Im anorexic...and bulimic. It took me 5 years to figure that one out. In fact even after I was diagnosed I still denied it. But I reckon thats the first step isn't it. Acceptance...well. Ive accepted! I am anorexic and when I do eat, I purge.And that is who I am so there!
Sometimes I think...hmmm maybe this isn't such a good idea. Like today for instance! Today something aweful happened, and like I suppose its not such a big deal, it's not like Im going to die or anything. But well, it's scary when what you've been doing for so long (5 years - Im 18, do the math) actually takes its toll.
I lost my back tooth.
This isn't the first physical effect I've had (I mean alot of stuff can happen in 5 years) but well this is the first effect thats effected my outwardly appearance. Ive thrown up blood, Ive passed out countless of times and well that all didn't seem to matter until now...
A voice in the back of my mind is saying (Lets call me Lucy) "Lucy, don't you think that all this shit that your doing to yourself is making you even uglier than you are?"
Well then there's another voice saying "Lucy you are so fat fat fat fat fat! You are a U.(ugly) F.(fat) O.(obese) and people can't bare to look at you! When people see you eat they think 'Hmmm she could do with one less of those apple bites' and when you try on clothes nothing fits. and why is that? Because your FAT and you don't deserve to eat! There are people who need the food way more than you do! Think of the children in Ethiopia"
and you know what...the sick thing is that when I do think of those children in Ethiopia...and Im jealous...
and I hate myself for thinking that...
so ja....those are my confessions for today. Other than I don't think Ill ever stop doing what I do because that second voice...is SOOO much louder than that first voice.
