Here's a typical scenario for me.. I'll use paddling as an example but it is the same regardless of the tool.. violent wand, flogger, hand, whatever..
The first swat..hurts. It hurts just like it always hurt before I discovered my masochistic side.. but after a few strikes. I feel like I toughen up, I start concentrating on the effect of the pain on my body rather than the pain itself. Often times there's some sexual stimulation added but sometimes the swat will be near my pussy or my tits and create its own stimulation. And in the case of direct stimulation applied to my pussy, I'll find it completely erotic and may even get off on it completely.
But,, if there is no sexual gratification associated with pain, then end up feeling abused and battered. Even though the treatment may have been the same as the day before with the sexual gratification.
My doubt increased more recently when visiting a BDSM club.
I was feeling beaten, neglected, pouty and tired. My ass hurt so bad I could not sit. People kept smiling at me as though I just won the lottery. I just fucking hurt. I couldn't figure out why I was supposed to be so happy. (It was my birthday and birthday spankings do take a new meaning when sadists are the ones doing the spanking.)
I kept looking around the break room seeing bruises, bite marks, tattoos, piercing, bondage, signs of the lifestyle. I wandered up and down the halls feeling odd.
I heard moans, screams, and cursing,, I walked past one room a man had clothes pins up and down his rock hard penis while his Domme scratched her long metal nails up and down his body. His face was clenched and he groaned in agony. In another room a woman was being fisted up to his elbow with a big Hitachi wand also stimulating her clit... She hadn't cum yet. I wondered how a girl so young could become so accustomed to so much stimulation that it would take more than that to get her off...
But then I saw a couple act out an abuse scene that almost reenacted the night I called the cops on my dad to protect my mom. My parents weren't playing. My mom ended up in the hospital with internal bleeding. My dad ended up in jail. My parents soon divorced after that I finally was able to stop hiding when I slept.
I wandered onto the patio of the club and I sat in the cold and listened to people talk. I heard tops describe their please at causing such distress in their bottoms. I heard bottoms comparing marks and bruises as though it were a competition.
I hid and tried to keep warm as I waited to leave. I'm a bit scared to go back.
Yet at the same time.. last night I was at a biker party. I had brought my pirate sword. It made of wood and coincidentally made a very nice paddle. I had a little fun teasing my friends about paddling their behinds. But when a top friend of mine slapped my ass a little harder than the usual play.. my core reaction was to stick my ass out further and try and get the good sting I knew he could deliver.
So I can't help wondering.. there seems to be a few elements of the issue
- Stingy pain can be stimulating
- I know that even though someone is consenting, it doesn't always mean that they are not being abused. - The abused wife returns time after time to husband. She'll defend him, protect him, and even take responsibility for his actions. If he said to her "I love you for taking this" then she'd take it.
- I don't understand the line between abuse and submission.
I think the obvious answer is that it depends on the relationship and the situation but if I'm having trouble knowing where my line is then how do you know all those other bottoms with the bruises and bite marks know their limits. How do I feel good about going to a club that promotes violence? Is it "Risk Aware and Consentual" or is it codependency to sadism?
Oh great, I tell myself. Get on your soapbox. Tell the world the evils of BDSM. But please spank my ass and tell me that you love me.
