Well, SC - I am teetering on the brink. It seems like I should be a lot more upset than I actually am, but I am taking consolation in the knowledge that I have done the absolute best that I could. Also, there's still a slight chance I can achieve the grades I need to stay off academic probation depending on how I do with final exams in a couple of weeks. Realistically, probation seems to be the worst-case scenario, unless my performance declines even further. Oh - I really hope not! I'm not ready to leave!!
My grades are sporadic. They were awful at first, then somewhat better, and as of yesterday, disastrous. The thing is, my efforts are consistent. I am full-steam, and feeling a little discouraged because I am honestly giving this my best. I really want this, and I believed I could do it, at least initially. Now, I am in to deep too give up. I'd rather be tossed out than quit if it comes to it. Always go down fighting - it's the Amazon way.
In the meanwhile, I am learning some unexpected lessons that have little, if anything, to do with course content. I am learning to treasure the silence - it's so quiet in the morning when I hike the trail near the creek, no sound except the rushing of water and the crunching of the dried leaves and gravel beneath my boots, the whoosh of my breathing and the pulse in my veins. I feel very alive, more so than I can recall in recent months. Part of me went the night Jack passed away. We were joined by invisible strands, some of them still intact. I feel him around me sometimes, especially when it's quiet, which is really ironic considering the man hardly ever shut his mouth!
I am learning a lot about myself. There's no one else for me to take care of, and so all of my attention is focused on the things that used to be camoflauged by my compulsion to care for others first. Yes, yes - some of it was compassion and genuine altruism, but some of it was this fear of being alone with my soul. I lost a lot of my identity in the divorce, not true identity, but the illusion of who I am when caught in someone else's shadow. I'm still not entirely sure, but I am catching glimpses of this really cool woman from time to time. It's me - a combination of sharp wit, skepticism, awe, naivete, and a penchant for sarcasm and slapstick humor. Some of the shadow belonged to Armadillo, because in many ways, before his death, my close relationship with my brother cushioned my solitude. I am an introvert, and there are few people who can completely draw me from my shell. Jack was one of them. There's another, but he's far away, at least geographically - yet, close at heart. Even that has become something of an advantage - learning to love with low risk and enough distance for the illusion of safety.
My list of achievements has also been something of an identity - a way to define myself. Facing the very real possibility of failure has allowed me to see that I am not my credentials. I am fortunate that I have a safety net, a clinical career to fall back on if this doesn't work out, but I really thought I could have such a broader impact this way. The academic doctorate would allow me to do research, to explore better methods and improved access to health care for those who are at a serious disadvantage. Before that sounds too selfless, you need to understand the tremendous level of frustration I experienced before deciding to go back to school - trying to treat patients who really need help when there aren't enough resources to go around and nobody seems to care. If I could have addressed that without another doctorate, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I'm too old to be studying like this, and I had to give up a hell of a lot in terms of comfort and lifestyle in order to pursue this dream. Last year, I was in the Carribbean for winter break. This year, I'll be on the upper west side, which is not the worst place in the world, but even the Museum of Natural History can't hold a candle to an ocean full of coral and stingrays. And I can't exactly snorkel in the pool at the university, although it's in the village, and plenty of weird stuff happens there, so who knows? People might not even notice ;)
Also .... for someone who did not really think of herself as materialistic, I am discovering that there was indeed stuff to sacrifice. It seems petty, but I recently found this really wonderful pair of Italian leather boots. Oh my goodness, so soft - and they looked hot! But, they were more than half a month's rent on the current budget, and there's no way I'd be trekking through the mud on homecare visits or on the way to clinic wearing boots like that. So - they stayed at the store, and this will seem shallow, but I cried. LOL. I cried because I miss my salary. I didn't splurge often, but I could if I really wanted - and now that it is time to start Christmas shopping, I am going to have to find other ways to spoil the kids. My nephews want a Wii - and TiTi would have sprung for it in a heartbeat, but that just ain't happening now, not after I have spent well over $2000 in books this semester, with more just a few months away.
Sounds like it sucks, right? And sometimes it does, but amazingly, more often than not, I am thankful for the experience. I am still holding fast to the dream. I'm not as intelligent as I thought - but maybe, just maybe I am a whole lot stronger than I'd imagined. No summa cum laude this go-round. I am way out of my comfort area and skill set. The stats, the math, the research courses are killing me, but I'm hoping that perhaps I'm just a little slow to catch on and it will come to me in time. Any discussion of clinical application comes relatively easily. I can see how the two can mesh if I can somehow make it through.
And even if I don't, I can also see the value of the journey I am taking. It continues to be a rocky adventure.
Buddha said, "it is because of the mud that the lotus may bloom." Good God, there is lots and lots of mud here, especially up in the hills. Guess I'm just gonna have to blossom.
