Here is a letter I just had to SPEAK UP to in response to some goings on during the funeral planning of my mother...
Dear Charmaine (my half sister);
I am certain your motives for phoning to let me know of the funeral date, and forwarding this photo are out of kindness; however, I have no further interest in mothers things or reminders, especially photos and the ring.
As I already told you, I had my moments with mom the day she was brought to Pleasant Valley. The funeral director was kind enough to roll her out on the stretcher so I could sit on the front pew and have my own funeral a foot away from her unembalmed decaying body. It was very healing for me to talk to her with words you have no need to know.
Yourself, Les, and David (brothers), for reasons beyond my comprehension, have taken on her toxic attitude; and shunned me as horribly and emotionally as by mom, damaging my soul to the core. I can only thank God her part of it all is over now. I am freer than I have been in 50 years. I want NOTHING to remind me of her and the pain she has caused me over the years. Lest of all a photo, or a family ring I put on lay away for months to buy her...all of her children's stones...at 16 years of age while working in a diner,. only to be accused of stealing to obtain for her that Christmas many years ago. THROW THE RING AWAY!
Sadly, you, Les, and David have made the decision to continue the abuse I have endeared over the years. My mails or conversations with mom over time were but reactions to her innate hatred toward me. I never did learn how to cope with her sharp angled and twisted tongue. Sometimes I just copied it. That you all push me out now, is troublesome and confusing since all of you have had lessor but similar emotional abuse problems and drama with her and have said so with great nastiness. I would think this would be the time for us to heal. I have no further need to figure this family out. She is dead...
Now my new strength pulls me up and I am not about to allow anyone to hurt me by continuing the torment of bad-mouthing, cruel screams, shunning, ignoring, nor lying put downs to others as mother did to me throughout the years.
My goal is to grow with good feelings toward myself. I hope you all do the same for yourselves.
The actions of the three of you after mother's sad and pathetic death shows me you have taken on her bitterness and anger. For what reason, I ask you all to ask yourself why?...in complete honesty. You have got to know that It cannot help you in your bid for ageing happiness. I can guess it is Les's crack addiction, and Davids chronic alcoholism, but you? What is your reason for carrying on hatred within the family?
My pain is not that she has passed on, we had no relationship: my pain is that she passed on alone, in the bathroom...which has got to be the saddest thing I could ever imagine on a person. No one, and I mean no one, should die like that - ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE WERE STILL THE THREE OF YOU! And I know you know I would have been there for her had she allowed me. I cannot turn my back on anyone in such sad need. Not even a vagrant. Not even my Dad.
That she was my mother in this deathly shape brings tears to my eyes.
I invite you to visit me (alone) before you go (bring the tequila and salt if you wish). if you want to bring a more positive closure to our fractured sisterhood perhaps we can say goodbye with a few laughs and the few good memories we did have. It just might be very healing for both of us. Or, maybe you just want to get some things off your chest about me in person. My ears are open. My speaking up cannot be tempered, however, should you get abusive.
If not, there are no hard feelings on my part. I wish you and the family all of the best God can provide. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
