My wife isn't going to be available for Reformation Eve, er, Saint Hallow's Eve, so she's cashing in her chocolate card early. No PMS to speak of, not even PMA (positive mental attitude), so this nefarious chocolate habit she mysteriously realized was not going to play well in my favor. In fact, I think I've personally woofed down two of the three bags myself. This could be due to the fact that I simply don't like small-packaged M&M's and Rolo's as much as my wife does.
During the process of consuming my wife's guilty habit like a moral slug, I have also fallen into the same habit that she does as far as flipping my wrappers on to the floor. The tiny Reeses cup ones in particular. It certainly adds some festive orange and black to my wife's "nesting" area surrounding the couch in the living room. I should be so happy that we have bare floors and that these wrappers aren't polluting the carpet. We also haven't had any influx of six to eight legged creatures invading the area with the cold settling in outside.
All was well and good until my wife forgot to feed her chihuahuas yesterday. We woke up this morning to see that at least one of her self-proclaimed "cute little puppies" had woofed down the equivalent of half a bag of empty wrappers off the floor. We honestly didn't know what to do, so I googled... Yes, I googled... And once we were assured that all was right in the kingdom, we started to joke about it.
There are some advantages to dogs eating aluminum candy wrappers.
- For one, they shit tinsel.
- Second, you can pick up their turds with a magnet.
- Third, our three-pack of vicious dogs can now sneak up on alien invaders and most left-wing moon bats, especially if they walk up to them backwards, thanks to the aluminum foil shielding in their asses.
- Fourth, after moments of happiness, the smarter one can shit origami... Especially small decoys of itself for the dog catcher and to put the fear of God in the squirrels who have recently invaded our neighborhood by the dozens.
- Fifth, in certain situations I can use their assholes to reflect light, which is momentarily scarce in our house thanks to the fact that we're still doing renovations and there aren't any lights in the laundry room at the moment.
- Sixth, the smallest one farts a solid piece, jumps off the couch and does her rendition of "balloon boy," to which we hope we can borrow a camcorder soon so that we can submit this to "America's Funniest Home Videos" because we are still rolling in the floor laughing our fool heads off over that stunt.
I'll add more as things continue to develop. Hell, I might call "CNN" just to get a fact check...
