The guy I am dating is older than me. I don't think it is going to work out though. We have not done anything sexually though. We just feel this mental connection. The downfall- he is 32 years older than i am. That's the problem. He acts like a 25 year old and he looks like a 25 year old but you can't deny he has his old times. It feels like a normal relationship only i don't think it is. My mom asked me what i want with him. She thinks i am only with him because i want a fatherly figure in my life. As much as i want to puke and say she is sick, i fear she is right. How perverted is that? but i have also heard of people looking for qualities their parents missed out on in your childhood. So am i nutz-o for dating someone older like that? Hell yeah i am. I realize that so we are going out later today and i am going to tell him. I think he will be kinda freaked out by that (actually he will probably puke) but he's an understanding dude. I only hope he is okay with that.

 For the past week it's been hard for me to sleep because when i look over at the pillow next to me- i feel alone. It's empty and no one ever shares it with me. Does that feeling change? Am i supposed to get used to sleeping alone? I've slept alone my whole life but it has only recently been on my mind. I get this sick feeling in my gut when i see the pillow empty but i have no one to miss because like i said- no one has ever shared my pillow.

I've changed quite a bit since my last post. I finally stopped crying myself to sleep (that sounds weird) but I'm proud of it. I was pretty bad for awhile there. I still do it of course but it is toned down. Rather then full fledged sobbing it is silent tears. Not really sure if that is better but i think i am finally healing from my brother leaving and the absence of my father. I was wondering how long it would take and my finding is- alone, it takes at least 6 years to get better from that much heartbreak.