I tried to write here initially as therapy for myself and to get back into a habit of writing.  I have been unsuccessful.   Somewhere along the way I started to write to try to appeal to others.  Which defeats the purpose of writing here.  The point is to have a place to be truely honest with no real world repercussions.    Somehow I went astray.   I am going to try and return to that as best as I can.   Now on with the blog...

 

Doubt is all I have really.  Doubt in others, doubt in my relationship but mostly just doubt in myself.  I lie a lot.  Not here really but in real life.  I try to make everything work for everyone including myself and quite frankly that is just impossile to do so I lie....or avoid situations.   I doubt that I will every truely get my shit together the way that I really need to.   It is a constant thought for me any more and it is quite overwhelming at times.  I would say that I have lost site of where I want to be but the truth is I have no idea where that is or what that looks like.  I pretty much live my life just trying to get through each day and there is no real point or destination that I am working towards.  It is like being stuck in one of the levels of hell...doomed to repeat the same action over and over again for all eternity.   I should probably state clearly here that I am not looking for advice, or sympathy for that matter.  I am just looking to say what needs to be said even if no one is really listening.   I have no idea who I really am or who I want to be.  I only know who I should be and who I pretend to be anymore.   The irony is I used to have a very strong sense of self but I somehow lost that along the way.  They say not all who wander are lost, hell I used to say that, but it does not apply to me.  I am lost and am wandering through this life and wasting it.   I blame money a lot.  The fact that I do not have much money really.  Sometime I think if I won the lottery it would all change.  I think I would still be misguided but just with a softer cushion to land on when I fall.  I don't know where I will end up but then again no one really does.  I do know that most people at least know where they would like to end up, but I am not most people.