i've been sitting here for a good fifteen minutes, just trying to figure out what to put as a title. that may be some indication of how my words are escaping me today. so, forgive me, this one may be a little jumbled and difficult to understand, but my world has been demolished and rebuilt again completely over the past week.
Frequent readers of my blogs will appreciate how seriously i take BDSM and my place in it. They will no doubt know about my attitudes towards submission and constant reminders of how difficult it can be, how strong we have to be to submit. They will be aware of my fierce loyalty, love and dedication to the one i have chosen as my Master, the one who has chosen me.
There is another element there that many of you haven't seen. You've grown to know rose the submissive, the slave. You've met Will the Dominant, the Master. You've seen snippets and scenes and heard musings from both sides of the whip, but there are so many different facets of the dynamic and the relationship that cannot be conveyed through text. Things that you all cannot possibly understand. i did not consider that i would develop friendships such as the ones i have through the writings i was required to present, but here we are.
Here we are, after so many of you have carried me, have offered advice, have listened to me complaining. Have, no doubt, shaken your head and wondered what was going on in my mind. All i can say, is thank you, all of you. You know who you are.
i always thought that nothing that was good should ever be hard to attain. That you should never have to fight for anything. If it was meant to be, it would come.
More than anything, i realise how much this is not true. i realise how much i've matured lately, in finding these things out and growing to not only accept them, but to know them. i always knew submission was hard, i always knew that it was going to hurt and i've frequently told several of you that too, why was this the only aspect of my life that i accepted it?
Anything worth having is something that you have to fight to hold onto. Anything worth having can and will be taken away, and it's up to you to get it back. Anything worth having requires effort.
i know that now.
i made the decision to attempt to rebuild my relationship. i had come to terms with the possibility of never being able to submit (at least to him) again. it hurt me and left me feeling overwhelmed and lost, but it was something that i knew couldn't be forced. i knew that no matter how much i wanted somebody to take control, to take me, to make me obey, it was no use and wouldn't happen. Couldn't happen. My trust, i assumed, would be devastated and would take much time and effort to attain again, if it came back at all.
This worried me. i was stuck feeling like somebody's slave, nobody's slave, with no choice but to surpress it. i haven't done that in years. i haven't stood completely on my own feet and acted only for myself since late childhood. it can probably be argued that i never have. Not being responsible for making other people happy makes me feel worthless, makes me wonder what the reason for my existence is and come up with no answers. Even worse, i was still tied to feeling like somebody's property when i couldn't get it out of my mind that they didn't care about that fact, that they weren't interested anymore.
i hit bottom, i lashed out, i self destructed, and then i recoiled into myself. i did all the things we're not meant to do. i was convinced that there would be no way out.
Then, something happened. We both became human again. Though i still wanted to see the Dom in him and fan it, i wanted to bring out the slave in me, they'd taken a back seat. Amazingly, something was left. Something in him made him choose me over everything else, even when he knew that i may never submit to him again. i was amazed.
When he said he loved me, i believed it. i knew that despite everything, i still loved him. it's difficult to shake the notion of always loving him, in some way.
We talked and talked and talked. Reconnected. Connected in a much deeper way than i thought was possible without D/s.
Though i can imagine it's how best friends talk.
i don't think either of us held anything back that night. i cried into his chest until his heartbeat reminded me of something and i didn't want to cry any more. He could calm me with a word or a single movement. i didn't know it at the time but my submission to him was still absolute, even then. even when he was at his most vulnerable.
i needed for him to give himself to me. i needed to know that a piece of him was there only for me. He gave me them that night. Finally, we were balanced, we had something solid to build on. i know all of him, he knows all of me.
then, M/s came back. it seemed to just.. happen. All of a sudden. Neither of us planned on it. Neither of us expected it.
but it's back, and stronger than ever.
i think that warrants a new post, all by itself.
the most important thing, is that i've learned that relationships aren't easy.
but you can't throw them out the minute something bad happens, something happens that you didn't anticipate. it's the way you deal with those bad things that is what makes your relationship strong, and make you who you are as a person.
we can all learn from that.
so, i'm rose.
i'm a submissive by nature and sexuality, but it doesn't mean i don't like taking charge sometimes.
i'm His slave.
i'm his love, his support, his friend.
i'm the one everybody goes to for help, the funny one, the one who rarely talks about herself but blogs about nothing but.
i'm not who i was. i'm not my past.
i'm the one who would give anything to see the ones i love be happy.
i'm a person.
it's nice to meet you.
