It just seems to me a muddle, fuddled kind of thing. Sometimes I get it right, other times I get it sooooo wrong, try to find the lesson in it and then get kicked in the guts for the hell of it.
All of it my doing of course, kind of like a little sugar on top of the pie knowing that you sabotage your own life.
I could sit here and espouse my wisdom or lack of it and then when crunch comes to crunch I question that wisdom because I'm impatient.
Then out of the blue, when things are always at their worst, a little gift comes along... well not a gift something unexpected.
I guess the biggest part of life I grapple with is the fact that I question myself far toomuch, I become cynical of others and then when the chips are down I forget everything that will help me get through.
Like playing the blonde...
Perhaps my expectations of myself and people are too high? perhaps I really am just plain dumb? why is it that when I am at the end of my tether and ready to just give up life comes along and fucking dumps what I've been needing for a long time?
The other thing that pisses me off, here is an example.
My back has been giving me hell on a stick lately, its so twisted but I haven't got a dollar to flip let alone go see a professional, so I train my husband on how to release my sciatica nerve, I was at whits end, crying.... to release it I had to go through more pain than being on a torturers rack, and now released I have one buttock cheak that is black and blue - is that what you call being on the ass end of life?
Still I sit here, MAKING myself smile, KNOWING that at some point I WILL get it... what? how the fuck would I know thats what I'm trying to figure out....
All I keep thinking at the moment which isn't helping is "so this is it, struggle, permenant fucked up struggle" not healthy huh? certainly not helpful....
Thankfully its a full moon so at least I can sit outside at night and join the chorus of other animals stop trying to be a human being and just howl liek the rest of em.
