No other way to say it.  Getting too tired, after being so upset, to go full fledged into it.  The details aren't important anyway, it's more of the same old shit.  This is, of course, in relation to the recent events involving my idiot ass cousin.  For the record, I did not bring it up.  I was successful on my part in that.  My family, however, failed me yet again.

I mentioned that in the past my family has shown 'concern' for me, but they only ever talk about me behind my back, nobody will just come to me and say 'Hey, I'm worried about you for such and such reason.'  They just gab about it, let it die down, and then I find out about it after the fact.  That really burns me because a.) they're talking behind my back and b.) if they really cared, why don't they bring it to me instead of just talking about it.  It almost comes off like they're just saying the things so they can feel better about themselves all while not really doing anything, which might just help me! *shocked gasp*

Well tonight, my dad starts getting all quiet and talking weird on the phone.  Ordinarily I ignore him, but my ears perked to a few words.  Then he spoke really loudly a couple of them and I knew what was going on.  They were talking about the incident.  I casually, calmly mentioned to my dad 'Oh, I do know what you're talking about, and I'm not happy about it.'  First of all, he was trying to keep it a secret.  I could hear certain phrases he was saying in relation to not letting me know, to not having heard anything and to waiting to see if anything turned up.  Then I also heard him saying things like 'Good, she deserved it.' and 'Good, that bitch needs to hear that stuff.' and other things like that.

Fast forward, my dad and I got into an argument over it after I repeatedly told him that I did not want to bring it up or talk about it because WE were getting along, and HE had done nothing, and it only concerned my cousin.  To recap, if you hadn't read, my cousin spoke out of turn, in a nasty way to my mother yesterday in relation to how horrible it was how she just up and left me, how she took money from my dad (divorce settlement) and a few other things.  That was disrespectful to me because he has NO clue how I feel about the matter and had no right trying to speak on my behalf.  He should have left well enough alone.

Apparently that's wrong.  Apparently I'm not supposed to be mad at my cousin.  Apparently it wasn't at all disrespectful.  Apparently my mom is the dirtiest, meanest, most vindictive piece of shit that ever walked this planet.  Apparently it will also be my fault when my dad loses my grandma's house because my mom got money out of him in the divorce, and I still talk to my mom.  Apparently I'm supposed to swallow my own feelings about the whole matter because 'The divorce upset the rest of the family too you know.'  Apparently since some of my older cousins knew my mom longer, they probably know her better than me.  Yeah, can you believe that one?  Apparently my dad knows my mom better than I do.  The old version of her maybe, not NOW.

Apparently my dad did no wrong.  You see, most of my family doesn't know how abusive he was to her, or that he tried to kill her twice.  Some of them do and have chosen to turn a blind eye to it like it never happened  That's wrong in my book.  While I'm living with my dad though, I won't be the one telling them.  Oh speaking of living with my dad, apparently if my dad starts getting in financial trouble and may have to think about selling the house we're going to get kicked out because I still talk to my mom.  Also, if we both lose our jobs, we're probably going to get kicked out so I can get a taste of how shitty my mom is since my dad assumes she won't be able to help us at all.

Apparently it's wrong of me to want to stop speaking to the whole family.  Apparently it's wrong of me to still be speaking to my mother.  Apparently it's wrong of me to get upset about ANYTHING negative said about my mother.  Apparently I'm just as bad as her for even getting along with her.  Nevermind the fact that my mom and I spent two years hideously fighting, saying the most horrible of things and then she almost died.  So sue me that I'd rather get along with my mom than her be dead and the damage never to be undone.  Apparently it doesn't matter that she's the only mother I'll ever have and I'd rather have her in my life as opposed to out of it.

Oh hell, I'm not done yet, this is gonna get long ... gonna cut it off before it gets too long for anybody to sit and read because well, I'd kind of like some advice to at least see if I AM wrong here anywhere.  I can no longer afford mistakes.