I have fleeting moments of depression. They last about two minutes or less. Its really weird. I didnt know what the feeling was before tonight. Tonight I pinpointed it, I focused on the feeling and figured it out.
I got Remington to sleep about 10pm, Phil and I then ate supper. I sat on the couch and Phil sat at the desk to play on the computer. I was watching The Tyra Banks Show. Then suddenly at the start of a commercial break I got a rush of nausea, really light headed and dizzy. Flashes of my life went shooting by, Remington, the house, the Kitchen, the money, my marriage, waking up in the morning, being tired, having to do this or that. All of those things flashed through my mind in about 30 seconds. It made me feel really queasy, an out of control feeling....
Then boom, it was gone and I felt great.
So I began thinking of why that happens now and again. Everyone tells me im crazy positive. I feel like itspart of my job. When other people are sad or depressed they tell me their problems and expect me to council them and make them feel better. People have very plainly told me that they count on me to lighten them up and relieve stress for them.
Im good at it. I can see the positive in almost any situation.
I realized that I do this for my self constantly, more than I do for other people. When I have a negative thought I blow it up and replace it with a positive certainty. There for I walk around almost all day long completly oblivious to anything in my life that some might find depressing.
I dont know how I acquired this skill, but I have it and I use it.
But no one can be happy all the time. I have realized that every so often I have moments of depression but they are moments of built up depression from everyday life that I had been repressing and are "concentrated depression bombs" that hit me every now and again not lasting any longer than a minute or so. So intense I feel sick to my stomache during.
Even with that bomb though, I am unphased. I think "huh, I have a helluva lot on my plate, ah well, I can do it, I can do anything, im fucking amazing"...and poof, im me again with my insanely positive outlook ready to conquer the universe.
