The anxiety and panic is unusually bad tonight. I'm scared and left with no one to turn to. M is in bed. There is a 3 hour time difference and I assume she has work in the morning. She's pretty much the only person that can talk me out of doing stupid shit when it's late at night and the thoughts wont stop.

My thoughts keep going back to S. I want to talk to him...tell him how sorry I am for the way I treated him shortly before he died. I wish that I could have given him what he wanted from me. I can't change what happened to him. That bothers me.

S was killed in a rollover accident while on a mission in Iraq. Since I was his best friend, I was on his list of people to notify if he died. The horror of seeing those 2 men in uniform at my door, will stay in my nightmares forever.

M worries about me talking to S. I talk to him all the time...as if he were right here with me in my room. And I have to admit that when I'm in this dark place, I imagine that he talks back. I have to imagine that he's here with me or I'll actually go insane. There are times that I imagine him telling me awful things about those I love. I don't know what that means or why I do it. It's not like I do it intentionally. It honestly just...happens.

So tonight, I'm left ot my thoughts about S. I want to be where he is. I want to go to him. Of course, that means dying. That's out of the question, according to M. I love her. I adore her. But sometimes (in those really, really dark moments) I wish that she didn't love me so much. Then maybe she wouldn't care enough to stop me. Of course, I don't really mean that. I would be left lonely and abandoned without her. I just don't know what to do.

I want to stop trying. I want to stop breathing. Apathy is deadly and I'm apathetic tonight. My chest is tight. The chest pains are massive. I think THOSE are sympathy pains from M. We feel one another that way. Almost like twins do. My head hurts. I want to pull out my brains to stop the throbbing. I want to take my eyes and crush them so the sharp pains behind them will stop.

The thoughts keep rolling through my mind...all different and creative ways to punish myself for living...when S is dead. He was such a great person. A boy that was quickly becoming a man. He deserved to live, not me. He had many years of life and love ahead of him. What do I have to offer the world? Not a whole lot. I'm a single mother that doesn't have custody of her kids. I get visitation. Yay me. The kids would be better off without a prescription-druggie and alchie mommy.

And as it appears that I can't cry another tear, the tears come rushing down. I can't breathe. The panic is setting in. I have to be in it for the long haul tonight. I should have taken my meds like a good girl. I've been avoiding them because they hide my feelings. They don't allow me to FEEL anything at all. So no thoughts of S. No thinking back on the memories or feeling the guilt. There are good and bad points of taking my medication. I don't want to forget him, so I choose to forget to take my damn pills.

As the hyperventilation sets in, I pray for peace tonight. I pray that I make it to tomorrow as I told M I would. If she only knew my plans for the future. *sigh* I don't want to frighten her. I don't want to upset her or make her angry. And if by some weird chance she's reading these words, I love you bg. Help me. You are the only one who can keep me alive with both feet on the ground.