So I sort of figured something out last night.  I’m a fricken’ yo-yo.  This shit with my husband’s truck is really taking a toll I guess, purely because we’re so crunched for money as it is.  I go from one moment to feeling triumphant and positive that we will figure this out and it’ll be OK to the next moment where I’m all stressed, cranky, and panicked trying to figure out how we’re going to be OK and still have enough to afford our bills when he’s out of a job.  I mean, it’s happening whether we like it or not, so why bother flipping out about it … but at the same time … why does this have to happen NOW? 

Yes, I’m fighting any negative, poor feelings, but I’m not perfect so yeah I’m gonna go up and down, back and forth.  See, I also figured out that I’m not just the plain ‘ol up and down yo-yo, I must be the yo-yo that the kid gets pissed off at and just swings and flings it every which way because they’re either out of practice, or just don’t know what the hell they’re doing to begin with.

We’re looking at $800 minimum to fix just the motor he’s got that he could put in it.  Neither of us is certain that the truck is even worth it.  That price comes from a close friend who knows his shit, we trust him a lot, and he knows we’re not made of money and he knows we may not be able to come up with it all at once.  He said he’d rather quote us $600, but he doesn’t want us to get shocked by a higher price if it comes to that.  If the damn thing needs machine work, it could be as much as $1200.

On the flip side, for that much, we could almost go out and just get him another vehicle.  But, with that also comes the price of licensing and insurance startup.  Oh, and also with a new/used vehicle, you never know what problems that thing has that it may come up with.  At least we know about the truck, all of its issues and whatnot.  But, there again, the truck just may be getting to its last legs and it may be getting beyond repair or maintenance.  I guess I’m really leery about thinking of getting a new/used vehicle because the last one we got crapped out after two months.  We sunk something to the effect of $1400 into that thing, including cost of purchase, maintenance/repairs, license and insurance.

Then there’s another dynamic that’s got my head spinning, but I’m spinning in a corner.  My uncle has a car that he’s selling.  He offered it to my husband first, but my husband said he wasn’t interested at the time.  Then with recent family events I’ve been trying to keep everything cut off.  I really don’t want anything to do with my family, and I don’t want them having any claim to saying they did me any favors.  I mean, if I knew that they could do things out of the goodness of their heart and not hold it over my head or make me feel like I owe them that might be one thing.  I just have a feeling that even after we pay my uncle and are settled that it’ll still drag into a ‘Well you were in a really tough spot and I helped you out, and I could have held out for more money.’ even though that may not be the truth.  I know my dad will throw that one at me eventually.

At the same time, we may not have much of a choice, depending on how much more life we get out of my husband’s truck.  I just don’t know which way will be best, and which way will screw us financially the least.  I mean, it is a great possibility that my uncle will be understanding and let us give him the money a little at a time, or rather, half now, half later.  But then, for the above mentioned reasons, I don’t know that I want to get involved in that.

Then I’ve also got these other feelings, that completely don’t matter now, but I can’t help it.  My husband needs to key it down with the way he drives.  I mean, he is not very good at trying to drive a vehicle in such a way to take care of it.  He is careful with my car, but only because he knows I’ll rip into his ass if he drives it like a dumbass.  With his truck or his parents’ vehicles, it’s like they’re there for him to tear up.  I will grant him that he used to be a whole lot worse.  However, he needs to quit getting mad and ripping the shit out of vehicles.  He’s great for doing that one, deciding he’s pissed at something his truck is doing, and driving the piss out of it until he gets wherever he’s going.  I can’t help but feel he could have at least prolonged this particular worry, not so much that we wouldn’t have had to deal with it, but in the way that maybe we could have gotten a little more time out of the truck.

Then I also know, sometimes this shit happens no matter how great you take care of a vehicle.  So, I have not chewed him out about this.  I chose to bring it up in a more subtle way, by telling that I know he tries really hard to be careful, but that he especially needs to be really careful to extend the life of his truck as long as possible, and that also will carry over to a new motor or a new vehicle.  He’s going to have to settle his driving down, even though it’ll be hard not to drive 85 mph when he and his work buddies are leaving work.  I think it did actually get through; it’s hard to explain why though.  You’d have to know his tones of voice and facial expressions.  He didn’t get all sour and down, but it was like he knew and hated to have to admit it, you know?  I felt bad for him, but it needed to be said.

So, I guess bare with me until we figure all of this out, because I’m gonna be up and down and I know it.  I do have to say one thing, this time last year I would not have been up and down … I’d have just been down.  So to me, that is a lot of improvement.  Also, I do recognize that there’s no sense in staying down, or letting all that negative shit build up, and instead of just wallowing in it, once I do catch myself, I try to get out of it.  I simply stop the conversation, or I do something to relax for a few minutes, I don’t just fuel the emotion, I dispel it.  I’ll get there, and we’ll get this figured out, but I also know it’s going to be a rocky road for a little bit and I might just need to vent occasionally so I can kick those rocks out of my way.