You know what sucks? I would love more than anything to donate to the ASPCA every month, but we can't even afford the measly stinking $18. So many animals out there, and I can do nothing. Dammit. I know, I know, I can volunteer in my area, donate my papers, etc. I already know about all that, some of it I do. Doesn't feel like it's enough. I'd like to have the ability to do more, and then do it. Harumph. Yeah, guess who just watched one of those tear jerker commercials.
I'm just not in the mood tonight. I don't have any great computer umph at all whatsoever. Nothing interests me. Nothing at all. I suppose if I had faster internet some things might, but as it is, i don't, so there's nothing for me. I'm not in the mood to do any great thinking either.
I did so well today. I went through most of the day in a great mood. I was keeping my mind off of the one thing that could inevitably put me in a poor mood. I pushed it out of my mind. I was in good spirits for the most of the day. I did quite well holding my tongue and keeping high spirits when dealing with my dad. I didn't get all snappy or bitchy with anybody. I didn't cry ... until that damn song came on the radio.
I swear, I think I'm going to make new rules for myself on certain days that make me prone to getting emotional or upset. On those days I'm not going to watch TV or listen to music. Once that song came on the radio, it buckled me. I had to go sit down and just cry it out, there was no other option because I couldn't hold it back. Then after that, my mood just went kersplat.
Picture this if you will:
An upset, angry, sad little girl standing and screaming "Leave me 'LONE!", crossing her arms, stalking off and curling up on her bed, or curling up in a chair, if that pleases you, and bawling her eyes out.
THAT is how I've felt ever since then. I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to be talked to. I want everybody in this house or in my real time life only to speak when spoken to. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to do anything, and I don't want to talk about it. Plain and simple, I just don't want to, period. When I do want to, I will, otherwise, leave me the hell alone.
Gonna go curl up in my chair again for a while, about to cry again. I think I'd better just get this over with instead of pushing it off until it overcomes me and hits me at a really inopportune time.
Oh yeah, the song was 'Candle In The Wind' by Elton John, and my grandma died 12 years ago today.
Hegemone posted on Oct 15, 2009
| views: 62
Comments
-
CreativeWoman said on Oct 15, 2009....
I'm sorry for your loss, Hege. (((((Hugs))))) Try to focus on the happy memories of her if you can.
CW
-
cntlvmenuf said on Oct 15, 2009....
Awww honey. I get that little girl, I am her sometimes. I know how painful it is to remember the loved ones that have passed...regardless of how long ago it was there is always this feeling of unfinished business, the feeling that this is the only person who can tell us what we need to hear right at that moment. As CW said, try and remember the happy memories. Also, if it helps, you can talk to your grandma, and then pause and ask yourself, "What would grandma say to me right now?" {{{{{hugs}}}}} That would be your way of letting grandma wipe your tears...figuratively speaking.I do hope this comment will find you in better spirit. And as a side note, there is no shame in mourning. -
raindove said on Oct 16, 2009....
hegemone, at times its hard to get over a loss no matter how much time has passed. things remind us all the time right, its heartbreaking. i am really sorry, just hope you are ok. lots of love and my prayers are with you. -
Hegemone said on Oct 16, 2009....
CW - Thank you, and yeah, I do try to focus on the good things, that's why I was able to do so good for most of the rest of yesterday, but after a point it gets hard. I'm a lot better today now.
Cnt - Yeah, I do that a lot, thinking of what Grandma would say, or do. Even though she's not here any more, she's still sort of my guiding light more or less. She was the one person who always seemed to know the right thing to do, and she knew when to do it also. I think that's why it's especially so hard, because so many of the problems going on now, she would know just what to do, or just how to direct her thoughts on it anyway. I am in a better spirit this morning, just needed to get it out a little bit.
Rain - I do battle with the thoughts that it's been so long, so why do I still grieve like it's only yesterday, but then I suppose maybe it's supposed to be that way. I know there has been improvement in that department, whereas I used to mope for various days of the year over it, at the drop of a hat, now it seems to only bother me on this particular day, and perhaps her birthday. I sort of purge it out on those days and then move on. Thank you.
-
simplyconfused said on Oct 16, 2009....
We all break sometimes. Maybe it's a song that triggers it, or something simple. ** Squishy Hugz** perhaps it's just your subconscious getting upset, and letting you take it all out.... whatever it is, if you've just let it out it will often feel a little bit better. ( I know you'd have all ready let it out but I haven't been able to find the ability to catch up with posts till now XD) -
Hegemone said on Oct 16, 2009....
Simply - Oh I did let it out. I was fooling myself thinking I'd get through the whole day without having some sort of stumble. Interesting timing of the song on the very day though, so I have chosen to believe that it was meant for me, so that I could go ahead and feel what I needed to feel, so I could continue to move on.
Comment on "Just Not Up To It"
Related Posts:
broken_akira
posted 2 days ago
| views: 54
|
I feel so completely empty. I've been so depressed lately that I can't seem to remember when I became this way. What happened to me? I can't be happy anymore. I can't bring myself to do any of the things I used to like. All I want to do is sit around and... read entire post
silver_phoenix
posted 2 days ago
| views: 31
|
What is the cure for a loss of appetite? Recently, I cannot seem to eat much food, nor do I have the desire to eat. I am not sure why exactly, but I have experienced this in the past and have no idea how I got back to eating.... read entire post
Lucytorial
posted on Nov 04, 2009
| views: 133
|
Life I mean, all the things I know are true, all of my experiences....... read entire post