• aeschylus said on Sep 28, 2006....

  My own daughter had to experience, first hand, three deaths of people she was close to before she turned 8 years old. Also, each was in a different way, and with each she had a different relationship.
  
  Further, she had a mother that she knew had already experienced this due to overhearing adult conversations and comments.
  
  She always had had questions, and I addressed each as they came up as honestly and reflective of my beliefs as I could. I always focused on reassurance and "it's okay" for her, because that is the reality for me. Her transition and the initial 'establishment' of her perception appear to be calm acceptance. As an individual in her own right, she will have times when she questions those beliefs and seeks her own truth. But hopefully she won't avoid it, as so many do, because of her trust for me.
  
  Looking back now, I think she had a lot more trouble accepting whether or not Santa Claus is real (tooo funny story), and that I had been conning her for years when someone told her that eating liver on Halloween before you go trick-or-treating will NOT counteract the effects of all the candy (especially chocolate) you get to eat if you finish the meal.
  
  Sounds like you handled the problem rather well. I personally don't think its "what" you believe, but how honest you are about "why" you believe it. Children discern honest answers very quickly.
  
  aeschylus
  bai ming sheng
  

• aeschylus said on Sep 28, 2006....

  I do have to add that we had a few more problems in the neighborhood and at school because of the honesty I had with her though.
  
  After 9-11, I got several visits from people complaining that my daughter had made a few comments they found inappropriate.
  
  Seems with all the "God Bless America" signs all over, every time she noticed one she would say, "They forgot the 's' on God again." She told me she figured America needed more than one 'blessing' too.
  
  aeschylus
  bai ming sheng
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Sep 28, 2006....

  thanks for sharing!
  Honesty can be very hard to handle some times. As a single mom I have no probelm to talk about anything with my son,but as he grows I get some very challanging questions about male privet parts and it's behavioral. I try to answer them as good as I can but there are some things I just wouldn't know - if you know what I mean. I don't know! And tell you the truth, it is pissing me off. It only makes me think about the fact that his father isn't here right now to give him the right answeres.
  But Santa was never a problem in my house. See, we've never had that until my ex got married to the non-Jewish american woman. From that point on my son started to vine about not having Chirstmass and such. But I made all our holidays even more rich and exciting than they already are and told him sharply that there is no such a thing as Santa. Daddy and the new wife are buying those gifts for him with Mrs. new wife's money, so he should be really nice to her untill he actually gets them. And of course, the Jewish holidays are filling up the year from September basically untill the Summer, so I make a good point of taking him with me and buying him the toys he wants IF he deserves it by good behavioral.
  I know i probably took one innocent joy away from him, but in my case it was tottaly "legal". And at least I've got my revange on "her".
  

• aeschylus said on Sep 28, 2006....

  I've re-posted an essay I wrote about my daughter's perspectives when she was five years old. Her growing awareness was so interesting to watch!
  
  Everyone does holidays differently, and I have diverse friends, so she was exposed from birth to a great variety. But as with all kids here, Santa becomes really important, especially because of the schools (she attended public school in a Southern Baptist neighborhood!). We acknowledged Santa.
  
  But one year she was being especially difficult (about age 7, I think), and I had about had it.
  
  Later I found out she had had a 'discussion' with her cousin who was a year older. They decided to challenge the Santa theory that they had to be good to get presents!!!
  
  So, she was standing and arguing at me about something, and she said "Just wait till Santa comes, then you'll REALLY see what I'll do or not do!"
  
  Without thinking I turned around and, having had it in general with the materialistic holiday that year anyway, I blurted out:
  
  "You're making a big mistake little girl, and kissing up to the wrong people. There ain't NO jolly little fat man coming in a fancy red suit to give you anything! YOUR FATHER AND I ARE SANTA CLAUS! and a few other people if you are nice to them!"
  
  She just looked at me and said nothing. Actually, nothing more was said about the matter at all in the couple of weeks that followed. Her dad told me "You made a BIG mistake! You'll see."
  
  Christmas Eve came and I dragged myself out of bed at 2am to put gifts under the tree. I woke up fast, when I saw next to the chocolate chip cookies and glass of milk, A NOTE!
  
  She had written a note to Santa: "Dear Santa. My mom says you're not real but I know you are. Please write down your address and phone number so I can prove it to her. Oh, and make sure you sign your name too."
  
  Of course, I did, aka "Santa Claus." Gee, I'm not a monster.
  
  But her dad was right. I regretted my hasty words.
  
  By the following year, she knew of course there was no "jolly little fat man in a fancy red suit" ... (If I hadn't told her, that darn cousin would have!) But it was worse.
  
  As there was no Santa Claus, there were also no letters to Santa, phone calls to Santa with the latest request, etc.
  
  There were, however (from about the beginning of November), little notes all over my house and her dad's house, voice messages on the answering machine, etc., etc. I learned ... kids will generally be direct and go to the source. At least she did.
  
  I wish you luck ... and good humor through it all !!!
  
  aeschylus
  bai ming sheng
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Sep 29, 2006....

  oh Goodness.... You made me laugh!
  Interestingly, as we are wrting about them, they obviusly talking about us. Hmm....
  You know, the whole Santa thing is actually a beautiful magical time for children. The more we're talking about it the more it takes me back to the time I was just a little girl.
  I grew up in Hungary as the second generation after the WWII. My grandparents survived Auschwitz and work camp, but lost their family and dignity as human beings. It reflected differently but dramatically on both of them and I think it made a mark on my father as he grew up. Knowing the political issues during his time as a young adult, and my mother's background as well, I'm not surprized that they decided to raise us, children no differently than other people around us. We grew up keeping the same holidays and traditions as any one else. We alsmot assimilated as Jews. Of course, by the time I was a teenager people realized that it's no matter what we do, we will always be Jewish and people will always know it. There was no point to act like a christian person when we were marked as the Jewish family of the neighbourhood. So in my time it actually became "in" to be peroud of religion and practice it, live it.
  But my parents never agreed with me or with my generation. And that gave me some very nice hiloday memories. In Europe, we all decorate the tree together for days before Christmass, and it is th 24th when people have the nice dinner and open the gifts as well. The children are taken away for the day so the parents can put the gifts under the tree, but religion history is more in order there, so we know that that day has nothing to do with Santa. It is November 6th when the calendar marks St. Nicolaus day, remembering the actual person who is behind the Santa stories. And we have a different kind of celebration for that day.
  But the American movies and trends touched us thru the movies, so people started to mix a little Santa into the story as well.
  I remember comming back from the Christmass day "Matine", day time movie time for children, with my dad one year. The living room's glass door was closed and we just saw something red moving inside. We were all so excited that Santa is still in there - but guess what? By the time we ran into the room, all we've found was the onpen window! Now here I am, 29 years old, proudly Jewish, studying religion history back in school - yet still remember this one time with a smile on my face.
  So yes, I know I probably took some wonderful memories away from my son. On the other hand I would never raise him to become something he is not. Especially now, that we are back in Israel.
  However, we've got a bit far from the original subject but I enjoyed your comments!
  Thank you.
  

• aeschylus said on Sep 29, 2006....

  Oh! ZsuzsiO, I would love to hear those stories. My paternal grandfather was German heritage (grandmother native american), and I remembered the 'old' stories well enough years ago to look up some of the original texts behind the person in various cultures. Its a wonderful history, the story of "Santa Claus" and worth explaining to our children.
  
  And as for your family's history and culture, no matter what your parents felt about it, or how you perceived it, your son needs those stories to turn to through the years as he grows up. A lot! of hearing about it.
  
  My daughter used to ask her dad about childhood stories and experiences, which I tell so freely (including my 'got into trouble' ones, unfortunately, a few of which backfired on me! LOL).
  
  He would always dismiss her and say he didn't remember and it wasn't important. It frustrated her to no end, and made her feel rejected as well. A difficult thing especially when living with parents in two different households. And my frustration was added to it for his lack of sensitivity toward her needs.
  
  There was an old story about when I had first met him in California (during the initial dotcom days). We were both from Texas and met in a bookstore with some mutual friends. One of the Superman movies had just come out ... the one where the aliens land and say, "What planet is this?" and an old man says, "This is Houston."
  
  My ex- wasn't from Houston, but I was. One of our friends turned to him and said, "Oh, she might consider you an alien in that case." (Referring to me, and some of Houstonian's tendency to consider anything beyond its borders 'alien' in the first place.) It sort of stuck a bit.
  
  Well, I explained this story to my daughter one day when she was venting about the fact her father had again claimed he couldn't remember anything prior to his 10th birthday.
  
  I was listening patiently, not knowing what to say (and totally agreeing with her). At one point she paused in her questions about the story of when I had met him, and the words just came out of my mouth ...
  
  "So, you see. Your father was probably abducted by aliens at about age 10 (in that non-Houston city), and one of them probably still lives in his head, so you really shouldn't worry about it."
  
  SHE LOVED IT! He didn't ... but his own fault. He still wouldn't talk about any 'childhood' memories.
  
  But its still fun to see the look on his face when she looks at him and cuts him down a notch or two when she says, "You're just an alien!" He knows what she means.
  
  Please write some more about where you live and growing up. I'm sure they are wonderful stories!
  
  aeschylus
  bai ming sheng
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Sep 29, 2006....

  So you say you're from Texas? Than what is bai ming sheng means?
  I love everything about Texas. I was never one of those America fans who dreamed about living in the land of oppurtinities. But again, I was way too young to know better when I first left Hungay at age 17. When we've got there with my baby and my ex, we've got to Florida right away, and that's basically the only state in the US I knew. I've been in NY thtree times for short visits, but not enough to be able to say I've been there. Since the first years in the USA were the worst ones in my marriage I hated everything about it. But after teh divorce I've spent there almost 6 years and i grew to love it. If I could I would go back any time. But you see, I fell in love with the "real Americans". The people who mostly remind us of the origin of the land. I mean, I know it is the natives Americans who are really the origin of the land, but you know what I mean. I like people who are proud of their background and the life style. And Texas gives me that feeling that I'm back in some kind of western movie. The outback, the accent, the stakes.... I know that not all Texas fitts this picture but to me Texas will always be must see.
  You're asking me to tell more about me. See it's hard like this. All of a sudden i don't know what to tell you about to make it sound extremely intetresting. My life is a wild story, but my childhood was nice and kind of borring.
  I was lucky to have a supermom, who was the ideal mother figure you can only read about in the books. She used to do everything on her own - home made food, backing and even jams or "sour milk". She used to make a big deal out of preparing the house and ourselves for each and any holiday, and she happened to know the real traditional ways. We were the only family in our neighborhood where the holidays were filled with home made cakes, cookies and food that took at least three days to preper. On Easter we were the only ones having real Easter eggs - we were colecting the onion skins all thru the year and a week before easter we started to cook eggs in them. The eggs cake out having the color of the onion skins, a deep brown/red color. We used to scretch the clolor off with the sharp side of a knife to create the pictures we wanted to put on the egg. It takes a long time to make one egg but the result is amazing. And it is also a wonderful time for the women of the family to sit together and spend some quality time togather. We some times used a candle to draw on the fresh egg before cooking it, so the wax wouldn't allow the color where ever the paintings were. Or we used old nylon stockings and all kings of leaves and herbs - we put the egg inside the stockings with the herbs pressed on the walls of the eggs tightly closing the stocking. When it was cooked in the onion skin, the herbs left their prints on the eggs. Each egg was polished with natural fat, so in the egg basket they looked like in a magazine. My mom used to go crazy over the rude men who came over to "water us" and crack the eggs open to eat them without realizing all the hard work we've put in them. In east Europe the men used to go around the houses to symbolically water the women, as if they were the spring flowers, a sign of nature's re-born each year. Today we only get a drop of soap water out of a bottle. Women used to return this symbolic favour by offering hard boiled eggs to the men, which is a symbol of new life of course. I'm glad I've had this tradition in my life, but I think it is only because of my mom. Today's women get the ugly colorful water paints that gives unnetural color to the eggs, they buy boxed cookies and the children get money in stead of eggs. So my mom was out of her mind when the children made faces of the eggs and their dads distroyed them and eat them with salt front of her eyes. She even took her time to make holes on the fress eggs, blow the inside into a bowl when cooking, so she could use the egg shells for decoration. She used to put yarn thru the holes in loop, tie a knot on the bottom so she could hand paint them, spray them with ahir spray and hang them up on flowery branches as the middle piece of the table.
  SShe also used to tell us the best night time stories. She gathered us together in her bed when we were little and told us an ongoing story about a family - who happened to be exactly like our own family. The parents, the pets and the three children all the same as we were. The stories were always new because she just made them up as she told them. We loved it because we knew they were really about us. She was so tired by the time of those stories that she used to yan while telling them to us. But she kept on going, forming the words throu out yawning making them sound funny. So today, when I tell a story to my son and yawn in the middle, I think about her.
  I miss Easters with her, but I would never do it.When I lived in the USA and worked with non Jews, I used to surprize them with my special eggs. But the American tradition is so different from the one we have in Europe. Unless they are chocolate eggs people didn't think much of them. So I stopped doing it. I'll only do it if I'll ever have a big family and have people over for dinner. Just to make a nice presentation on the table.
  But we do the Shabbat candles every Friday evening with my son, and we keep the Jewish traditions. As a single mother with no family members at all, my son and I don't really have nice, cozy family traditions other than allowing him to stay up as long as he wants, drinking cola, or playing on the computer for long hours. This year I want to teach him how to make his own Channukah candle holder, the Menorah, and keep on doing it each year. He also knows that New year is apple and honey, yom kippur is bicikle day and all the rest of the israeli traditions the whole country adopted.I think that living in Isarel people really do created only Israeli traditions that no other Jews do. And we could only do that because here we all are a big Jewish family. We celebrate our holidays like other countries celebrate theirs, so being Jewish does not mean here to be different. The whole country follows the Jewish traditions, so the country and it's people are different from other countries. And that's a traditions in itself.
  Of course, I wish I'd have a huge family with lot's of children. If I would live in the USA, I'd probably celebrate both Jewish and non Jewish holidays in a way that is accaptable. That way my son would not be the wierd one out of the rest of the kids, but still would know where his roots are.
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Sep 29, 2006....

  I re read your comment and realized the meaning of your heritage! A german and a native amerivcan! Wow! what about your mom? I wonder how all that shaped your family and the stories you grew up with!
  

• aeschylus said on Sep 29, 2006....

  Oh ZsuzsiO ...
  
  I know about those eggs. My grandmother did a different version, but in my early 20s a friend's mother shared some with me ... the same as you describe. The stories about them were wonderful!
  
  Indeed, when my grandmother died, her obituary specifically mentioned her fame with respect to her skills in the kitchen for a few of the treats you've mentioned. She loved my grandfather dearly, and when they married she adopted the ways as completely as she could. This was not a Jewish heritage though, but ALL were always welcome in her home. And when I say "welcome" ... She would go out of her way to learn something about them and then offer that to them as closely as she could to make them FEEL welcome and respected. She was loved by many.
  
  I would love to tell you more, and hear more. This forum is difficult and I do not trust the intrusion of those with less respect. I am in the middle of a writing project now and have neglected much of it promising that I will do as much as I can this weekend. But you can reach me if you wish ... ming at 24752.net.
  
  I don't feel comfortable putting the link to my temporary blog up, and until I have been able to ensure privacy after events last weekend here, I'm hesitant to put up information that the unscrupulous would use.
  
  I am in the U.S. and have already discovered the laws provide little if any safety from stalkers and such. I live in a small community (also, officially Cherokee nation) and posting some information publicly where so many come and go isn't wise, for me or for you.
  
  I'll also be following your posts, and it would be so great to have you post stories of your memories. We may not be "popular" or "featured" but I'll bet that once you write for some of us here, those stories you want to tell your son will be easier to tell.
  
  I confess, I've neglected writing such things out myself for a long time, a lot because people have a tendency to respond negatively, even in real life.
  
  How I miss being a little girl and having my grandmother teach me those important things.
  
  aeschylus
  bai ming sheng
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Sep 30, 2006....

  I totally agree with you my friend. I don't really like to put my personal information out there either. I am the kind of therson though who likes to wrtie and talk a lot. When I don't write or talk, than I probably doing it in my head.My mind is keep on going on. So whe I come up here, I ususally give out more about myself than I know it would be wise to. It also makes my blogs extremely borring for most people. But I don't mind it at all. I did not have to face any hate, but only meet people who are really nice to me. I know some bloggers read most of my blogs and if it is a subject that touched them they respond to it. I don't want to be popular at all. I did not sign up to make money. I just like to write things out of me and meet people who feel the same way. Some times I make friends here - like I did now. I cherish my e friends because some times they become more loyal and understanding than those around me. There are not too many of them though. I'm not sure if I was to figure a web page out or something, but if you want to reach me on a safer way, you can find me on myspace. It is a much younger site with pictures and all kind of crazy people. But at least you can see who I am. www.myspace.com/zsuzsio
  I don't care giving out this site, cause there is no way people can do anything to it's users just by clicking on it. So I'll be waiting to hear from you
  

• Trinov said on Apr 11, 2008....

  Hi, just found this, the Mashiach has nothing to do with death and dying--he is the renewed Davidic King, and his Kingdom is here and now, see if you can get some Chabad material. The Rambam, Maimonides says that the time of the Mashiach will not be different from now, only that Israel will not have problems with enemies, The Lubavitcher Rebbe sees this time as a time of great technological leaps and a time of human progress without war etc. You can stress also that in the time of Mashiach people will have very very long lives (one Rabbi, Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan attributes this to scientific knowledge.
  
  Unfortunately, there are a lot of Israeli children's books (maybe old ones) that deal with death in the family, etc. You might ask the local librarian or the school psychologist for some suggestions.

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