i hate this. i hate this so much.
i need things. and i can't have them.

since when is he NOT a horny bastard.....

what happened. i am and suddenly he's not?

that never happened before????

WHY THE FUCK NOW????

this is the dumbest fucking thing i've ever been through.

i'm not flirty enough? the once or twice a day we see each other????

HE'S THE FUCKING INTROVERT AND HE'S GIVING ME LESSONS ON HOW TO BE OUT THERE.

i'm so pissed off right now.

really really really hurt

very very rejected.
and angry
and really really sad.

i hate being rejected.

it hurts SO much.

ecspecially from people i'm close to.


i want to ask him so many things, that i just don't understand.,

is he just not turned on right now? or WHAT?

and since when has that ever happened?

i try to ACTUALLY get close...instead of just a flirty kind of closeness...and he backs off.

so i can never ACTUALLY be close....just the fake kind.

or rather, not the fake kind, but the surface kind.

not a deep closeness.
never that.d
god forbid.

my widdle feewings might get in the way.


i can't even talk about it with him......at all.
that i'm hurting so much.

why can't i tell him.
why?!?!


i'm so mad at him right now........
and i can't even talk about it.

we have to talk about logical reasoning and whales
and inductive and deductive reasoning.

when all i want to know is why don't you want me?????

i genuinly want to get close to you...and because i'm not bubbly and flirty enough you want nothing to do with me.


i don't want to deny the feelings inside....i want to let them out.
i want to talk about them and have them resolved and be held.

i don't want to have a fucking discussion on planets and whales and logic.

to "distract" me....why the hell should i have to be distracted.

this is what i'm feeling......and i'ts important to me....why isn't it important to him???!

i have to sound so calm when i'm NOT FUCKING CALM.

why am i the only one that can handle me not being calm.

why do i have to give up all these important feelings, just because they are too hard for other people to deal with.

i was rejected.
and it hurts REALLY REALLY BAD

and i suppose it shouldn't.
but it DOES>
and i'm falling apart and i can't do this.....at all.


so how do i be close and be flirty at the same time.....cause flirty takes so much work...it's not really "me"

so how can i be something that isn't really really "me" and get truly close to someone at the same time.

i'm TIRED.
i'm taking care of HIS kids all day.

and VERY little sleep.
i'm too tired for this, i'm even too tired to do all this........oh god.

i just wan tto be loved, the way that i love.
i don't know....maybe not.

i don't know what i want.
at all.

i just don't want to be rejected.

especially not when i'm trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard.


on top of that, i HAVEN'T been flirty and suggestive because i didn't want to seem clingy.

i don't understand.....i really don't understand him at all.

why the hell do i have to love HIM of all people.

one more way life just isnt fair.

i don't want to be by myself right now....i'm by myself all day long.......\

i don't want one more all by myself experiance.

i try to be really kind, and nice, and gentle.......why don't THOSE things stick with him....instead of morose. and sad, and mopey.

that's what i was trying for.....not those horrible words