As if it's not bad enough, let's just throw a new wrench into the works. Sunday afternoon, somebody starts ringing my doorbell and knocking at the door, very persistent. I ignore it - who the fuck is this? If they know me they can call me, not just show up on my doorstep. But they won't go away, so finally I look out and see a total stranger. I crack the door open, and she says she's S___'s ex-girlfriend. I could have puked. I said, well, that was fast. So she tells me things aren't adding up in some of the ways S___ acted, and she would like to ask me some questions. I am a fucking idiot. At least I got a little vindication; S___ represents me as a total monster, and that was all this person knew of me. 3 long conversations later, she knows it's not the truth. And I know at least my cats are alive, but the older 2 sisters are starting to have problems; they are 13 years old now. I also "controlled" my ex, based on what she herself told me (in her ice cold, protective shell way) 5 months after she ditched me. But expressed more clearly by this woman on my porch, I can see what happened, and though I did not really "control" her, I know that sometimes I may have been too insistent or something. Especially in the last year or so, when I felt like she wasn't even there, and I could never get her to do anything at all. Ultimately, this makes me so sick at myself. My vows during our commitment ceremony, which I wrote myself, literally were about being equal partners, sharing support and love. I hate myself for not being that person in reality. I will not be my father, even subtly, I swear. And yet I was. I can't even come up with words to describe my self-hatred. And on top of that, I just know I will never see my babies again. I can't live with this. It was hard enough to feel the loss of the love of my life, all my future dashed to pieces, dragged through the insults and allegations made by her attorney, being unable to work and having no money, since she took it all, having to find my mother a place to live that would accept public assistance, because my ex had sworn that if my mom moved here we would be able to help financially - forget that, she actually included a $10,000 debt that she said we had "loaned" my mom in our settlement, and made the debt be entirely owed to me. She LOVED my mom so much, yadda yadda. She fucking let my mom get evicted. I hate every day of my life. Every night I just say "I don't want another day." I'm going to the gun store tomorrow.