If you could rewind your life, and do certain things all over again, would you?
Would i walk away from my first 'spanking'?
Would i have handled things differently?
Would i not have taken the bus that day?
Would i never have started in D/s, in a relationship?
Would i have stayed in bed, not reached out, not used the pain to control myself?
The answer to all of these, and more, is no.
i do not have regrets. i do not wish that things hadn't have happened the way they did, (even though that's the first thing i'll say when i'm upset).
We learn from our experiences, positive and negative. We learn by watching others learn and change.
My first D/s relationship left me with scars. Physical and mental wads of scar tissue that marked me and make me who i was then. They reminded me that i had learned the difference between abuse and Dominance. They reminded me that i would never again accept somebody just because they told me to.
In its own way, my other M/s relationship has now ended, too. Only time will tell if the underlying relationship will be rescued and rebuilt. Again, i'm left with scars, physical and mental. A visible mark that reminds me not to wear my heart on my sleeve. A word that i can not accept or own.
i'm beginning to develop an idea of who i think i am. Who i want to be.
As a submissive, i need strict loving discipline. i need praise and i need to be explicitly told if i'm pleasing, and if not, how i should be doing it. i need affection and the right to give it. i need boundaries that are enforced. i need the strength in a Dominant not to exploit my lack of limits and control. i need to have fun and be myself, within my role, and have Them be the same. i need a strong mind, and a strong gut. i need physical play, edge play, tabboo and extreme play for stimulation of the mind and control of the body. i need understanding. but most of all, i need complete and shocking honesty.
As a person, i need to be needed. i need to know that i'm making a difference, however small it is. i need to be the only one. i need to trust everything to somebody else and have them give the same to me. i need to fall back on something solid and know that it will be there to catch me. i need to be a priority, not just an option. i need to be loved with the same intensity that i love, and i need to be reminded of it.
With that in mind, with those qualities shining ahead of me like the Grail, i'll do just about anything to move forward and attain them. i won't accept anything less, and i won't allow myself to show anything less.
That, right now, is my purpose.
