Ay, por favor! For real, baby brother? You still live in a time and place where a woman needs a husband in order to get by in the world? Just 'cause I asked you to call the mechanic and find out what was wrong with my car?
Suddenly, I need a husband now. I'm going to be a burden, especially when I'm older - seems I need a cock and balls to handle all the "manly" stuff so I don't have to bother the other men in my family.
There's a couple of problems with that theory. First off, I was married for a decade and a half to a man who was an irresponsible freeloader. Eager to keep that fact to myself out of shame and embarrassment that my husband thought so little of me he wouldn't lift a finger, I did things like buy my own power tools, take classes at Home Depot, lay my own tile floor, tar my own chimney, and build my own fence. For those of you who have never used a post digger, let me tell you, that is my idea of a wild time.
Second, I am no more of a burden and a pain in the ass to my baby brother than he is to me. Calling him for advice about my car is no more annoying than the five million times he calls me with his ridiculous medical complaints, like the time he was sure he had Lou Gehrig's disease when it was just a little twitch in his eye that had developed from fatigue and the need for reading glasses!
I needed an alternator. Thanks to the internet, I even know what that does now. I did NOT know how much it should cost. Prior to my brother's intervention, it was estimated between $500 and $600. Magically, after the dose of testosterone, it was $260 and finished in two hours.
I am sorry my brother thinks I am a pain in his ass. If I were a vindictive bitch, I'd keep a tally. He needs my help far more often than I dare to ask for his. His only redeeming quality happens to be his gorgeous children whom I love with all my heart.
According to baby bro, it's time to get serious about husband hunting before my looks go and I get too old for anyone to take an interest. How special.
First off, I am not worried about my looks going - I never put much stock in them in the first place. As I have said before, I am far more brains than beauty and I'm ok with that. Second, I can only hope the interest will dwindle as I get older. It's obnoxious at times, and I am shy as hell and never handle it well.
And - here's the big one - my was-band was more of a burden that I could ever be, trust me. My payback was finding him in my bed with another woman. I guess it's pretty apparent why I might not be in a great big hurry to do that again. I happen to really enjoy not being married, although there are other uses for a partner besides negotiating with the mechanic that really might be fun.
But I ain't getting married again, I can tell you that! Even if I have to pay $600 for an alternator.
