also, I find that it seems to be easier for me to do it that way, and transition the conversation to the next natural part as opposed to stating it, then leaving them open to say something. I understand it can be uncomfortable for someone to try to think of something to say in response to that, so I remove the discomfort and just move things along myself. Of course, I may have gotten really lucky in that the people I have discussed it with haven't chosen to want to discuss it in detail, and they haven't decided that I'm just too much for them to handle because it happened to me either though.
Best of luck with this, I think it's just one of those trial and error by way of comfort level sorts of things. If you're comfortable, I think the people you're discussing it with will sense that and it'll help them be more comfortable.
Comment on "talking to a new friend"
Related Posts:
husbandhater
posted 6 days ago
| views: 75
|
Some stay at all costs. Some say that they are working it through. But when parents are arguing and fighting all of the time.When they live in two seperate worlds under the same roof,what do you think the fallout is for the children if they stay together... read entire post
DaddysLittleSlut
posted on Nov 01, 2009
| views: 174
|
I've been struggling lately with my masochistic side. I just wanted to blog it out because that always helped in the past. I am one confused chick.... read entire post
husbandhater
posted on Nov 06, 2009
| views: 38
|
Here is a question that deserves an honest answer. If a man got into a fight with a woman and she was the agressor do you think it is wrong to hit her back?... read entire post
Striving2bseethrough
posted 7 days ago
| views: 37
|
Secrets....my best friend and my worst enemy. I love the sense of power they give you (the whole 'I know something you don't know') but they also cripple you. THey eat you from the inside out like acid and burn your tongue so that when you feel like you... read entire post