i think it's funny, the things i find myself missing. i don't feel like i need sex, i don't feel like i need to be spanked or that i need any of the other elements of play.
i feel the overwhelming need to be told 'good girl'.
the desire to know that something i've done has made a difference to somebody. that i've done well.
without that, how do you know? how do you know if what you're doing is the right thing? how do you know what you should be doing? i only seem to learn from my behaviour having consequences, positive or negative, without any consequences at all i seem to go in circles.
these ponderings led me down the track of thinking about BDSM, as it applies to me. Why am i attracted to this Lifestyle? Is it just the 'things' that i enjoy?
A fetish is a thing or a part of the body that has to be there for you to get off. If it isn't there, you can't cum. It can replace entirely your need for another person to get aroused. i.e. a foot fetishist is aroused by the foot, not the person the foot is attached to.
A kink is an object, idea or thing that is made sexual by the individual, but normally isn't held in a sexual light.
Both of these are considered 'unusual' aspects of sexuality, hence perversion or deviance being attributed to them, but i'd go so far as to say that everybody has at least one.
Sexual preference (how we choose our partners) is a kind of kink or fetish. We might like a man who looks a certain way, hair colour, eye colour, body type. One man might be attracted to a woman's legs or hair before he even glimpses the rest of her.
That's a fetish.
Not everybody goes so far as to only date people with blond hair (for example) but still, we have a preference. If you look through your past partners and see a common thread- maybe they were all tall, with a certain hair colour, chances are you've discovered your first fetish. It won't be the only one.
My fetish is D/s. Dominance and submission. Without that dynamic, i find it difficult or impossible to orgasm. It doesn't even have to be a spoken or acted upon thing. i don't have to be wearing a collar or for somebody to be whipping me to cum. In my head though, i have to know who's ultimately in control. Have to give up my own control in my head. It's a part of who i am, who i was meant to be.
Kinks don't have to be there for you to cum. They're your own list of things that are little turn on's, but that not everybody gets off on (unusual things). Kinks are a different story to fetishes for me. i have lots, and it seems i'm always finding new ones. A brief summary, in no particular order, would be:
leather, rope, bondage, collars, chains, corsets, high heels, stockings, uniforms, accents, roleplay, spanking, biting, scratching, ageplay, disney, choking, asphyxation, forced(anything), domestic service, sexual service, being marked, dolcett, fire, body worship, canes, paddles, clamps, abduction, slavery, Master/slave, exhibitionism, verbal humiliation, pet play, orgasm training...
BDSM, while it has some elements of both kink and fetish within it, is a way of life more than anything. That's what attracts me. i need to make somebody else happy to be secure with myself, i need to have a purpose in fulfilling somebody else to feel worthwhile, and i need to be reminded of that through consequences. That's all.
The other things are just an added bonus.
So, sharing time.
Who's gonna post a fetish of theirs? Anybody got a kink or ten? ;]
