Extra sadness for me yesterday, as if I need that. My little gerbil friend died overnight. I knew it wouldn't be too long, as she had had a stroke in spring, and her neurological problems kept worsening (indicating further strokes). I'm sure many people think I'm nuts (including my ex, who apparently got quite excited when telling her new/now-ex-girlfriend that I was "psycho" and had to be taken to the local hospital here well-known for getting seriously mentally ill patients), but I loved my little pet, and I cried and am still crying over losing her. But the good news, from my perspective, is that I finally went and bought the gun yesterday. Halle-fuckin-lujah. I can't have it for a few days, due to the handgun laws here, but that's okay. First of all, I'm not a gun lover by any means, and I wish in the big picture humans had never invented them. And I figure if you can't wait a couple of days while they make sure you're not a criminal, then you probably ought not have a gun at all. See, if anybody wanted to commit an impulsive act, it would be me, right? I mean, I am dead-set (no pun intended) on blowing my head off, and even I'm willing to wait a few days. Anyway, I wish I could post a photo of it here (although I don't know why) - but that might just screw up my anonymity, I suppose. If you - if there even is a "you" reading this, that is - are curious, you can find out about it by searching for a Bersa Thunder 380. I was convinced I wanted a 9mm, because that is a bit more powerful than a 380, and may be better at stopping a bad guy such as an intruder in your home. Oddly enough, though I don't have any desire to live, I'll be damned if I'm going to let somebody else kill me. But I really liked this gun both times I looked at it, and the price was right. Besides, if you use a 9mm the bullet might go clean through an intruder and hit something important behind him; a 380 is less likely to do that, and with "defensive rounds" loaded it should do the job. Either one would have worked for my planned use (as opposed to the unplanned use against an intruder), so why not get the one I liked? I guess some people, such as the psychiatrist, social worker, and 2 counselors I am seeing, will think this is BAD news. Which explains why I'm not going to tell them. If I'm asked, I won't lie, kind of like Bill Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, except that mine doesn't fuck anybody's life up. Besides, I bet they wouldn't ask me, "did you BUY a gun?" They'd ask "did you GET a gun?" Technically, so far the answer to that is "no." So I wouldn't be lying. I'm not going to go to the fucking hospital, no matter what they ask or I say, though. I have nobody to take care of my kids (remember, mine have 4 legs, and you cannot fuck with me on this issue), my Mom has an appointment this week, and besides my ex would just be too fucking happy about it. I won't give them my gun, either, like my wonderful and beloved therapist, J____ would have made me do. She was different. I promised her things, and I kept those promises. Even when I wanted to go buy the gun, I would hear her voice asking me to promise, and I'd stop. Too bad she wouldn't see me anymore. I sent her and the psych nurse the documents and goodbye letters, too. I'd gone back & forth on that for over 6 months, but it was time. Let's see who contacts me about it. Probably neither one. Shit. I forgot to call the social worker today and leave a message telling her I was "okay." Now she'll freak out and call me tomorrow morning to be sure I'm not dead. Not yet.