In a nutshell, school is very difficult - much harder than anticipated. I am working my butt off and learning lots, but you would never know it to look at my grades. I am praying to improve them enough to avoid academic probation. Nearly threw in the towel last week - took a lot of convincing from family and friends to keep following this dream. Wanting it was never in question, but the self-doubt is really flaring up.
My stress level is mitigated by my stupid sense of humor. It's fun sometimes to be on the other side of things and watch how academic egos get the best of each other, arguing over trivial nonsense. Also fun are the many dopey things I do when I am exhausted, including sitting on a closed toilet seat last night and reflexively starting to empty my bladder. It's ok - the floor in there needed to be mopped anyway.
The move from NY to the mountains is still a bit of a culture shock, but the people here are really amazing. That is a blessing in and of itself - so genuinely warm and friendly, and though they are more intrigued and amused by my accent, I really love theirs, especially some of the local expressions - "Ya feel me, Sugar?"
There are just all kinds of simple pleasures - the way the apples taste when they're fresh off the tree, the spectacular reds and golds of the leaves on the hiking path near the creek ... the way the sliver of sparkling moon was just hanging in the amber and pink sky as I walked to the parking lot after class tonight ... and the deer in the field next to the apartment complex as I was coming up the drive - God's little consolation prizes, reminders of His presence, the substance behind the faith that is driving this whole endeavor.
I thought I could make a bigger difference this way. An academic doctorate will allow me to use my clinical background for research. Jack and I talked about doing things on a larger scale to help with the tremendous unmet need for public health programs in this country. Maybe I am going to have a chance to do that ... if I can somehow manage to make it through this challenge.
Let's be real - unless you're the professor, there's a reason college was made for 18 year olds. I must be outta my mind. Some goals require a little insanity - I think I've got that part covered ;)
