~ To get it off my mind, I have a predicament that I wouldn't mind a few suggestions on.
Apparently there was more to the dynamics of the whole family thing, the BIL thing and my SIL is now involved. Supposedly she's mad and hurt that we a.) don't wave when we pass by and b.) we hardly ever talk to her. Now, I can't speak for my husband, but I wave EVERY single time I pass by their home, whether I see them out or not ... because of the last time she got upset about it. They have a weird yard where they could easily be outside and see us pass, but we wouldn't see them. So sorry I'm not going to divert my gaze from driving to crane around and look for them. So now I wave no matter what.
As far as not speaking to them, all right, I'll admit, we don't put a lot of effort into going to look for a conversation with them. However, when they are at the farm, or we happen to cross paths with them, we spend time catching up and talking. We don't ignore them and hide. I guess that's a problem because she'd like to talk to us in between those times also. My problem there is that it doesn't end there. It will open the doors back again to her constantly calling, constantly asking us for favor, and the inevitable horrendous, unenjoyable, uncomfortable visits to their home. I admit it, I don't like spending time in their home because a.) it's always really really messy and dirty and you know me, that drives me nuts and b.) their kids drive me nuts.
I don't have children, and that's why I don't have children, I'm not ready for crying, screaming, misbehaving, snotting, pooping, drooling insanity. So yeah, I don't really enjoy going over to visit because it never gets to be just for a half an hour or an hour, it turns into two, three or more hours, AND us having to help them with this, that or the other thing, or committing to something else at a later date. OR, if you refuse, then you hate them, you're horrible, and you are guilt tripped and made miserable until you give in.
Staying away just isn't going to work, because my SIL is complaining to my MIL about it constantly and now my MIL is coming down on us. She's also getting all emotional, claiming that because we aren't being nice and mending our fences with them, we're going to ruin her holidays. So, to keep the peace some compromise will have to be made. I'd rather stick with things the way they are now, where we catch up when we see them, but we don't necessarily go out of our way to do so. It'd be more peaceful for me, well, if it wasn't for my MIL now getting on us, because that removes the peacefulness. My SIL wants us to talk to her more, call her, visit with her, etc. Anybody have any ideas on a happy medium so that we don't get sucked into constant commitments, dreary visits and over involvement?
~ If you were curious, things with the BIL are at least resolved.
Also, just to clear it up, the shit with my BIL and BILBM was all a misunderstanding, and due to a lack of communication. Last night we all had a chance to speak, well, all but BILBM. Yes, myself, my husband, my BIL, TFYO & OFHG all had a pow wow to clear the air. They were waiting for me to talk, I was waiting for them, it clashed and by the time I made the goofy face and smiled at BILBM, she had already decided to be pissy at me. We have not and will not be lumped into the problem that the other four were having, and that's actually supposed to be resolved also, if BILBM can accept that it's resolved.
Supposedly she was just really hurt because OFHG was the only one who didn't drop communication with her when she dicked over my BIL, left him, got married to another guy who she knew for less than a year, and then wanted him back. OFHG still thinks BILBM's actions were inappropriate, especially considering that last year on my birthday BILBM got mad at her for a similar thing, so she should have known how she felt. As it was left last night, all would be fine and resolved as long as BILBM was able to accept the explanations offered. Apparently now things are calm on all fronts, but only time will really tell on that.
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Hegemone posted on Nov 02, 2009
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Comments
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cuppajava said on Nov 02, 2009....
A family dynamic is often a difficult one.My suggestion would be to leave things as they are.The effort has to be made from both sides and not just yours.Make it clear that if you are to visit them,that you only have a specified amount of time,and no more.Its all about being sociable AND being able to put your foot down at the same time.I had the same problem with my inlaws,and still do from time to time.A lot of the time,I just used to walk away and forget about them for a while.That phone will ring eventually - just take it one day at a time.If your MIL is getting involved,then explain your side of it to her,and make her see things your way.If she is going to mediate or arbitrate,then it has to be done fairly -
uniquely-ironic said on Nov 02, 2009....
IDK, I think from what I'm hearing that you're doing just fine with the amount of waving and talking. I mean, it isn't your job to entertain them. Then there's the whole issue of having your own lives. They chose to have kids, now it's time to spend the time with them. As far as MIL is concerned, her blaming you for ruining the holidays is petty and childish. I know a lot of families that have more than one holiday get together specifically because there are family members who don't get along. Life isn't fair, to blame you because the BIL and SIL are childish is just another example of their immature attitude. -
Hegemone said on Nov 02, 2009....
CJ - That's going to be the art of it all, putting a firm foot down so that while we may go visiting, we aren't going to get swept up in hours of visiting. And yeah, I don't feel my MIL is arbitrating fairly. Her way about it is to guilt trip you, cry, and nag you until you're so sick of her you wind up doing whatever it is. Everybody knows it, and that's why they turn to her when they haven't got the guts to deal with the problem themselves. Hard road it's going to be, but I guess it'll just have to play out, as you said, a day at a time. -
fragglesrock said on Nov 02, 2009....
I haven't the foggiest Hegs. I'm sorry. I have a friend who is similar, all visits end up lasting HOURS longer than I had planned, and ALWAYS springboard into something else that I don't want to commit to but I'm afraid of hurting her feeelings if I say no to. -
Hegemone said on Nov 02, 2009....
Uni - Sorry I missed you earlier, I don't know what happened. Anyway, I feel the same in that we really have been doing pretty good, we've not been going out of our way to avoid them, we are nice and pleasant when we talk to them. So that gives me a little comfort in feeling less 'wrong'. I felt the same way in that it was pretty shitty for my MIL to try to blame us for her holidays being ruined, she tries to do that every year. If somebody isn't getting along, oh it's their fault, and year before last it was our fault then. That's the pattern I'm really sick of ... WE'RE the ones to blame, but not whomever else is having the issue with us and is dragging us out, because more often than not, we're quiet about it and have left well enough alone, but with my husband's family, well, they just can't do that.
Frags - It sucks having to deal with that, doesn't it? I mean, not as if I felt I was the only one who ever had to experience something like this, but it is good to just 'hear' that I'm not, ya know?
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simplyconfused said on Nov 02, 2009....
If I could help I would... but uh, I think it's just that your SIL is whiny to be honest. =\ Just, cries about anything possible. The whole BILBM, she just wants to control situations it seems. Just observations... mind you there isn't any advice here but.. well... ..... *waves skittishly, and smilies shyly* -
Hegemone said on Nov 02, 2009....
Simply - Lol, you are dead on with those observations, and if nothing else that makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who sees that. -
dyingman said on Nov 03, 2009....
Expectations appear at issue here.
You're not meeting theirs and you seem unwilling to do so.
Perhaps if those expectations can be set within the limits of your tolerance (perhaps even pleasure), the resentment caused by the coercion could fade. While they'd see less of you than they'd like, perhaps even less than they do now, the time they WOULD get would be willing, engaged time rather than you looking at your watch every five minutes.
Your SIL appears to lack outlets. She has too much time . Babies tend to soften women's minds (so Dyingwife tells me) and there are playgroups that provide companionship of other mothers as well as shared babysitting so they can relieve and help each other. Outside interests may need to be introduced. Volunteer opportunities with schools, charities, hospitals or church.
This problem is that of a loved one. A clingy, needy loved one that you still wish to assist without losing your life doing so. Thsi is not unreasonable and quite frankly, it's healthier for the needy person to have several outlets for their extra time. If you fulfill your mother's fondest wishes and stay at your SIL's house 24-7, you have produced a depency for your SIL that she will depend on and never nurture a network of supporting systems that are more reliable and more rugged than a single friend like you. If you're hit by a bus one day... then what?
Askign you to be the be-all and end-all for SIL is NOT the answer. You are a part of teh answer and cannot be more or you simply replace the problem with another of equal detriment.
Set limits in advance and apologize for none of it. Look for opportunities for SIL to fill her life with meaningful pursuits. Someone in the community needs her and she will benefit from being useful to others. Over time, she will have a full life that has no more room in it to be asking you for time you don't have.
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Hegemone said on Nov 03, 2009....
Dyingman, those are wonderful ideas and I wonder if there are things like that in our area. If nothing else I may have to research into it as a friendly, gentle nudge should I need it. I don't know if it would go over or not, but it's worth a shot at least. You are right in that we just simply can't be the be-all end-all of the situation with her, and my husband hit on it quite nicely the other night in saying that she feels alone, and empty, and why not go to who's first in line but her siblings. Just going to have to set boundaries, as you said, and stick with them. I just want it to work out this time because in the past (this is not a first time occurrance) boundaries have been greatly overstepped and it's wound us up in the very same position. I think getting a stronger hold on the 'ol backbone is what's in order.
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