Well, here’s the blog I was meaning to write before it got deleted! Oh my word! Soo irritating! Well I thought I should write it again because it’s important to me that you know where I’m coming from with all the crazy stuff I’ve been saying.

 

Well there’s something that I want to get off my chest. And it has to do with who I am as a person.

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. And by recent, I mean relatively so. In fact, it’s actually been 3 months since we broke up and I have had 2 boyfriends since then but well, I loved him.

 

I love him.

 

We met at a church camp where he gave his testimonial of how he was a Satanist and is now a Christian. I found that really inspiring and powerful so I knew that I wanted to speak to him. I thought that he would ‘get’ me because I was Goth for two years and he would understand that life isn’t all roses and cherries.

 

I was right. We did hit it off. In fact he asked me to marry him in our very first conversation! We were sweet 16 at the time, and never been kissed. We experienced everything for the first time together…first –date, -movie, -hand hold, –kiss, and more…

 

We were in love; we were going to get married. We needed each other.

 

Even though he had said he was now a converted Christian he still really struggled with his Satanist part of his identity.  I helped him to stay away from that side of his life and in turn he helped me with my ED. In fact he ‘cured’ me from my bulimia. Well, he kept on saying it wasn’t him, it was God.

 

So there we were. Our perfect lives together. Best friends and soul mates for eternity. Our relationship was deeply rooted in God and people envied us for it. But then….I started lying….

 

I was making myself sick again. I didn’t tell him that I was but he found out, and he went bezerk. He said that he doesn’t want to be with someone who hurts themselves (I found this ironic as he (and I) was a regular self-harmer. He stopped talking to me and that was it.

 

The next day, though, he came back saying how we’ve done it once, we can do it again. We can get over this Lucy! You’re beautiful!

 

Everyday since that day he told me I was beautiful every minute of every day, I grew dependent on those words. It was my drug. I would try and dress as nicely as I could so that he would say the magic words and I wouldn’t feel bad about myself and make myself sick. When he didn’t say them I would crumble emotionally and would go on a whole cycle of not eating and then purging. I wouldn’t tell him that though… But then, slowly I started feeling better about myself. The days when he told me I was beautiful I would be the life and soul of the party. I attracted a lot of attention and this made my boyfriend jealous.

That’s when our rosy life started to became toxic and abusive…

 

When I would be invited to a party that he wasn’t invited to (my friends were scared of him, and rightly so. He was 6’5 and built like a bouncer. He would only wear black and he never took off his dark sunglasses (even at night)) he would call none stop on my cellphone every 5 minutes. Saying things like ‘I love you, your not cheating on me are you?’ It got to a point were it felt like harassment. When I confronted him he would say ‘But I was only saying nice things.’ And that was true, how could I dispute it. But still, then when I went to these parties I would leave my cellphone off at home. In response to this he would call all my friends asking to speak to me, asking where I was, what I was doing. He would call my mom demanding to know what time I’ll be home.

 

It got to a point though, where it was just easier and less hassle to not go at all. That’s when I lost my friends. I no longer socialized with them so I no longer had anything in common with them. My one friend just told me straight up ‘I’m not going to speak to you again unless you break up with him.’

 

I was unhappy and I was making myself sick again, but still he would make me feel good about myself and when I’d complain that I have no friends then he would say, but you have me and my friends.

 

That was all very well but then I was lonely and unhappy, and the art I was doing was getting more and more depressed until my art teacher actually told me to ditch him.

 

I did. But I didn’t do it very wisely. I broke up with him (first on the phone, but then he came round in his car at 1am to find out what’s happening and I got into the car with him – big mistake) and we were talking in the car. He was asking me back and I refused. So he was shouting at me in the car and I had had enough so I got out of the car and started walking home (we had driven two blocks away for privacy). He followed me revving his engine saying in a low voice ‘Lucy…get into the car’ I kept on walking. This carried on all the way down the road until he started shouting ‘LUCY GET INTO THE CAR NOW!!!’ He drove up onto the pavement forcing me to go into the hedge (next to the road) in order to avoid being run over.

 

That scared me a lot.

 

I promised myself I wouldn’t go back out with him ever again.

 

So the next weekend I met someone new (we all need a rebound) and it was a quick flurry of romance that left me feeling better and more confident about myself. I have him to thank for that. Though he kept on saying to me all the time ‘Lucy your so thin’ ‘Lucy I can see your ribs through your clothes’ I responded ‘I can see your ribs through your clothes…we’re the same.’ I think he’s anorexic too…he used to be obese but then he had one meal a day for two years and he’s thinner than me. He was fun.

 

The day after we broke up (a mutual understanding, we had nothing to say to each other) The ex called asking me back. Promising that he would give me space let me go to parties and be myself. I was like, why not? He was my best friend.

So then we went out again. Things were different. I was different. I was more mature and the change freaked him out a bit. But still, we went out for another 6 months clocking up a total of 2 years 7 months of a relationship.

 

But then it was my matric (prom/farewell) dance.

 

My rebound was there with us as one of my friend’s date. AWKWARD! Well not for me and him but for me and my boyfriend. He was telling me what a slut I was and how much I had hurt him (this is at the dance table) and basically making my matric dance hell. I was crying throughout and I felt awful. Two days later he went to England for a holiday with his family. This left me a lot of time to think about our relationship.

 

I came to the conclusion that I would break up with him when he got back. (I didn’t want to ruin him and his family’s holiday.)

 

Then my friend invited me to a party (it had been a while since I had gone to one) and so I went. And I had fun. Too much fun. I ended up kissing another boy. I felt bad, but then again I knew that the only way he and I would get out of the cycle of getting back together again; I would have to do something that would have made him feel disgusted with me.

 

I had tried before, letting our relationship peter out, but he had just become clingier. I tried to pull the whole ‘Let’s be friends’ card. That didn’t work. I tried telling him point blank that I didn’t want to be with him anymore and to please stop calling me. He just stalked me. I tried telling him that I was still throwing up and starving myself on a regular basis, bit then he just ‘loved’ me more. So then, what was left? It sounds like I’m making excuses but well; honestly I had always known that by kissing another boy he would leave me.

 

In his 'closure call' with me he told me that 'Lucy you need me becuase your fat' In response to this I have for the past three months had a major downward spiral of not eating and such. But it helps. It's an aspect of my life I can lose myself in. 

 

And well, that is how it happened. Now we’re broken up. We don’t see each other or speak to each other or anything.

 

I’ve had two boyfriends since then. They’ve both been fun and I’m learning how to be myself apart from my ex. He had made up such a large amount of my identity that after we had really broken up I had a bit of an identity crises. But I think I’m finding my feet now and I’m looking forward to going to university next year.

 

I still love him. And what we had in the first 2 years of our relationship was very special and I will hold that to my heart for ever. But I’m becoming my own person now and I think I have the courage to move on.