i'm tired.
going on about three hours of sleep

comes from wanting to be around him to much.

only one person comes to mind that there is a mystery about, and i long to have them near me.

my friend, back in denver, i'll just call him raven here, cause that's what he is to me.....he'd absolutely disown me if he EVER knew i'd used his name,

he's exceptionally tall.....exceptionally skeletal......probably why i have trouble being physically attracted to him....but...that was when i was young and idealistic.......i care for him a great deal...but i believe him to be easily hurt....like me......

would i end up hurting him too?

i know he had at least a little crush on me.

but he's still in love with his girlfriend from like 4 girls ago......

rather sad, i guess.

and i kept going back to the ex......i think we've broken up like ten times.

so....i don't know.

he's dark.
mysterious.
etc.
my raven.

i don't know what it would be like to hold him.
i don't know what it would be like to kiss him
i don't know what it would be like to make love to him.......rather frightening.....or completely loving.......one or the other, i'm not sure if he could manage both.

his girlfriend at the time. (they broke up awhile ago) told me once that he can't orgasm. .....he's too scared of his desires.....he wants to hurt the girl...and without that he can't orgasm....

well....i wonder if my tolerance level is up to that.
i don't know.

he seems pretty scary...to most people...and if most people could see what i see, they'd be scared too.....he's black, and red......very very little white.

quick recap. synesthetics, black=darkness, the more black, the more evil.....red....anger....the more red, the more volitile....white....pure unemotionalism, no conscience.

if he had any more white, with that black and red....i would completely run the other way.

but i love him.

my ex....he's mostly tan......i haven't completely figured tan or brown yet....but it seems as though it is some kind of logical intelligence.....or a more black and white kind of intelligence.
i'm not exactly sure.

still working on that one.

anyway.....raven.....i'll always call him that now i suppose....it does fit him.
i miss him.
immensely.

i loved talking to him , hours on end.
i miss him a lot.
but can't seem to keep contact.
i wish i was with him right now....maybe not in a relationship....but just....with...around....etc.