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why i'm still a virgin...

queenparanoia posted on Nov 02, 2009 | views: 312 | Tags: sex, life, intimacy, decisions decisions, Decisions, bating, Adult Sex Toys, sexual, love, bonds, connection
i'm still a virgin...
 
i'm only 23...
 
now my deifinition of one's removal of virginity is when there is a penetration of a penis into a vagina...
 
i never done that before...
 
but.. that doesnt mean i'm not a sexual person.
 
i'm a very exual person. i masturbate, watch porn, read porn, write porn, have done internet sex before...
 
but never actually do it with an actual person...
 
why?
 
because the oppurtunity hasn't come yet. it's not that i'm picky or anything. (ok i want a big dick... LOL). it's just that i dont want to do it without the emotional attachment to it...
 
and the trust...
 
especially the trust...
 
i'm don't usually trust anyone right away. and it's hard for me to open up about my sex life. (except in soulcast although sometimes i hold my self back in here sometimes because i know my "mommies" will disapprove of my writings... LOL).
 
i grew up in a conservative catholic country. where sex is a taboo and at the same time people my age does not give sex the respect it needed.
 
when i was 18 (the age where i started to open up my mind about everything in life i started to masturbate. at first i was curious and frustrated because i was still a virgin and i want to know what it feels like since i was already watching porn.)
 
i didnt like it the first time because i was sensitive and it hurts a bit. eventhough i only use a finger.
 
but i give it a try after a few days and i never stop since. at first i was surprise how good it felt even if i was only touching my self. i started to get curios and read a lot of stuff about masturbation in the internet...
 
i read in a book somewhere that there are three vital needs that a human being needs. air for breathing, food for nurishment and sex.
 
sex is a plesure we feel through our body. and through masturbation i view sex with more respect than ever before.
 
because i realize how much power i have by giving MYSELF pleasure. without the help of any man. i can control myself and can make better choices in sex. i mean if i feel the urge (because  i'm young and i have hormones). it would be better for me to do it myself than to just sleep around.
 
when i was doing random internet sex a few years ago, at first it feels nice. i was having low self esteem and seeing a man cum on the sight of my naked body turns me on.
 
but after we do it. he would either turn off his computer, say good bye and never talk to me again or just only talk to me when he only wants sex.
 
i feel used. i wanted more than just sex. i want intimacy. i want friendship. i want trust from that person.
 
but i felt shit. and it's only through online!!!
 
imaginie if it was real life!!! i would be devestated.
 
i know there are people out there that can have sex with anyone they want or have sex for enjoyment of it without the emotional attachments...
 
i don't have a problem with that. everybody is entitled to their own opinion.
 
all i know is that i'm not that type of person. i can't do that. i can't have sex with anyone even i have the attraction. i want the emotional connection...  
 
and so i stop doing that. i stop having random internet sex with strangers. i only do it with people i trust.
 
when i realize that i don't need a man to make myself feel better. i realize how masturbation help my self esteem. i feel sexy when i do it. becuase i'm doing it alone and for me alone. i pleasure myself. i don't do it for anyone else. only for me. and then i realize wow. i don't need anyone to make myself feel this good. (i could make myself cum 3 times in a good day. the maximum times i could make myself cum is 7. and that was mind-blowing-forget-your-own-name kind of orgasm.)
 
and so in a way masturbation help me with my self confidence. it made me realize. i am enough to make myself feel this good.
 
now don't get me wrong is till want to have sex with someone. i already expericence having sex with a connection with a person even it was only online. and it felt really great. i feel the love, the care and the trust with that person.
 
wouldn't that be wonderful if it was in real life?
 
but for now i would only do it in a way that still gives me so much pleasure...
 
doing it alone...
 
sex for me is important and no i'm not saving myself for marriage or anything. i would rather sleep with a person before i marry them. i want the sexual connection to be as strong as the vow i shared with him.
 
but don't get me wrong. i still want the pleasure from sex in some different ways.
 
i mean if given an oppurtunity i would do something sexually that  turns me on. like doing it with a girl. or with two guys. or with a girl and a guy. (i would definitely do it with dita von teese. if you dont know who she is google her!!! the hottest woman alive!!!).
 
so no i'm not saving myself for marriage. again the oppurtunity hasnt arrived yet. and don't get me wrong in the past there are instances that i almost did it. like with my first love. he only wants to be friends so we didnt do it. but he did not stop me when i kissed him on the mouth for a minute or so... LOL..
 
so no i'm not planning to be the virgin or wait for marriage or any shit like that...
 
nope... oppurtunity hasnt arrived yet...
 
so there ginegrsoul and javadewd... that's my point of view... :-)
 
 
 
 
keep on blogging!!!


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Comments

  • MissMimi said on Nov 02, 2009....
    queenie, this is a wonderful post.  It shows me that you have thought a lot about your values and what's important to you.  I think it shows a lot of wisdom and maturity that you've taken charge of your own sex life and pleasure.  I know that when the time is right, you will find someone you care for, and you will have an amazing time!

    You go, girl!
  • cuppajava said on Nov 02, 2009....
    Hi QP - i am not sure if i was supposed to reading this or not - call me curious - but I agree with MMI
  • wombat said on Nov 02, 2009....
    Well....no you don't need a man to make yourself feel better.  I admire your values and your ability to stick by them, especially in this day and age when young girls (younger than you even) have not figured out what you have.  I just wish I had been where you are mentally when I was your age!
  • travelr712 said on Nov 02, 2009....
    uh huh, i know the real reason you're still a virgin :-D
  • adultsextoys said on Nov 03, 2009....
    Adult Sex Toys - http://www.adult-sex-toys-vibrator.co.uk
  • queenparanoia said on Nov 03, 2009....

    missmimi: i was having second thoughts about posting this because you are one of my mommy here in soulcast. and yeah someday when the right time comes i know it would be worth it... ;-)

    cuppajava: hahahahahhahaha nothing wrong with being curious. :-) i started doing this because i was curious!

    wombat: the answer wombie is sex eduction. i guess i was educated through watching porn and reading about sex. i mean wouldnt be better if you know baout sex by watching it first than experincing without knowing about it... ;-)

    trav: :-P (and i'm really sticking out my tounge on you!!!)

    adult: hey thanks for the link... :-)

  • adultsextoys said on Nov 03, 2009....
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  • herbalcure30 said on Nov 03, 2009....
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  • dyingman said on Nov 03, 2009....
    I'll be interested to find out if you can dodge a broken heart.
    Even if you don't, I hope you can see good in your first intimate partner even if he messes up. 

    Hoping for a perfect match as a result of your patience made easy through your periodic libido removal ritual is laudable, but difficult.   Be willing to cut yourself some slack.  Love and hormones do tricky things.

    *DM
  • Mr.Strange said on Nov 03, 2009....
    I dated a "virgin" back when I was in my early 20's

    at the time I didn't truly enjoy it has she used the card to hold me in place and constantly test me.

    true story.

    were still friends and I believe she gave in at 25.  Sex is what you make of it.  If you have a personal decision to wait, and maintain that.  Make your partner very aware of said fact.

    Sex truly is not that big of a deal, it can be about emotional connection, it can be a little physical play in a physical realm.  It can be more it can be less.

    We do not get true understanding from reading things in a book, or watching it online.  To truly understand the act, one must participate in it.
  • nixha said on Nov 03, 2009....
    Hi QP, I want to say that I like your post and I admire how you are able to express your thoughts. I have just created a blog here and hopefully I'd be able to express myself too like you do.=)
  • queenparanoia said on Nov 03, 2009....

    dyingman: i'm not hoping for a perfect first time. but it would be nice if i do it with someone i really care about... ;-)

    mr.starnge: true, one must experince it to truly understand it but wouldn't be better that i have some common knowledge about it first? and besides i want a connection with someone emotional when doing it than just doing it for  physical enjoyment...

    nixha: well that's nice of you. just be honest about yourself that's the key here... :-)

  • Mr.Strange said on Nov 03, 2009....
    here's a question...

    are you ready for a full emotional connection?

    I see an advertisement, for you sexual side of things...

    We tend to find what we look for.
  • starchini said on Nov 03, 2009....

    May as well wait till marriage sense youve waited this long.  Ive always wanted my virignity back cause I always thought it would have been the single most amazing gift a wife could give to her husband.  A once in a life time honor.  Plus I think all men fantasize about taking the virginity of an innocent.

    You waited until you were 18 before you double clicked your mouse!?

    Wow, that is mind blowing to me.  I think I had my first orgasm when I was 5, that was cause I was rolling around on top of a basket ball.  At the time i didnt know it was an orgasm but I was determined to recreate the feeling until I finally realized what i was doing.  Yup, been masterbating sense I was 5. 

  • Voltaire said on Nov 03, 2009....
    Queenie,

    Great post.
    I can very much relate to it, but due to circumstances I didn't get the chance for mental side of things.
    Which I am aware of today but I couldn't for sake understand why I was so anti-social for a few years.
     I think I should post up on that, many could relate to this specific situation.

    I to am still virgin, but slightly younger, 19.
    I to would greatly prefer a connection with the person then just random sex.

    See you around,
    Voltaire


  • queenparanoia said on Nov 04, 2009....

    mrstrange: i already found the person... but not the oppurtunity... ;-)

    strachini: oh no... i won't marry anyone until i have sex with them... i mean what if we don't satisfy each other in bed and then get married???? it would be a big mistake. wow 5 years old... i salute you for that.. ;-)

    voltaire: wow i didnt know you are only 19. you know it would be better if you we wait and do it with someone with a connection than just do it. because i know it owuld be worth it.. ;-)

  • starchini said on Nov 04, 2009....

    Thats cool queenie, just an idea.  However I think sexual satisfaction can be taught and learned and developed.  Maybe your soulmate isnt that great in bed and thats the reason you left him.  But maybe he could have easily been given a few pointers and been amazing.  As much as I like sex I still wish id have waited for marriage...I think the only way two people can be totally dysfunctional in bed is when their sexual organs are not a match (rarely rarely happens) but ive heard two people can be practically incapable of sex due to a ginormous penis and a little bitty vagina and vice versa, even height can be an issue.  And that is when I side with you.  It would be horrible to find out on your wedding night that your husband has a girth the size of a baseball bat and you have a vagina the size of a pencil sharpener.  Good and bad to everything I guess.  : ) 

  • Voltaire said on Nov 04, 2009....
    Queenie,
    Most didn't know that. I agree, its worth the time.
  • MsBradford07 said on Nov 04, 2009....
    It is good to know that you know what you want and when that time come, you will be ready. Therre is nothing wrong with waiting until the time is right. I wish I did sometimes.
  • queenparanoia said on Nov 04, 2009....

    starchini: hehehehe yup it would be a problem if he has a monster cock!!!

    voltaire: :-)

    msbradford: well we can't undo the past but we can make better decisions in the future... :-)

  • MsBradford07 said on Nov 06, 2009....
    Thanks
  • the.food.critic said 13 days ago....
    You've made a good decision queenparanoia. I am a guy, and saying that losing your virginity only when you feel a deep emotional connection is something you would'nt expect to hear from me. But that is exactly what I am saying. Losing your virginity is either a drunk non decision at teenage, or a mature decision to do it when you feel a connection, knowing that whatever time in life that you look back at your first time, you won't have any regrets whatsoever.
  • queenparanoia said 13 days ago....
    the.ffod.critic: that's why i'm still a virgin... i dont want any regrets...
  • Mr.Strange said 12 days ago....
    well regrets are for the dead...

    lol

    I would say do as you see fit, please do not avoid things in the name of perfection.

    Love like all things takes practice.  the more you do it, and with the more people...again I'm talking love not sex...the better you get at it.

    I met a women who waited through 9 years of dating with her husband before they had sex.  9 years...lol...it was a very nice story, though...9 years!

    lol
  • queenparanoia said 12 days ago....
    mrstrange: i dont like regrets... that's why i want myfirst time with someone who's worth it... wow 9 years... i dont know if i could last that long though...
  • farizal said 11 days ago....
    U need to practice... go to the kitchen and look for something long... no... no.. not that broom....  something smaller.. yes.. cucumber will be fine... o.k go to your room... 
  • queenparanoia said 11 days ago....
    farizal: i always practice... LOL... :-)

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