Turners Falls

 

On braonwandering.wordpress.com I've just written about a birth that took place 30 years ago. Now I come to soulcast to write about deaths.

 

There has been a rash of suicides in my life over the last 10 years:

                    My father in 1999

                    his brother, also in 1999

                    my housemate in 2003 (I don't believe it was listed as a

                                  suicide by the police, but I've always had my

                                  niggling feeling about it)

                    my daughter's father in 2009

 

It's become true in my existence over the last ten years that relatives kill themselves. And then there's me. Wanting to end the way I've had to exist since my whole world was taken away, and unable to do it. Envying these others who could do it, who could end their misery and do what I haven't been able to do.

 

And why can't I do it  -- that's the thing that nags at me so much. Why can't I? I've hated every day I've had to keep breathing since March 12 2008, when my animals and my home and my whole world were taken from me. I always hate the present moment, I can't abide even the thought of next week, let alone next month. The word future is terrifying and ugly to me. So why can't I do it?