Here's what I think of being an adopted child. (though, I am not really a child anymore..though, I could be, though.. I'd be mad if you considered me one..)

When the doctor asks, "What is your family's medical history" and you have to pencil in "adopted" next to cancer, glaucoma, and heart disease, because you'll never really know what could be lurking in the future-because it lurked in your family's past. (Take my Gall Bladder disease for a happy example. My poor little disgusting organ was gangrenous-dying-no longer with us, inside of me for years!.. Would have been nice to know that these things tend to be hereditary so I didn't have to go through years thinking I was having mild heart attacks at fifteen.)

When friends are looking at pictures of your family, when there are four children, a mom, and a dad.. and people are saying (and I quote) "Wait, you have blond hair and freckles.. but your parents and siblings have black hair.. and wait again.. they are naturally tan(ner) than you. .. something's weird here.." and you avoid saying that you're adopted for lack of desire to "Get into" the whole.. "I'm adopted thing.. because you know you'll be there all day talking about it.. and the wound it opens up knowing that people are aware that someone gave you away.

When people say, "Oh you are adopted? So.. do you know your real family?" Here's the thing; I would assume that when they say "Real family" they should be talking about the real people who really were there for me my whole life. Right? Hmm.. in response to them, Yes I do know my BIRTH family. and other than my siblings.. I wish I did not. It's hard being adopted because it's not really "fair" that I can not be the big sister that I know they deserve. They don't even get a chance to know me.. because their mother decided to give me up. Though, that's a hard topic too, because I love being a big sister to the siblings I was raised with.. I am very, very close to my family.

When I was a kid and I would be screaming.. "I wish I was with my real mom" and my mom would reply "you don't know what you're saying, be careful what you wish for." I wish I would have known how right she was. For every day that I thought you were a ballerina, you wasted folds and folds of time, when you turned out to be nothing more than a hoax. I am embarrassed that I said these awful things to my mother, especially when she was the one taking a chance on me. .. when you walked out.

When you told me I needed help, getting over my abandonment issues. That I was the one with the problems. I didn't have the nerve, at the time, to tell you this, but you need help, because it's unnatural how many times you can turn your back on your blood. I wouldn't dream of causing anyone this kind of pain... so even if I dwell on things that I shouldn't, and I cry tears that you don't deserve, and I write words that you think are morbid and intense, I am still way better than the hollow peice of black earth that rots your heart.