I wasn't able to go to my mother's funeral (I wanted no drama with the three little pigs (my siblings)...but I did see her prior to being prepped for burial and had a talk with her. I sent 50 carnations for each year of life she gave me; and, I set about a law suit to be included in her will (mother never bonded with me because I reminded her too much of her 1st husband, my dad). Anyway, I should not be excluded and any court will see that.
Sometimes I believe things, like I am a horrible person and not worthy and all that. Since she died on October 1st I feel better about myself than I ever did in my life. It's like the dirt and crap has been cleansed from me. I LOVE MYSELF!
So, now everything is settled (save the law suit I'm instigating) and wonder if I should go see where she is buried. Wait! I bet there is no stone there yet...ahhhh, okay, I'll wait till that happens (if it does...the big pig doesn't like spending money she could use for her own purposes (her own 4 month old baby never got a stone after he died of (so called) sids.
Am I coming across a tad bitter? Oh God I hope Mother didn't leave me that legacy. I WANT GRACE. WHY CAN'T I BE A GRACEFUL TYPE PERSON THAT I WANT TO BE?
I sent a letter of notification to the 3 little pigs to let them know I am contesting the will and wonder what weeping and knashing of teeth is going on over my nerve (I've always been the wimpy scapegoat of the family) and I can just imagine their surprise at the possibily of losting a quarter of mom's riches (a condo and some savings).
I hate feeling like I am coming across greedy.
I hate that although we had no relationship to speak of, other than an abusive one, mom died alone while the 3 little pigs who were allowed in her life were no where around as she undertook chemo and went home alone to suffer out the side affects (she died of vomit and bleeding in her bathroom, alone. I HATE THAT!!! It bothers me to know end. I would have been there had she not pushed me out completely. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN THE 3 LITTLE PIGS WHO COULD HAVE BEEN THEIR FOR HER!
I am the bad child.
No I am not.
I am the good child and mother just couldn't see through to that. The 3 little pigs are capitalizing on mother's lack of love for me and have no reason to shut me out other than to use mother's wishes as an excuse to shun me.
I hate being shunned...it has happened too often in my life.
I'll phone the funeral home to keep up to date to see if there is a grave stone for mother. Then I'll go tell her I forgive her for carrying her hatred over to her death with her. I'll let her know I will be alright in spite of her verbal beatings at me and for the benefit of others who love to hear shit about the shitty daughter.
I need to forgive myself for thinking..."DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD." And I need to forgive myself for calling my only siblings the three little pigs.
I want to forgive with grace...but I don't mind one bit knowing it is simply the truth.
