I've had a lot of time to think the last couple of days.  I suppose some of it was worthwhile.  I came to the conclusion that I'm going to completely strike out my independence.  No longer will I wait for my husband to run errands or other things.   It's not that I felt I NEEDED him to do these things, it just became habit for us to do them as a couple, because we were both available, because we both wanted to do it, or just to get some time in together.  No more of that though.  'Work/Errand' type tasks are a thing of the past to do together.  Now, if we spend time together it's legitimate, good, recreational time.  No more blurring the fine lines.  I can tell you, it's a really refreshing feeling going and doing all my errand running throughout the day by myself.

Moving on from that though, it was also sort of refreshing and enlightening to so openly speak to my mom about my own errors.  Completely admitting them, not making excuses, but expressing that I do realize it and want to work on it instead of covering it over.  That surprised me to have felt such relief at just saying it and letting it go.

For some reason, this all feels different than before, when I've said 'I'm just gonna do it all on my own, to hell with the rest.'  I'm doing it this time, just the same as I have any of those other times I've said it, but I don't know how to describe why it feels different.  It's not because I'm doing or not doing anything.  Maybe because I'm more determined?  I have no idea.

I also noticed that as of late, when something big or upsetting happens, I've been pulling away from this place.  I mean, sure I let out my big whiny, ranty, upset post ... but then I don't feel the urge to come back.  I don't have the energy to post again.  I even sort of wish I'd never said anything in the first place.  I'm not one to just delete posts, but I seriously considered deleting the two from Sunday night.  Heck, sometimes I don't even feel like I have the energy to read and stay up to date.  I sure as hell also worry that people are gonna wonder what kind of stunt I'm pulling, reading and commenting with a totally different tone compared to my post (when I write a pretty upset post).  My philosophy there is that YOU guys have not caused my problem, nor are you a part of it, so why should I act poorly on your blogs?

 Another thing that's been crossing my mind has to do with just that ... my mind ... and what it consists of, how I feel within it sometimes.  I'm not done exploring this thought process though, so I'll have to come back to it at a later date.  You'll just have to bear with me, sorry.

There's more, but it's scattering currently because I have less than ten minutes left of work.  So, because of that I think I'm just going to call this one done and try to come back a little later. 

Until then ...