i've been hurt in more ways than i thought was possible today. i never thought i could take as much as i have.
i've endured a beating that's lasted 13 hours all up. 80 lashes every 45 minutes. all day.
a routine of clamping and unclamping.
i've given myself an impromptu tattoo. at least something is permanent.
i've heard the last piece of the puzzle and put it together myself.
i've packed up everything. Put it away. i've felt my heart rip itself into pieces and wondered who i am, what i am, as i look at the small pile in the corner.
i've tried not to cry. tried to get out of bed, tried to make myself eat and sleep. tried to listen to the advice that's been offered to me.
i toss and turn. i sob until i can't move anymore or breathe from the fire burning inside my lungs. i'm sick, over and over and over again.
All of it seems useless, though. A phoenix rises up, out of the ashes, right?
When will this happen to me? The embers are still searing hot.
i'd rather burn to death than give myself another lashing, but it's half an hour until the next one and i know it's for my own good.
i think so much more clearly when i'm in pain.
i've been spinning all day. without the pain, i feel lost, hopeless. i don't have any control.
until it's ordered that i do it again. until the control is taken away and i have no choice.
of course i obey. even though it hurts. even though i know that there's no point to it.
because as much as i don't want to admit it, i need it. i deserve it. i embody it. these are my ashes, whether i rise out of them or not is irrelevant.
what's relevant is that i'm happy for them. can i truly be? can i understand that love overcomes everything? No. i can't. i can't understand why my love was ripped from me. Except for maybe wondering how i caused it. What i did, if i was too dependent, if i gave too much away. i couldnt live with myself if i denied somebody love. i just wish it was never instilled in me.
Nobody talks about this side of submission. Everybody wants you to give everything, to achieve that level of trust and loyalty and love and to have nothing of yourself.
To embody Them, in everything.
To serve Them, beyond humanity and into depravity.
What happens when you give everything away and it's taken from you? If They're not there to provide the scaffold of 'you'?
i'm what happens.
i ask myself who i am, what i am. the only answer that comes to my mind is 'His.'
i try to remember having limits. i try to remember when i kept those things as Mine. i try to go back to that place and be the strong person i thought i was.
it's no use. i wonder what he would think to see me now. what he would say.
i can't escape and i'm not strong.
i have nothing left and i couldn't even answer you what type of music it is that i like anymore. is that what he would want me to like? is that what he likes, or is it me?
i'm trapped inside a body that is somebody else's property and i can't get out.
i have nowhere to go. i feel so small and so lost.
but it's almost time again.
