I can quit smoking weed, quit drinking alcohol, quit smoking cigarettes, and quit fornicating with men.  I can refrain from homosexual activities after experiencing them, though I find myself attracted to both men and women.  The biggest thing that I can't seem to do is to stop cussing and saying "God damn it!"  If I were able to master the language, I would be alright.  I think that the way I spew things out of my mouth and fingertips proves that I am an angry soul.  I expect the Jehovah's witnesses to show up at the door either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Perhaps I will tell them about my weakness and why I don't think that I would make a good Christian.  I cuss more than I ever did lately.  I don't go around beating people up, but anger is there.  I feel pissed because I have been violated so badly.  Still, if I want to be someone that follows the God of the Bible I can't be a hypocrite.  I don't want to be a hypocrite like some people I know.  I can't say that I love God when I have times in which I cuss him out.  I would love to do what is right, but don't know what is at this point.  So far I haven't got an explaination as to why other species die.  I know that we supposedly die because of Adam and Eve.  What about the other animals that wander this Earth?  I guess that they pissed God off too?!  Why are there ticks, fleas, and mosquitos?  What the hell did all of the lovely animals of this world do to deserve being plagued by such things along with other detrimental issues.  I guess I have to just study religious books to see where all of the chaos is coming from.  I guess that I have to face the fact that I am happier being myself.  If I can't change something in me, then I must embrace it .  If that makes me a child of the devil, so be it.  I know of many people that think they are children of God, that do things that are sinful.  I can admit that I am sinful.  I also can admit that some things I just can't change.  I don't like how both the Southern Baptist church and the one Jehovah's witness pointed out that according to the Bible we should not love ourselves.  The question I have about that is this:  If I don't love myself, what is to stop me from trying to kill myself again?"  I would think that I was bad and worthless.  I have felt this way at many times.  Whenever I am down on my existence, I end up wanting to die.  When I feel as though my self esteem is good, I don't want to die.  Well, it looks like I am going to have some fun with these people when they come to the door again.  I have many questions in my beloved mind.  I doubt they will like what I have to say as time goes on.  They are the ones who said that it was good to ask questions.  I already know about there are negative things in the Bible.  One thing that I recall reading is that Jesus said  The only sin that cannot be forgiven is blasphemy towards the Holy Spirit.  Let us see now...........I think I am going to be considered one of the wicked ones.