I am starting to think that my ability to love is lacking in some way. First of all, I don't want to say I love you to my boyfriend. I like him, but to say those words is too big for me. I wan't to say that when I really feel it, but I don't know if I ever will. There is only one person I have ever considered saying those words to, but that chapter is all over now.

Second of all, sometimes I imagine that my boyfriend would cheat on me or just end our relationship because he doesn't love me anymore. That way it wouldn't be my fault that this relation ended. But I know he won't do any of this. I just know that we can't be forever, because I will not be able to stay in a relationship for too long. I always make myself believe the opposite in the beginning, when everything is new and exciting.

It's too much for me being in a relationship. I can't love him as he love me. So it's always me that's the wrong piece. I screwed up when I was with the biggest crush in my life, by wanting someone else. But I have still not felt anything like that again. This time I don't long for someone else, I just want to be free. Free from all those things you have to feel and do when together with someone.

I don't know if I can love anyone really. I'm just fooled by my own feelings everytime I get a crush. After some time it's all gone.