~I noticed something this morning involving my attitude, and recently, a sort of lack of positivity and optimism.

I was washing my hands at work this morning and looked at myself in the mirror, noticing that my complexion has improved a bit.  Usually when I get major stressed I break out with acne galore on my chin and forehead.  Last week I was all broken out, but now I'm not, they're fading away.  But that brought me to thinking of how if I put the effort in, things go the way I want them to.  Yet lately, I've just been feeling pretty shitty and I've been overwhelmed with financial issues.  It's like one whammy after another.  We just bought the car from my uncle, so that's going to be a grand out of our asses.  Then, because of some shitty manipulation on my husband's part, we spent $240 on one pair of glasses for him.

He needs his glasses to see, but he didn't need those particular glasses, from that particular place.  We could have gone to one place, gotten two pairs for about $100 and been happy.  I'll not go into the details because I spent a good portion of yesterday walking around with a doom and gloom attitude over it.  My husband was certainly sorry for it, he got called out on his bullshit manipulative behavior and he was told that if he keeps omitting information so he can get his way, he's soon going to be living back with his parents and he can fuck off.  I pretty much came down as hard as I could on him.

Either way, I sort of lost my footing on the path of positivity and I don't like it.  So here, now, I'm striking back out and I'm putting up the good fight against all this shitty, negative crap I've had floating around my mind.  Yeah, we're a little money fucked, but too late to worry about that now, it has to be taken care of.  Sure, things aren't going my way, but they'll get worse if I just keep getting a crappy attitude.  Although, it is pretty appealing to walk around being a ginormous bitch to everybody.  It feels good at least.

~ I want what I want, now.  This has been a long time building.

I also figured out something yesterday, why it bothers me so insufferably bad when my husband pulls his shit.  That is, when he manipulates, omits information, saves it for the last minute to divulge when it's too late to change course, so that he gets what he wants.  I've spent so much of my life going without.  I go without a lot of things I want.  I always have.  You'd think as an only child it wouldn't be that way, but when you've got a father like mine, well you quickly learn that he comes first and if you've got to miss out on the things you want, or the things you want to do, well it keeps the peace with dad so let it happen.  I go without things now so we can pay our bills and look towards moving out.  My husband doesn't go without.

I'm sick and tired of going without so someone else can have.  I'm sick to death of it.  I want what I want, and I want it now.  I just can't have it.  That pisses me off.  I wish I could find that shut off switch so I could fluidly spend money, not care, and have what I wanted.  I don't have that switch though.  I informed my husband of this by the way, and I think it gave him a little insight as to how he makes me feel when he pulls his shit.

So, in light of that, I want what I want and I'm going to get it.  Certain things, sure, I'll continue going without.  Certain things, well, no.  If my husband can justify a $240 pair of glasses that were really more expensive because of the damn place they came from, then I can justify buying a $20 book on animal care, or a new pair of shoes since my junker pair just shot shit and I'll have to make my current good pair my new junkers, leaving me without a good pair.  If my husband can justify needing 15 pair of jeans so he never runs out, I can justify getting another pair of jeans considering I only have 3.  He's just going to have to start going without, until we're both equaled out at least. 

I know this sounds entirely selfish, but so what.  Currently, I'm sick of going without something so he can have it.  That shit stops now, and he knows it, and he's been told bluntly 'You aren't getting your way, you're not getting what you want, and YOU are going to go without for a change.'  Oh yeah, and I also happily told him that now he's required to sit down with me, do the math with me, review the numbers, etc. every time I do bills or anything involving money so he can see why I stress over it so much, so he can get a taste and so he can feel a little bit of that panic that I feel when he makes a stupid choice because he WANTS something and doesn't care about what we need.

Further, he's been told ... you're not gonna screw me over by always getting what you want so that I never move out of this house and away from my dad.  If you think you're that special, you're fucking wrong because so far you haven't been worth the shit on the bottom of your shoes.  So either shape up, or prepare to realize just how much of a piece of shit you act like sometimes.

No more Mrs. Nice Guy ... no more giving so I can get shit on.  I was not put here on this planet to be a slave for others.  I deserve to get what I want, I deserve to be happy.  If somebody wants to fight me on that, they're going to wind up picking themselves up out of the gutter.