I guess we all have had situations that have influenced out life for years to come, some talk out others don't.
I figure people can have use of my personal experience and thoughts.
Now that I finally dare to speak out, to help others.
I remember in third class it began.. At the beginning it was only timely words thrown away to annoy one. In fourth class it began to get physical, the bullying.
I told the teachers, they did what they could but didn't take it to serious unaware of the scars my soul would carry for many years.
Hidden behind a golden screen they where out of sight to me.
This bullying would carry on 'till 6th class. Every day in school was a royal pain.
Some how I managed to get the physical attacks to stop in 5th class, due to fighting back.
But the none physical terror would only get worse, unaware as I was.
I don't know how I managed to stay alive but during 7th class I changed class all together.
The mental & physical terror stopped for a good while, I made new friends who where well able to defend me, even willing to.
As they though left school I was on my own again, it slowly began to pick up again.
As luck would have it I was in a limited social circle so I could hide as needed.
But still I knew in the shadows the bully's where waiting.
It's like shaving with a razor sharp kukri, its sure to go give you a scar some time.
For me quite often, 6 years is a long time. I often thought of suicide, but due to my family I never even tried.
You must know, I wasn't a weak individual, quite the opposite.
But you know, its like the elements... It tears you down slowly 'till there's nothing left.
Then one day, just a few summers ago I meet a gal. Love at first sight, this was my wakening call to see, learn and analyse myself. Then I tore down the golden screen and I could see the scars on my soul.
You know those who say "Time heals all wounds" don't quite know what they are talking about. The only sure thing time does is to kill ya.
It took me 10 years to even dare to approach a gal, in a "normal" manner.
The wounds are still there, but now I am aware of them and treat them.
Catch you around,
Voltaire
Voltaire posted on Nov 03, 2009
| views: 103
Comments
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beyondtheveil said on Nov 03, 2009....
Time does not heal wounds, period. I have even heard people say 'time wounds healing'. Without the work required to change and learn, there is no healing and all the work is done in the 'now' of our lives. There are many other sayings of untruthfulness, even destructive ones such as 'you need to release your anger', for one.
You are right to say the wounds will always be there, it is how we live with them in the 'now' that saves us or breaks us.
Excellent, though sad post, but you have learned much.
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gingersoul said on Nov 03, 2009....
Voltie.......i was more on the bully side when i was in elementary, than the bulllied one.
I was sassy, bold and my well round body was helping in projecting that image of "better not messing up with me'.
I never had any problem even in other grades. Even when i muted in a a nice and gentler version of my previous bully one...;-)
When my daughter started to go to school bullies have been my very worry. I am so fortunate that she had never had one single occasion to know on her skin what this horrible thing means..
She watched other kids being bullied and she would talk to me about it with a sense of anger and disgust.
I agree with you and Beybey...time doesn't heal.....you just learn to cope better with your dark emotions and experiences......
I hope you soul has been soothed along the way....{hugs}
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Me-Myself&I said on Nov 03, 2009....
you were then and now a strong soul. posting this tells me you are on the road to recovery.
there are events in my life that will never leave me but i put it on the back shelf and hope tomorrow will help put more time behind the things that haunt me. ;~)
glad you met someone who gives you love and insight and that you have a supporting family.
you have a wonderful soul! i enjoy you. *smile* i hope the best for you Voltaire.
take care of yourself! ~see ya
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cntlvmenuf said on Nov 03, 2009....
I think what time does is give us numerous opportunities to heal our wounds....and most of them will leave scars. I also believe that we have to be ready to look into our wounded soul when the time is right and start taking the necessary steps towards making peace with our past. We can't change it, it is what it was. The key I think is really knowing that it was not our fault. Yes we can tell ourselves in many tongues that it is not our fault, but until we truly see and know this to be true, the wounds will still sting.
It does sound like you are finally on the road to recovery. Its the hardest thing to do, to finally face our demons and tell them we will no longer allow them to stop us from living. To venture out into the real world to find that innocence that was stolen from us. Keep walking towards the light.
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Voltaire said on Nov 04, 2009....
Beyond,
Indeed. Relseasing your anger is mostly only temporary but it can make you feel free as long as it lasts.
Ginger,
I didn't see that one comming.
I find you can supress your 'dark emotions', if nothing realeses them.
Actually Ginger it doesn't soothe, it can reach the deepest parts of your soul.
There is no chance for return except for outside help, to live trough the very opposite. To live as you wanted it.
I think that is the best treatment.
MMI,
Even a strong soul can tremble.
As for recovery, read what I wrote above to Ginger.
In a long term run I am heading for recovery.
I just meet someone, though it never turned into something.
It was merely a eye opening experience.
cnt,
Well there are chances, though they have been few in my life.
I have been that person that has had to do most things myself, rarely getting help from the outside.
I'd suggest you read the above to so you can se the whole picture.
Regards,
Voltaire
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jebusiamnt665 said on Nov 04, 2009....
Yeah, people who've never been bullied can never understand how traumatic an experience it can turn out to be.
Good to know you came out of your shell, though later than you would've wanted to, but you wouldn't have faced those challenges which made you much stronger as an individual now.
I can totally empathize with all the suicidal thoughts that went through your head in those moments. I thought I was going nuts when I started to think about how "I'd be better off dead rather than have to face those assholes tomorrow".
I don't understand why people think suicides are either fucked in the head or stupid, 'cause seriously, one has to be in a really messed-up situation to even think about taking their own life, right? So instead of criticizing and being a complete ignorant jackfuck about it, they should help that person out.
Time doesn't heal wounds for shit. It's just a phrase people say to make them sound all intellectual and wise. Kinda like how they tell you to "get over it".
You're gonna be alright. Keep your head up.
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GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 04, 2009....
There is a "Lord of the Flies" like brutality to schools that people seem to forget. Nostalgia has a way of whitewashing the past, you know? Make it all seem like hand holding and sing alongs, erstwhile the dark and difficult task of navigating the social jungle of adolescence is left pretty much unattended by the keepers of these brutal children.
Children can be much meaner than adults ever could because they simply don't know any better.
Oh and time may not heal all wounds, but it'll scar it up plenty. Give it long enough, and nothing will eventually matter. After all, if you're lucky, only a few will care once you've turned to dust. And some time after that, no one will.
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Voltaire said on Nov 04, 2009....
Jeb,
I agree.
No I think it was better for me to come out later, due to that I can handle it better as time passes.
Suicidal people should indeed be helped.
Grape,
Yes they only control the class room, some teachers don't even do that.
Regarding Nostalgia, couldn't agree more.
ANd much does indeed stop to matter, its the same when being madly in love, only she/he means something. You forget the rest of the world.
But in this manner it is in a negative way.
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mixednuts said on Nov 04, 2009....
Time scares all wounds. -
starchini said on Nov 04, 2009....
Bullies are everywhere, I was tormented all through grade school and highschool. Only in HS they did it a little more discretly. Even as an adult random people will insult me.
I remember sitting outside smoking a cigarette during a work break and a bunch of kids parked their bikes infront of the door. I moved them for them. They came out and yelled at me for touching their bikes and slung some pretty hurtful words at me regarding my weight.
Its really no wonder why my self esteem is so low, even now that im a "grown up".
Yup, hurtful words are much stickier than nice ones. -
Lucytorial said on Nov 04, 2009....
now the true test, is this gal tender and loving with those scars?? -
Voltaire said on Nov 04, 2009....
MixedNuts,
Scares?? ;D
Star,
Yeah its a royal pain in the rear end.
Lucy,
I guess that depends on her own development from that point.
How those events actually effected her.