wow. I'm new to this..I'm not sure how this is going to work, but i'm going to give it a try. hmm.. where to i start? I'm a 23 year old male living in Connecticut..i've been through some tough phases in life, where now I'm lost, dazed, and confused. i lived with a alcoholic/drug dealer father and the sweetest mother who was a sucker for love. 1 deceased brother who was killed in 2000, and another who's alive but is a fuck up. my parents were both arrested when i was 14 and my brother took responsibility afterwards, but it went downhill. we lost everything house, cars, money even eachother.. i moved in with a friend, so i could finish up high school. but during the years i lived there. i got depressed, sad, and angry of what happened. i wanted to live a happy life; like everyone else. smiling. wanted to be in love. i envy people who are happy, and have a family. i want to be them. i look at myself and i see shame. why? because i don't see a future. i don't go to college like the rest of them do, or graduated and have a great job career. i live in a lie. i lie so much that it comes to a point where i believe it! i lie because people are soo freakin judgmental and i want to look presentable. i lied about going to school, lie about my family past. i lie to my roomate, my g/f thinks i go to school, but fuck i haven't enrolled in school since 4 years ago. i lied to the people that actually are there and trying to help, i feel like if i do tell them the truth now, i will loose them. they wouldn't understand. there snobby, yuppy people from fairfield county. i'm scared. i feel guilty about everything and at the same time i'm angry. i lived in broken promises, friends who i thought were my friends, but backstabbers. we all know that. my friends did mean the world to me because it's all i had/have. i don't trust anyone because i'm scared of getting hurt again. I want people to feel my pain, go threw what i did. i say that becasue i feel like people aren't thankful of what they have. love, family, etc. anyway. i am depressed for quite a while, more now. i lost my job, my car, myself. i've been drinking, smoking, blowing coke for the last 3-4 days now. I'm lost. i feel like i lost myself. i've been thinking about death. i don't see a bright future ahead..its taken a toll. i want to bve back to my normal self. minus the lie's..i'm a very outgoing kid. who loves to be around people and make people smile and laugh.. i don't know. i hope this blog shit works. it be cool of someone would write back..i hope you all live life to your fullest. regardless of whats going on.