I would really like to close my eyes and not be scared, This disease is tearing me apart, from the inside outwards, Which the worst thing about it is that, NO-one can see,
I feel like a monster, I sit awake at night when i can't sleep and think over and over about how i feel, what ishould do, how to move forward,
And on no occasion do i become any closer.
One thing that struck me this week though was my little brother (who by the way is 6)
He suffer's with ADHD and asperger's syndrome which is a form ot autism. About 3 weeks ago Daniel who normally loves to be with me and me picking him up from school etc, went very funny with me told me that he didn't like me anymore, Why do i always have to pick him up, He doesn't want me and so which although i know he didnt mean still hurt me.
So this week his mum (Selina) I spoke to him about it whilest they were playing and he told her the reason he didn't like me at the moment was because i was acting differently and not doing things like i used to with him, such as taking him out and playing lego with etc, So although he said absolutely nothing to me about it himself, He must have noticed instantly when my behaviour became worse as he started playing up the day after i went in to hospital after a sucide attempt.
I don't want to hurt him or anyone else, and if there was a way for me to die with out inflicting pain on anyone else i would do it, But i am aware that there is not, but no one is always here, whatever people say, You have to also rely upon yourself and i can not do that at the moment. I am a failure, in most things that i do.
I just feel like i have accomplished very little in my life, but the thing that is getting to me at the moment is having children, i'm having some physical problems at the moment as well, and i don't want to get in to, to much detail but i am becoming increasing scared that it is never going to happen for me. I also know why i am wanting a child as well, but i dont want to do it on my own, but no man ever seems quite right and if on the rare occasion that he does, he is gone after not much time, i remember my second serious boyfriend, i convinced him to go and meet his daugther who he had never meet and she was nearly a year old. After he meet her he really loved her and was unsure wheater to move and live closer to her, so i asked him what where his reasons for staying here and the only reason he had was for me and i told him to leave, and i wounder if i made a mistake he has since had another child with the same woman and there are engaged!
What is going on in my brain? I'm so confused!!! HELP
