i no longer belong to my sweetheart.

i broke up with my boyfriend today. he did the same things last night that made me break up with him when we started dating. that, and just being disrespectful of me and being able to still raise his voice at me after he promised countless times not to do things out of anger or not to be rude to me when he's in a bad mood and i have nothing to do with it. bipolar's a bitch, i guess - but mental illness is no excuse for lack of respect. other people get angry or depressed too, but they don't treat their friends or strangers like shit. but i thought he had changed because he had been really good with giving me the time of day up until yesterday, but everyone i've talked to has said it was just rude; he doesn't need to act that way to me when he's in a bad mood that's not caused by me. they also think his having a desktop image of a half-naked model is disrespectful, too, and i don't get it - why would you disregard the feelings of a person with whom you want to spend your life and who you think is the sexiest (yes, he's told me both)? i don't want to look at another woman when i'm using his computer, and i'm sure he wouldn't want to see a "hunk" on mine, even if i don't know the man i'm putting up there. i think he thinks he can just do anything and get away with it and i'll still love him and put up with whatever he does. but now my roommate's talking in bed with her boyfriend like i used to do, yet this is like the fourth time she's called him today, and she can tell him anything, and he's perfectly fine with that - mine wasn't. now i don't have to worry about calling him too late or worry about him ignoring me, not picking up just because he doesn't feel like it, even if i may need him, don't have to worry about boring him... now i can find someone else who will treat me how he wants to be treated. i want someone who will be my best friend and lover no matter what, just as i was doing for my boyfriend.

"i promise to be kind, to be steadfast and true, to be patient and forgive your faults, and to keep joy in our love." do you remember that? i'm sorry, love, i can't be patient anymore; i can't forgive the same things over and over after 1.5 years of your doing them, as much as i really tried to stay with you, work through it, even when it hurts me. and it hurts me to leave, but not as much as it hurts to stay in a relationship marked by inequality and disrespect.

so i'm scared now to be with him because i don't want to be treated poorly on and off for the rest of our time, and i don't want anyone else, but i told him he's free to date other people if he wants, which may be good for him if he meets good people and learns general morals or whatever. i told him he can still call me because i like talking to him, but i'm going to try and avoid depending on him now because he's such a temperamental friend, and i don't really want to, but i should move on. i hope he understands; maybe we will change over time. we'll see how it goes. but i just really don't want to say "this is my boyfriend" when everyone can see the crappy things he does to me. it's just disrespecting myself. i mean, if you had a wife or a husband or you planned to be with your significant other for literally years, would you put a picture of somebody else on your wall? would you hang up on your wife/husband/SO when you're mad? would you yell at them to get out of your apartment? i don't think people do these things in a committed and loving relationship and these are things i cannot just forget about and move on and keep dedicating myself to someone who won't give me the same amount of kindness, patience, or effort.

i gave him rides to classes and to the shop when his car broke down several times.
i bought him a keyboard when his got too old to function well.
i bought other little things.
i stayed with him when he was hospitalized.
i helped him study.
i edited his papers.
i printed his homework.
i cooked for him when he was at school.
i helped clean, vacuum, take out the trash.
i helped him move into a new place and assembled furniture.
i listened to him when i hated the subject.
i massaged him wherever he was sore from weightlifting or walking or whatever.
i rubbed his back and his whole body.
i kissed him for no reason.
i doted on him and complimented him almost every day.
i called too much and didn't give him space.
i wanted to talk too much.
i wanted too much affection that he couldn't give.

but thank you for choosing to give something you can only give once to me, for making me a better person, for the learning experience, and for your (inconsistent) love. i still believe i will love you forever, and i will miss you for a long time.

good night. :)