I just keep fucking up in the same way.  Today I had goals - gas up the car, buy a few things I need, including dog food, go buy a gun, and then go to the psychiatrist and social worker.  I felt bad because I slept through the last appointment, which was at 1pm.
I slept through today's appointment.  It was at 4 pm. 
It's easier to sleep through the day than face it.
I called the social worker and was sobbing and felt like shit.  She wanted to call 911 to take me to the hospital, but I promised I'd call the crisis line and then leave her voice messages in 2 hours and over the weekend.  I did as I promised.
Then I went back to sleep, and woke up after the pet food store was closed.  At least I have enough until morning.
Tomorrow I will gas up the car, buy stuff including dog food, and go buy the fucking gun.
Once I have it, I will be relieved.  One less thing to do.  I have to write care instructions for the animals for the trustee and arrange for dog boarding and kitty sitter until the trustee is ready to take them.  I have to write letters to people I love, to tell them I'm sorry - especially my Mom.  I have to get my trailer ready for the trip to the place I feel is Home to my soul.  I'll probably clean up the house, ironically, because somebody will have to come get rid of all my shit before they can sell it.  If my fucking ex will ever sign it over to me.
I think I'll make a video for S____ once I'm very close to the destination, and mail it so she has to be the one to tell law enforcement where they can find me.  Or maybe I'll send her a note with a sealed letter to my Mom, and give her my Mom's address, telling her she MUST take the letter to my Mom in person.  She would bite, because she is dying to see my Mom.  Then she'd have to watch my Mom find out what happened to me.  That would be even better. 
I'd mail it right to her house, too, since she thinks she has so cleverly hidden her address from me.  What a fucking idiot.  Sends me a mortgage document with my own address in the return address spot, so as not to show hers - like it matters what return address is on there anyway - but fails to recall that she changed the address on our mortgage to hers, and it's right on the fucking document.  Not to mention on the account online, which I can access.
She's apparently convinced I would come to her house and hurt her or something, which I would never do.  Sure, in an angry moment I might wish I could beat the shit out of her or even kill her - who could blame me, after what she's done to me?  But believe it or not, I have strong core values, and I absolutely would never hurt another person like that.
I'm even going to go way out of my way to avoid hurting strangers in all this.  I'm going to go far enough on the trail that a hiker would be unlikely to be out there, and cover up with a tarp with a note on it warning people not to look under it unless they are law enforcement.  I don't want to hurt any other creatures, either, so I'm going to lie on my left side so the bullet will go directly into the ground and not accidentally hit some animal in the woods.  Plus, that will help contain the mess, so anyone who does happen upon it will be less likely to see what happened and be traumatized.
But I'm such a monster, aren't I , S____.  No, I'm not.  If I were, it would be you I'd kill, at least first.  Or I'd do it in front of you, at least.  No, I'm not even willing to hurt you that much.  I think what I am going to do might just make a lasting impression.  Maybe you'll learn from it.