I'm a work in progress. As a dom. As a lover. As a partner. As a person.

...and guess what? I hate it. I hate not being able to live up to my dreams. I hate not being able to avoid hurting the person I love and cherish more than any other, by my foolishness, by my selfishness, by my recklessness. I know how much I love my rose, how special, how precious she is to me, how utterly lost I am without her, how useless I would be and how empty my world would be were I to lose her.

And yet, it seems sometimes that I can't go a month without putting a foot wrong. Without jeapordising our relationship. Without hurting her. If she had anything less than the amazing devotion to me that she has, a devotion I've failed so often to deserve, she would have left by now, surely. Sometimes I think that if she had any sense she would have run a mile after we first met and she saw how damaged and how dangerous I was. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I've tried so hard to make her stay even when I knew she would most likely get hurt again.

But I'm not giving up, on myself or on us. I want to do better. I WILL be better. I will find my way out of the patterns of my behaviour, and I will let go of the parts of myself and my past that hold me back from being the person she deserves.

To all of you, I ask a question, or more of a request for advice. What can I do? What suggestions do you offer? I think I know what I need, but I shouldn't ignore my habit of overlooking the obvious.

To my pet, my love, my dearest, my most cherished and treasured, my rose. I say thank you, thank you for the gift you give me every day you stay with me, for the joy you bring me every time I see you, hear your voice or read your words. Thank you for the love you give to me, and the love you accept from me. Thank you for giving me another chance to redeem myself. Thank you for having the patience and kindness to accept me for who I am, with all my flaws and weaknesses, and for giving me the chance to become the man you deserve. All I can give you in return is the promise that one day to come, I will become that man. I love you so much.