My siblings KNOW of my poor relationship with mom, and are capitalizing on it to ensure they get her condo sale money (gag - it is just so ugly). They are carrying out 'Mom's' bitterness and while I might be strong, I have no energy to fight them...a screaming maniac crack head (wow, that blow by my drugged out brother hurt!), a chronic alcoholic (the follower - half brother), and an intelligent greedy ringleader (half sister)...
Today, the day of the funeral I couldn't attend (I'm afraid of abuse still) I took the high road and sent 50 carnations (for each year of life she gave me) with a pleasant note, and a message to the funeral attendees apologizing for my absence and well wishes to our immediate family (the siblings). I prayed from 11:00 am to 11:30 am during the service from the comfort of my own home.
I'd just as soon dust off the toxic dirt now...I have never felt freer in my LIFE. Mom holds no more evil power over me. It's over!!!
So many people tell me I am strong but sometimes I feel so weak. One good friend said, and I won't forget it, that God only gives the toughest adversities to those who can handle it. I'm alive. I CAN HANDLE WHAT GOD GIVES ME. Now I need to learn to cope with it all with more Grace. That will be my practise for the next while. I need work (LOL)
Can I say this before I start the 'Grace' part? DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! I just can't help but feel this freedom and think things are going to start looking up for me - BIG TIME. I'm joining groups, including a 'BOUNDARIES' course at Trinity Baptist Church on Tuesdays, I'm going to become a volunteer at the Kelowna Cancer Centre, and I'll think of something else that will help me meet non-toxic people...I AM SO EXCITED.
Can I say this before I start the 'Grace' part? DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD! I just can't help but feel this freedom and think things are going to start looking up for me - BIG TIME. I'm joining groups, including a 'BOUNDARIES' course at Trinity Baptist Church on Tuesdays, I'm going to become a volunteer at the Kelowna Cancer Centre, and I'll think of something else that will help me meet non-toxic people...I AM SO EXCITED.
She died horribly. None of the three were anywhere around to watch over her condition ..my brother (the younger drunk one) called me one half hour before he found her dead...his words to me (he phoned me knowing I just got out of the hospital the day before after a 20 day stay with COPD related infections) before he was going home (he sort of lived with her off and on) - he said how much he dreaded going to face her nasty orders. SADLY THIS WAS JUST MINUTES BEFORE HE FOUND HER IN THE BATHROOM IN A VERY UGLY SCENE OF BLOOD AND VOMIT.
Since the ringleader sister arrived 4 hours later from abbotsford I have not heard from him again. I went to the condo to see the siblings the next morning and they were not there, they were all in a car coming from a bar on the way to the condo, and older crack head brother took my phone call as I sat outside her doors, screaming at me to get the hell away from mom's condo - MOMS WISHES, he screamed.
I would have cared for her if she let go of her resentments and let me help. I'm close to where she lives; I did it before (made meals, spent time playing cards, watching over her condition etc.) while dad was dying of the same thing in 2007 and while I later learned she was manipulating me to say she needed me more than dad did. AND HE WAS IN PALLIATIVE CARE and died within 5 months! I cleaned his apartment, ran errands for him (slippers, glasses repair, etc); spent quality time with him...and he was NEVER there as a father for me. It just didn't matter, he needed SOMEONE and none of the siblings even showed up (except Les, who was stoned and had to be asked to leave by the nurses).
Just venting still. I imagine it will take me a while. But I have learned the very very hard way that time does heal, and the waves of grief do pass. I would never want anyone to die the way my mom did...not even a beggar on the street. I will recover, that I know.
I am starting to realize THIS is my soul and THIS is who I am. A loving and caring person - who, yes, IS STRONG. Thanks to some of you who have said so as well...!!
Thanks so much for your friendship, and ear. I am learning to value my friendships so very, very much. Take nothing or no one for granted...that is my attitude now. I hope I remember. I hope I grow from all of this.
SU
