I look at my oldest son who is 5, and wonder what he is thinking about. Just a little sliver of info. would be nice. I wonder if I am doing a good job being a mother to him. Am I being too strict? Am I raising my voice too much? What does he really think of me? I guess all those questions won't be answered until far down the road, when he is an adult. Will he tell me he looks back at his childhood with great fondness or will he say that he is messed up because of the decisions I made?

 

We used to be very close. Going to the library, walking hand in hand, whether rain or shine, he was my constant companion as my husband was constantly traveling for work. Museums, zoos, just a nice walk around the block-whatever it was, every day was a great day with my son. I knew he loved me so much from the way he grasped my hand so tight, the way he hugged me, and the way he looked into my eyes. Then, my second son was born and he started kindergarten, and all that changed. He started to withdraw from me. I know its normal for the first child to feel ignored when 2nd is born. I tried my hardest to spend as much time with him with the 2nd around, but things change. I feel I lost a part of him that I can't ever get back.