As I pop my blogging cherry with this 1st post, I feel it's only fair to warn you that some of my posts could be very long.

 

I lost my best friend this week and I can now say that I know exactly what drives people to want to numb themselves from pain.

 

I quit smoking 3 weeks ago, on my daughter's birthday. I cannot BEGIN to explain how badly I want to jump in my car, drive 10 miles to the nearest store and buy a pack of Malboro Light Menthols. That's my brand of death in a box.. no offense to smokers, but we all know cigarettes kill. I want to bang that fresh pack against my hand and pack it real good. I want to catch that first delicious whiff of fresh tobacco and menthal as I rip the silver foil off. My nails are just the right length, and I can see myself now using my thumb & index finger.. pinching the butt of one of those little white sticks and sliding it smoothly from the pack.

 

I won't do that though, because I made a promise to my family that I would quit. Instead I'll probably go munch on something that I don't really need, and gain 20 pounds before I can bat an eyelash... all in an effort to try and fill that gaping void of nothing that seems to have ripped open somewhere deep inside the core of my soul!! I was going to put a period at the end of that, but the exclamation point just seemed to be more fitting. LOL!

 

Basically I lost someone who was more like a sister to me really, and for over 5 years.. all because I decided it would be a GOOD thing to start slapping her in the face with a bunch of truths that she obviously can't see. Long story short, she told me I wasn't the friend I should have been.. which in effect pissed me off because this was my last resort to try and get through to her.

 

She's not the best person in the world.. but we all have issues, right? Over the years I just learned how to overlook a lot of things, but I'd always make a point to tell her when she was being 'really' wrong. Looking back now, I feel like I somehow enabled her to become the monster of a person she is now. And who knows, maybe I did. I've been the only stable friend she's had in over 5 years. In all that time, I've watched her spiral down into this nasty.. pit of misery. That's the only way I can describe it.

 

I'll just give some details of her bad issues ok? She hates her stepkids and mistreats them. She sits at home now, depressed, and eats every 20 minutes. In the last year she's gained 40 pounds or more. She's hateful to everyone.. example of that, she claims she hates her sister in law's kids. For the past 6 months, it seems like everytime I invite her out, she makes up some lie as an excuse not to go, usually she blames it on her husband.. or the fact that it's their weekend to keep the kids.

 

Do you know what it's like to watch someone you really care about.. go from being a great person... to wondering if this same person's insides are black? Do you know what it's like to try and offer the best advice you can, to try to show someone in little ways that they are wrong?

 

So I blew my top and told her what I thought about everything. I told her that she has turned into a hateful, bitter, selfish bitch. I told her that it's killed me all these years to watch her treat her stepkids like dogs, and that I didn't blame them for not liking her at all. I told her that it's no wonder her husband looked at her a few years ago and admitted he thought their marriage was a mistake, and that I didn't blame him for saying it. I told her that unless she changed, she was going to loose so much!

 

I told her that her therapist is an idiot! And that there is no way you can validate mistreating children like she does, all because your mother used to babysit.. and when you were 5 she had you help her out and had you hold a baby and feed it! (Actually I told her that the 1st time she told me. She called me up to say she had had a major breakthru in her therapy session and she realized how come she treats her stepchildren the way she does. We had a big fuss over it, and I finally just said FINE! She told me I wasn't supportive of her, because I didn't agree.. that I wasn't being the friend she needed me to be. I wound up telling her that I didn't agree, but if that is was helped her.. if using that for an excuse is was going to make her better.. then I'd accept it.)

 

I told her to keep putting her little mask on every morning, and pretending that her life was okay, because I'd reached the end of my rope and run out of ideas to help. (She has admitted that she puts a mask on every day. Actually she believes that everyone does that.. and I've tried to tell her she's wrong about that.)

 

I told her that I loved her, and that I hated seeing her get worse and worse. I told her I'd do whatever it took to get her the help she needs, to support her and help her get better! I told her I just wanted her to find happiness again, so she could enjoy her life, her husband, and her family!

 

She told me that I reminded her of her mother, because I threw things in her face. She told me I was NEVER the friend I should have been, and that I always think things are about me.

 

I told her she just couldn't handle the truth, and that if she wasn't going to change.. then I couldn't be her friend anymore. She said fine. The last thing I said to her was, "I'm sorry I wasn't the friend I should have been."

 

Now.. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm okay with it and think it was the best thing I could have done. The next, I'm angry at myself because I wonder if maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut... but the next I'm thinking that if I hadn't said anything and kept going like we were... she would just keep getting worse.

 

Then I have moments where all I want to do is go somewhere private and release some of the pain. My husband went to town and the kids are in school.. so I've bawled my eyes out for the past hour. It's why I'm here, posting. I feel like I have to let it out somehow.

 

I feel horrible, and for the first time in my life.. I don't know if I was right, or if I was completely wrong for what I did. I've asked the closest people around me one question.

 

Do you think I'm a good person, a good friend... or am I the one who is really terrible, and hateful? Am I a bad person, and it's just that no one has the balls to step up and tell me? I've begged for the truth, and told them that they can be honest! I know I've driven my husband nutty over the past few days but what can I say, I need to know.

 

I want honesty! If I'm being a horrible person, I'm sorry.. I want someone to love and care about me enough to pull me to the side and tell me! I wouldn't dare tell them they aren't a real friend... I'd hug them tight and cry.. and thank them for BEING a true friend!

 

My mother did this to me, by the way. I have my own issues. I always need to seek approval for everything I do,  and I have maybe 2% of self esteem. I'll talk about her another day though.

 

It's Friday.. Happy Weekend.