OK, so have you ever ... or have you ever seen somebody ... be all in a hurry, running here, there and everywhere, trying to catch up and FINALLY catching up, and trying to say what you have to say ... and you're all out of breath and can't hardly say it?  That's how I feel.  Damn, why did I ever think it was a remotely OK idea to say 'Ah, screw it.' to getting on the computer for nearly two days?

My Facebook was overrun, and I had 3 pages (for me that's a lot) of 'My Users' to read through.  Then you know obsessive compulsive me, I couldn't just skip around.  I had to completely go through all of my Facebook stuff and get it all up to date and get my requests cleared.  Then that allowed me to put my full attention here where of course I HAD to sift through and read every post on all of the three pages of 'My Users' I had stacked up.  That was only AFTER double checking the first page of 'My Conversations'.  Then once I got 'My Users', only then could I check and see who had popped in to my blog, and of course checking messages after that.  Now here I am finally able to write a blog.

I don't even know quite where to begin.  Let's see, so far as the family stuff, after that night, it wasn't discussed any further because I absolutely refused to.  The two times my dad tried to bring it up I simply told him, 'It's a dead issue and I am no longer discussing it.'  It shut him down both times and hasn't been brought up since.  I also feel loads better because the last two days I've had a fair chance to bitch it out to my mom, and also to a couple of friends.  That helped loads. 

My mom really helped me stumble on something.  A lot of my frustration over things stems from the fact that when my dad starts spinning his bullshit, I get mostly frustrated not because of WHAT he's saying, but because I can not respond with truthful, honest answers .... because he would absolutely explode and turn dangerous.  I was more angry that I couldn't remind him of how abusive he was, or of the day my mom left, or of other things like that.  Not that I didn't believe he was this way before, but just to clarify and state it plainly, he is lumped right in with the rest of my family in that they think they can do or say what they want without being held accountable.  My dad thinks he can bitch, moan and whine about the bad things that happen to him and completely neglect the fact that he probably had a huge chunk of fault in the matter.

Further, I think it is entirely sad that my dad can't figure out a way in his own mind, or in his heart, to let go of his hatred, shame and negativity to move forward.  Instead he can only concentrate on all of the bad things and why everybody else deserves the blame and the bad things that come their way.  He can not move forward and be and do better in his own life because of this.  That is horribly sad.  Just because it is sad though, does not mean I can't do it.  I can and will move out of this house.  As I commented in one of my posts about this matter, just because the ship is looking to wreck and sink doesn't mean I have to stay on board.

On a lighter note of this whole issue, I also have to mention that it's been entirely nice having such obvious support from my husband.  I admitted to Paper that I was sort of surprised at how comforted I felt by his words and actions.  I was surprised that I felt shocked to feel comforted, if that makes sense.  Within that though, it was nice to feel the comfort, to hear the words spoken and to know that he does care and he is trying and he does want to get us out of here too, that it's not all falling on deaf ears and blind eyes with him.  I never thought hearing the simple words 'I WILL get us out of here.' would mean so much.  Complete and utter difference between KNOWING somebody feels a certain way and HEARING them express it verbally.

On the whole, I don't know where things lie right now.  For me, I do.  For me, I am letting the issue rest and putting it behind me, I'm no longer outwardly upset about it.  I'm moving on.  Not forgiven, not forgotten, but laid to rest at least.  For my dad and his side of the family, I have no clue as to even begin guessing on what they're thinking, planning or going to do.  My mom is angry about the issue, but she too will move on.  She's respecting my wishes to just completely stay away from everybody on this side that she knew in this chunk of her life.  It sucks, but thus far, it's only come back to haunt me in the most negative of ways, and she realizes that that is not fair, and that it will be simpler to just maintain zero contact.

At least there's that ...