Today was the funeral of a friend most dear to me.
He was the younger brother of my closest friend. I had known him since he was 5 years old. My first memory of him was of him giving me the finger and running away, me catching him, holding him upside down and shaking him for loose change. He grew to be a big, strapping young lad and soon, he was big enough to hold me upside down and shake me for loose change. However, he was an incredibly good sport about it and when he grew to adulthood, he became a very close friend of mine by his own right.
He suffered from a mental breakdown about six months ago and was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. His parents took exceptional care of him, but in the last six months, his condition gradually deteriorated. Sure, he'd have his good days and bad, but it soon became clear that the vibrant, young man that I once knew was no longer there. He just seemed listless, vacant most of the times. The medicines he was on made his head all foggy and cloudy. Soon, he took to walking everywhere. For hours at a time, all times into the day and night. He was even picked up by the cops a few times and driven home.
In retrospect, I realize that all that walking he was doing, he was really trying to get away from the monsters, but when the monsters are in your head, no matter how far you run, the monster is always on top of you.
I guess he told his therapist that he was having command hallucinations that were telling him to do himself in, but he told his therapist, "I'm not listening to those voices because I want to live."
Well, he finally succumbed to the voices and passed away of methanol poisoning last Saturday. It was four days after his 25th birthday.
Whether he drank the methanol during one of his delusional episodes, or whether he succumbed to the voices, or whether he had his only truly sane moment in months, no one knows. It hardly matters anyways. Anyone taken before their time is a tragedy. A parent shouldn't outlive their children, you know?
He was the youngest of three boys. He grew up with a lot of teasing and a lot of love. In a way, he was the best balanced one out of the three. The oldest was a bully of a sort, the middle one (my friend) was a black sheep in a lot of ways, a perennial underachiever. His youngest though, was the happiest, best adjusted one out of the group. Which was why it was doubly sad to see him deteriorate, than pass away. His parents were beset with grief. So were my parents. See, because my best mate and I've been friends for 20 years now, growing up, we got into a lot of trouble together, so his parents knew my parents pretty well. I went to his brother's wedding, he went to my sister's wedding, that type of thing.
Which was another reason why seeing that once healthy young man slowly losing the battle was so heart wrenching to witness.
The funeral was a simple affair, but there was a large turnout. I think baby brother would have been surprised to see so many of his friends dressed to the nines. Heck, I even wore a suit and tie. That's not something I do often. The fact that so many people turned up to the funeral proved that not only was he well liked, but indeed, loved.
His brother, my friend stood up and gave a beautiful eulogy. These were the words he spoke.
[I think that a proper measure of a man's character is the love and affection he inspires in his fellows, and at no other time is such a metric more reliable than someone who was dearly loved has fallen.
It's clear to me that I'm certain to everyone present today that J was loved by a great many people.
I'd rather not resort to anecdotes or memories of peculiar moments in time spent in his company to convey how much he meant to us, as it would in some way trivialize the totality of his life, what his life meant to him, what he lived for, and ultimately his final and heroic struggle with a condition that was truly monstrous.
I will say that J was the finest man I knew - undoubtedly a finer man than I am. A young man who was kindhearted to a fault, who was serious beyond his years but never grim, and who expressed a poet's intuition for life and the world as he experienced it that was also tempered by a remarkable serenity.
It's difficult to describe the loss of a brother, a friend, and a son without resorting to abstraction or sentimentality, so I'd like to honor J's memory on this day with the words of two men who were both in some very authentic sense men of J's own heart.
A great soldier, patriot, and theologian once said on the eve of war, "As long as you have not grasped that you have to die to grow, you are a troubled guest on the dark Earth."
It's difficult for any of us to find solace in the untimely passing of my brother, but we can derive comfort from the fact that J has joined God and is no longer a troubled or tortured guest on the dark Earth.
I'll close with a single remembrance that I think is important to convey. J excelled at comforting others through the strength of heartfelt gestures, and during a particularly grave hour, he gave to me his favorite book in which he had underlined the passages of most significance to him, and from that work the words of William Butler Yeates:
"Young man, lift up your russet brow, and lift your tender eyelids, maid, and brood on hopes and fear no more. And no more turn aside and brood on love's bitter mystery."]
After the funeral, we took his ashes to be interred, and as soon as the first shovel of dirt was put on the urn, his mom broke down in tears on my friend's shoulder. It was heartbreaking.
I chose to remember him the way he used to be, before the illness befell him. I'll always remember him as the warm, kind guy who had a laugh about everything.
His birthday was one day after mine. It's something I'll never forget.
He's at peace now, troubled no more. I do take some solace in that, though I'd much rather have him back.
Sleep the long sleep, baby brother. I know you'll be a powerful advocate on your family's behalf across the river.
Thanks for dropping in.
Sorry my update's such a bummer.
-Grape-
GrapeKoolaid posted on Oct 30, 2009
| views: 256
Comments
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wombat said on Oct 30, 2009....
.....and sorry my click on is the first maybe as I'm just here, but I got taken aback, as they would say in my home town. I am so sorry to read about this. Life just stinks sometimes and we can't do a damn thing about it.
It is like what I have been going through with my sister. She took that path with not eating for weeks, and ended up being hospitialized. Before that, she had walked the town over much like this. She walked everywhere, to the library etc...and we just thought it was a quirk. And our mother is still alive, with Alzerheimers, but still functioning at home alone. Who'd have thunk it?
We just have to keep carrying on, hunching up our shoulders and doing what we can. We can't rule the paths other's take, we can only glance over and say that we care if you are not along side us and still moving. It's no one's fault who is not walking that same path.
Hugs
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fragglesrock said on Oct 30, 2009....
I can only offer my sympathy...
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uniquely-ironic said on Oct 30, 2009....
I'm sorry to hear of your friend's passing. It's so hard to let go of them. Small comfort that they're at peace. I hope time will make his loss easier for you and his family to bear. -
simplyconfused said on Oct 30, 2009....
I have never experienced the loss of somebody I was close with. I have no idea what it feels like, but I can offer a squishy hug *SQUISHY HUGZ* I hope that time truly does heal, and that things will get easier for you. He sounded like such a great man, and your lucky to have known him. -
woman said on Oct 30, 2009....
Such a sad and yet beautiful post Grape. I'm sorry for your loss. woman -
GrapeKoolaid said on Oct 30, 2009....
wombie: Thank you so much for your kind words. Everyone that knew J wishes they could have done more. Not because anyone in particular failed him, but because he was so loved.
Sorry to hear about your sister. You have my deepest condolences.
fraggles: Thank you. He was a great friend.
uni: Thank you. You know, the thing is, his passing was probably the best result for the worst possible situation. His organs failed at the hospital and he went into a coma. His brain was quite swollen, too. With very little neural activity and no response from the optic nerves. Even if he had made it, he would have suffered from brain damage, that is if he ever woke up from the coma. Another 50+ years of taking care of him would not have been a life I envy neither for him, nor his family.
It's still a shame. 25 is the age at which you should own the world, you know?
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GrapeKoolaid said on Oct 30, 2009....
simply: Indeed I am incredibly fortunate to have known him. My life was greatly enriched by his presence.
Thanks for the hugz. :)
Lady: Thank you. I thought my friend's eulogy was just perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself.
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MissMimi said on Oct 30, 2009....
GrapeApe, my friend, this is unbearably sad. My deepest sympathies on the passing of your friend. I wish I had better words of comfort. I'm so sorry to hear this.
You've written a very loving and beautiful tribute to your friend.
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Hegemone said on Oct 30, 2009....
Grape, it's very late and I'm not in the proper state of mind to read and respond to this, so out of respect so I don't say something entirely stupid or disrespectful, I'm going to have to come back tomorrow, but I wanted you to know that I was here. (((((HUGS))))) -
GrapeKoolaid said on Oct 31, 2009....
MissMimsy: Innit though? Thanks so much for your words of comfort. You don't need better words. Just the fact that you dropped me a note means much to me. :)
Hege: You don't have to worry about protocol and being proper with me. You're always welcome on my blog, so come on back whenever you wish. :)
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scipio said on Oct 31, 2009....
My condolences. Excellently written post and with feelings straigtht from the heart. -
beyondtheveil said on Oct 31, 2009....
You may know I'm familiar with his disease, familiar with the suffering they incur and the feelings and helplessness of those around the loved one.
Always so many questions, always so much doubt, and especially sad when a young life is taken when it did not need to be.
A life cut short cuts deeply. What could have been is as sad as what has been.
My thoughts are with you.
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Me-Myself&I said on Oct 31, 2009....
i am sorry you loss someone so dear to you. i can feel that your post.... was written with love.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend's family.
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Hegemone said on Oct 31, 2009....
Well Grape, I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, he does sound like he was quite a wonderful man, touching many lives and influencing much more than he even probably realized. That was a beautiful eulogy, with such respect towards your friend and how he lived. I think the quote on suffering on this dark earth was very fitting, as it seemed he did have quite a rough battle with the schizophrenia. I've witnessed that illness myself and I know that can make for quite a troubled soul. While he's no longer walking among us, he is now walking along freely and comfortably and that must bring a lot of relief to those who knew how he suffered. My thoughts are certainly with you and yours here. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))) -
MsBradford07 said on Oct 31, 2009....
I am so sorry to hear. I will keep your friend's family in my thought. -
ABOVE_TOP_SECRET said on Oct 31, 2009....
This was a very sad story of course. The memories will stay with you forever. -
HoleInTheCosmos said on Oct 31, 2009....
Sorry for your loss. -
travelr712 said on Oct 31, 2009....
sorry for your loss grape -
mixednuts said on Oct 31, 2009....
I am so very sorry!RIP. -
preacher314 said on Oct 31, 2009....
GOD BLESS YOU AND I WILL REMEMBER YOU AND YOUR FRIEND'S FAMILY IN MY PRAYERS.
GOD BE WITH YOU -
queenparanoia said on Nov 01, 2009....
i'm sorry about your loss...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Alyss said on Nov 01, 2009....
I am sorry for the loss of your friend and hope that his family and you are able to remember the happy memories of him.
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Lucytorial said on Nov 01, 2009....
Sincerest condolences Grape - death is always a surprise, difficult, sad, in it though we learn the value of life, our own and those with whom we have had the greatest of gifts of knowing. -
GrapeKoolaid said on Nov 02, 2009....
Thank you everyone.
I think it's important to keep his memory alive as the guy that I knew before the illness overtook him. He was a good friend to me.
I'm going to visit his grave tomorrow, I think.
It's not how he died, but how he lived is more important.
Thanks again for the good thoughts. I appreciate it. I'm sure my friend and his family does, too.
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PAPERBACKWRITER said on Nov 03, 2009....
[prays for the soul of the departed]
♥
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truthsayer said on Nov 04, 2009....
Dear Grape:
This is blog is like eulogy. Both you and his brother, your friend, offer us a beautiful snapshot of this young man. I feel your pain, and his brother's pain. I wept. Thank you for sharing this with us and honoring the vibrant and influential life this young man led.
Bless you Grape.
I'll keep you, your friend and your families, in my prayers.
Love and comfort,
Truthsayer
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ABOVE_TOP_SECRET said on Nov 04, 2009....
RIP!
Comment on "A Funeral of a Friend..."
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