• uniquely-ironic said on Oct 27, 2009....

  It's hard to watch your baby cry.  Even if you know it's over nothing more than them wanting to control you or hubby.  I think with first babies it's worse.  I mean, there is no one else to compete for your attention.  I don't think you're a bad mom and that Remy is a bad baby.  I do think you need to start making him wait for attention when he's not hungry, needs a new diaper or tired.  Not for a long time, but long enough so that gradually he learns to entertain himself.  I know you probably don't want to hear it, but if you don't start now, his going to school will be traumatic for everyone.

• Hegemone said on Oct 27, 2009....

  Just passing through Star.  I haven't got children of my own, so I have nothing to offer, but I hope you do find a solution to this pickle you've found yourself in so you don't have to worry over it too long.

• CreativeWoman said on Oct 27, 2009....

  I've got nothing to offer except from a babysitter standpoint.  I used to watch my niece and nephew all the time when they were little.  They would fuss when their parents left, but would calm down later with some distraction and playing.  I would think that Remy will settle down the more time he spends with your MIL.  They have to get used to each other without you there.  Maybe send along a few of his favorite toys next time.
  
  I'm sure the Mom's here will have some better advice for you.  :-)
  
  CW
  

• sweetsoul said on Oct 27, 2009....

  Whether you want to believe it or not, your mother is right. If you don't let him get used to others looking after him, he'll be spoiled.  He's crying because he misses you. Makes sense because you're the only person he knows looking after him. (I'm using you as an example, but it applies to your husband as well, just from what I understand, you're the primary caregiver so I'm referring to you.)
   
  The longer it takes for you to let others look after him and the less frequently you do it, the harder it will be for Remy to adjust to it. Not saying you need to leave him with someone else for a week, but a couple of hours or an afternoon very so often, won't hurt. In addition, much as he's your life right now, you need time for yourself and for you and your husband. That's not neglect - it's balance.
   
  So sorry but I agree with your Mom. She's not saying you're a bad Mom and she's not saying you should let him scream.
   
  When I was in high school I used to babysit a lot. There was one little guy I babysat a lot. Every time his Mom left, he cried bloody murder and she felt terrible. What I had to keep telling her was that 15 minutes after she was gone he was fine.
   
  It's just one of those things a child needs to learn...he can't have his Mom 24/7. Your Mom knows it's easier to teach when they're young. That's all I heard her saying.
   
  And I do have children...adult ones, with kids of their own...so I'm not just talking without any experience.

• travelr712 said on Oct 28, 2009....

  let me ask you a question star, how do people usually turn out when their every whim is indulged?

  you have to let children cry sometimes, just to show them it doesn't get them everything they want. no one should have that, including children. you are displaying a common trait of first time mothers, overindulgance. the way out is to not do what you feel, but what you know is right.

• starchini said on Oct 28, 2009....

  Uni, I agree with you, but numerous parenting articles and Dr. Spock books say that infancy is primarily about establishing a bond with the infant and getting him to fully trust you.  Crying is the only way for him to communicate with me and by ignoring him im breaking the trust he has in me to fix what is wrong.  Im worried about him losing his trust in me.  But I agree a little crying if everything is ok is fine.

  Thank you hege, to be honest im not too worried about it.  Im flattered that im his favorite : )

  CW its kinda funny, hes not fussy when I leave or even a while after, he usually gets pissed around night time. 

  Sweetsoul, I socialize him quite frequently.  He doesnt have an issue being babysat during the day, its only night time that gives him problems when hes away from me.  The post was about my MIL.  Ive got it arranged with my mom to keep him over night once a week.  She insisted after the first time he through a tantrum about me not being there.  I drove 20 miles back home at high speeds after she called and I could here my baby howling in the background "he just wont stop crying, I dont know what else to do, you need to come back".  So sense then hes been seeing lots of different people quite regularly.  If I let babysitters take him anymore than I do itll just be too much.  In reference to your babysitting experience, he totally cool with watching me leave, does just great for hours without me but when dinner time rolls around its like hes saying "alright, this has been fun but where the hell is my mom?!".   And my mother in law, she doesnt come around often.  She lives 30 miles away and I cant hardly come up with a reason to drop remi off with her so she rarely babysits and she only comes to visit me when she has something else to do in town and even then its only an hour max.  She doesnt put forth any effort and acts like visiting her grandson is only something to do when there is nothing else to do.  She actually called me when she was in the area and wed planned on her watching remi while I ran a few errands, she called and wanted to know the exact time I was ready to leave.  That way she didnt come too early.  It was like she was trying to see how little time she could be at my house, she didnt even wanna watch me put my shoes on.  That woman just irritates me...Anywhoo, your right, Remi needs to get used to other people, but I cant make him, im doing what I can to support his transistion.  But my MIL is wrong, me loving my baby and making him smile as much as possible is not why no one will want to baby sit him. 

  Idk Trav, I turned out just fine : P  I think I might be a wee bit misleading.  Remington does cry, I let him whine a little in his bouncer while im cleaning the kitchen.  But most of the time I hold him while I do dishes.  He prefers it.  But he cries.  I just dont let him cry hard, or for very long.  Have you ever seen an adorable babies face turn red and his bottom lip quiver and hold his arms out for you and have tears rolling down his cheeks?  Its heart breaking and I cant ignore that. And my Remington doesnt have much in the way of "inbetween".  He is either holing like I just described, being a little bit fussy, or totally happy.  I only let him be a little fussy, thats usually just whimpers and "aahs".  But he doesnt "cry a little"...He can blow my eardrums out if I dont pick him up...I like your last statement, that totally sums me up, im very methodical and use logic.  Ive always only ever trusted my head and not my heart...saying that, I can assure you that im doing it right with my baby. 

  To everyone whos giving me crap about not letting my baby cry:

  Picture yourself as a little baby.  Think about being in a jumper.  Your fine your bouncing up and down, this is cool for a few minutes, you were just fed, burped, and have new underpants on.  Your liking the cool tingle of a freshly powdered butt.  Its nice.  Then your mommy puts your pacifier in your mouth and turns her back to you.  You think "what is she doing over there?",  "I wanna see!".  She turns back around and tells you "its ok, im just putting these papers in the filing cabinet, your ok, ooooo look at that rattle!".  You keep bouncing, accepting the fact that your mom is busy for a min.  Crap, your legs are getting tired, youve been bouncing for a whole 3 minutes.  Up, down, up, down.  Im gonna have knee problems before im 12 months.  Ill satop bouncing for a minute and spin this rattle.  Cool its goes round and round and a little mirror inside spins.  Damn, this seat is squashing my balls....Guh, how much longer do I have to be in here, its been like a whole 5 minutes now.  My legs are tired and my balls hurt damnit "WAHHHHHHHH"....

  And all the time he cries the parent thinks "hes fed and clean and burped, nothing could possibly be wrong, he is just spoiled" as you ignore him and continue about your business...

  Well, I dont want my babies legs to be tired or for him to have sore balls...so if that makes me an over indulgent bad parent, im ok with that. 

  P.S.  I can alter this story for a bouncer or any other child entertainment system...and im not being confrontational or wanting to argue.  I appreciate everyones opinions I just wanted to give you a little insight into the way that I think and how I try to put myself in my babies shoes and Yea, I think babies should be held, a lot.  If I was a baby id be bored outta my mind with a ton of different things to complain about so even if I know that his basic needs have been met im not content to let him entertain himself bc there is only so much fun to be had by spinning a rattle or touching a soft toy.  He cant walk, talk, or move around much and there are a zillion and one things that could be bugging him that no one above the age of 6 months could possibly understand.  ...so thats how i see it...So im totally cool being his little bitch and giving in to his every whim.  He wont be this little for long and im gonna miss seeing things the way that he does.  So im ok with spending hours dragging him along the floor so that he can grab whatever he finds interesting at that second.  Im ok with mastering the art of doing everything with one hand...I love him and I want him to be the happiest little booger ever alive...Plus, I trust him.  I simply do not think babies cry for no reason.  Colic is a reason.  But I also dont think babies who dont have colic cry for no reason.  There is always a reason.  ......  I  think so anyways...

  But, I assure you all I do let Remington cry a fair amount.  Sometimes if I need the kitchen to be cleaned im ok with him being bored...

   

• uniquely-ironic said on Oct 28, 2009....

  Star, by now you guys have bonded.  Trust me.  Crying is not the only way he knows to communicate now.  Cooing, smiling, and I'd imagine he's starting to laugh and shriek.  Even body movements communicate.  Challenge him a little bit so that he begins to use these other tools in his arsenal of communications. 

• starchini said on Oct 28, 2009....

  Well yes your right but those other ways of communications arnt alarming to me.  I dont question why hes smiling (its cuz im hilarious) : P...I try to challenge him everyday.  I let him roll off of my belly and "fall" into my arms beside me.  He thinks thats funny.  I also hold him by his hips and let him "crawl" around on the floor.  I just dont let him lay on the ground with his face smashed in the carpet screaming for help.  Like his daddy does....  : /  ...I know this helps him learn too, but its stressful.  I just prefer getting him to learn on his own and not forcing him to do it.  Id be pretty pissed off if I was imobile and someone just plopped me on the floor on my belly, I can only hold my head up for so long.  Sorry about the tangent, it was more directed towards Phil than you.  We have very difference pov when it comes to how to teach.  Im more hands on and patient.  Phil is a sink or swim kinda teacher.  And thats why Remington has rug burn on the tip of his knows when daddy "plays" with him.  ": P  ahh, im not mad I swear.  Im just shaking my head... Thanks uni for listening to my rant. 

• destinydiva said on Oct 28, 2009....

  star I'm being totally honest because I care about you, but I have to say, my friend was exactly exactly exactly! the same as you when her only son was born 3 years ago, I even remember a conversation pretty much the same as your post when she had left him with her mother in law.. and I swear she totally regrets it now, I love my friend and her son  but star, between you and me he isnt a very nice little boy, as  trav said above me.. how do people turn out when their every whim is indulged? not very pleasant .. and my friend struggles with meal times and getting him to nursery and bedtimes, i swear her whole life is completly controlled by a 3 year old boy.. 
  
  I know as well, because for the first 5 years of her life, my eldest daughter and me lived with my parents so she was very spoilt, and I am paying the price now as she is a teenager because she can be a complete madam when she isnt getting her own way, I have learnt and tried to fix it and she is starting to grasp that she cant always ave whatever she wants. and made sure my two younger ones aren't spoilt, well they are a little :-)  but not extreme.  not because I love them any less but because I have witnessed first hand the effects spoiling them
  
  hope I havnt upset you or offended you, your love for your son is beautiful to see, just be careful you not creating a monster, a child can never have too much love star, but it can have too much getting its own way.
  
  
  ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
  
  well you probley hate me by now but I promise I mean well, I'm sorry xx
  
  xxxxxxxx
  

• starchini said on Oct 28, 2009....

  Oh des your fine.  Remember though, hes only 5 months old.  I mean, you cant really spoil a 5 month old, not rotten anyway.  Of course im not gonna spoil him to much when hes old enough to know what is going on.  But hes just a little baby.  He doesnt know any better, not yet anyway.  In fact I think using the word spoil for him is wrong.  He just isnt used to things being done differently than I do things. 

   He thinks mom's way is the right way (and it is : P).  But for cryin out loud the kid can barely role over, he thinks my puppy lil is a stuffed toy.  When he gets a better understanding of things it will be different.  I just wanna make sure to build a solid foundation and plant seeds of love and respect so they can flourish with the seasons. 

  As much as I adore everyone who comments and listens (and I do, truly truly do)...when it comes down to it.  I trust Dr. Spock over everyone else.  And he says im doing it right.  So im not too worried.  I mostly just wish there was a chapter on how to rally all the caregivers and get them to treat Remi the same way that I do.  All my babysitters have bad knees though : <

  : P 

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